My dog

Okay there are times I love my dog...not many mind you but a few (lol). Christmas Eve was not one of those times. I drove home Christmas Eve to see my mom and dad and go to church with them so of course the dog was with me. Before I left Indy I stopped and bought mom some pumpkin eggnog and also some gingerbread eggnog (I hadnt tried the gingerbread one so I was looking forward to trying it) and headed on to South Bend. Got up to mom and dads and it was like their street erupted in chaos. The cops had someone pulled over I am still not sure why, the neighbors were trying to get their van to run so they had brought another van over to jumpstart it but apparently the person with the other van had polish in them because they didnt park the van straight and it stuck out in the road and made it hard for people to drive down the street dodging the van. Then as I am about to get out I see this dog who apparently got loose from his owner running around with the owner yelling "Butch...come here" and of course the dog wasnt going anywhere near the owner. He was free! But this also meant that I couldnt get Harley out of the van and into mom and dads sunporch and so I got out and started to unload the luggage. As I was unloading and keeping Harley in the van, Dustin called telling me he was ready to be picked up so I quickly got the luggage out of the van and Harley ushered into the house before the other dog saw her and got her on the sunporch. Keep in mind I hadnt unloaded the eggnog or the front of the van yet. Anyways got on the road to Elkhart when I decided I was hungry and remembered there were 2 candy bars in the Eggnog bag. It was when I went to reach back for the candy bars that I felt it----sticky and gooey and oh crap wet! The gingerbread eggnog had exploded all over the floor of the van!

I was so ticked! I wanted to try that one since I had already had the pumpkin one and liked it but here it laid in a puddle on my floor in the van!!!! From what I can figure out, Harley went to chase after that loose dog while still in the van and landed on it just right and it exploded. Now heres the big question...how do you get eggnog off the van floor. I have tried scrubbing and it hasnt worked...other than 76.00 at Ziebart any other ideas? Uggh that was the beginning to my beautiful Christmas (I so want to get that dog the biggest lump of coal I can find...lol)

Okay people cant drive here....

Okay seriously what the hell is up with people who get some ice on the road and go crazy? We had an inch of ice here tonight and people were into median walls and everything because they dont have a clue how the hell to drive slowly. I watched one woman attempt to stop at a stoplight like it was normal conditions and then she wondered why the hell she plowed into the car in front of her..I mean duh...I had a guy almost slam into the rear of me and I was like no way that would not have been cool. Maybe its because I grew up in Northern Indiana in the land of ice and snow that I can handle the ice and snow. I mean come on my boss wanted me to leave at 3pm what the hell for..I am a big girl I can drive in the ice and snow.

Okay after experiencing a bad driver commute tonight I am just in the mood to vent...what the hell is it with the women who married my ex's thinking they can be beotches and one in particular to my son. You need to treat him with the same love you treat your own kids. Yeah my son had an awesome part in the program tonight and sorry that yours didnt but it keeps happening I hear it all the time from my son about how you treat him worse than the other kids, It needs to stop or my son will be back down here regardless of the childcare situation. I am just getting sick of hearing my son being depressed because his stepmom who right now is with him doesnt love him like she loves her brats. Get over it already!

Okay I cant believe there is only 9 days left till Christmas! I havent gotten anything done like I have wanted to do uggh. And the dumb dog she unwrapped all the gifts I had wrapped uggh. There are times I just want to smack her and send her somewhere..Okay I actually had a pretty good day but for some reason tonight I am in this venting mood I mean what the hell? It just takes one thing these days to set me off...

Busy, Busy

I have been so busy with work and everything that I havent had time to share about last weekend which was awesome and catch you all up on everything going on in our lives.

Last Friday night I packed up Matty and the dog and luggage and headed up to mom and dads. I got to Argos and mom called and told me they were having pizza at the Wooden Peel (My favorite pizza place) in Bremen. So I drove on over and met them there. It was so cool taking the back roads I havent been on those in over a year I miss back roads unfortunately there are no back roads in Indy, and the Wooden Peel has the most awesome pizza. I love mom and pop Pizza places and I havent found one in Indy yet. I mean yeah we have Pizza Hut and Papa John's and all that but I havent found a mom and pop shop in Indy that I love as much as Wooden Peel in Bremen or Rossini's in Mishawaka.

Got to mom and dads and unloaded the car and went to bed. Woke up to a sound I have not heard in quite awhile....the sound of a snowplow. Now when I got to mom and dads there was no snow on the ground but when I got up at 8am there was 5 inches on the ground. I hate snow have I ever mentioned that? On top of that I had no idea where my snowbrush was and Dustin had dress rehearsal in an hour and a half...uggh....of course the boys..my boys loved the snow and it was all they could do to get through breakfast and head out for a few minutes into the fluffy white stuff and into the cold. I dont know why I have never liked snow even as a kid the only thing I liked snow for was tubing on the big hill at George Wilson Park just down the road from mom and dads.

I got Dustin to his dress rehearsal and of course they were late starting which means they were late finishing and of course lunch was passed by so of course the kids were hungry and tired and my sister -- Miss I am 30 and dont have a license and expect everyone to drive me around had this wonderful idea that we pick up dad and head to the mall for lunch at the Food Court and to see Santa (uggh I have I mentioned that I hate the mall at Christmas time?) so we picked up dad and off we went.

We got to the mall and finally picked out what we all wanted for lunch and had a nice lunch and then got into the mall and were on our way to see Santa which my 10 year old was not thrilled about because he is feeling this year he is too old to see Santa and apparently he is getting tired of my mom and sisters treating him like a baby all the time but my sis so wanted a pic of her boys with Santa so I had to bribe him into going up and standing by Santa while his brother sat on Santa's lap. Now heres the thing I am 31 years old and I still believe in Santa. Not the person Santa but I believe that everyone has "Santa" in their heart.

Its hard to believe that a year ago Mike had left and I was losing my place and the light looked so far away at the end of the tunnel. In fact the last few Christmases have been pretty awful but last year someone and I still dont know who dropped off toys and food for me and the kids on my porch. I am so grateful for that "Santa" who helped me and the boys out, and it just reaffirmed my faith that there is some "Santa" in all of us. So yeah I am 31 years old and still believe in Santa and I am praying that I can instill Santa in my son--maybe not the guy in the red suit but the Santa that is in my heart. I know the last couple of years have been super hard on me and the kids but it is my prayer that the kids and well me too keep looking for the good in everything we have been through.

Sunday was so awesome! Dustin did awesome in the play! It was as if the part was made especially for him! I was so proud to watch him, he truly has a gift in the arts I just hope his dad notices it like I do. After church and the play we went off to the 2nd highlight of the weekend home--- going to the ND Womens Basketball Game as they played Purdue. There is one more thing I love and that is Notre Dame Sports and living in Indy, yeah I have the Colts but I also love the Irish and I am so blessed that I can come home and enjoy the Irish with my boys and with my dad!

Since the divorce my family (my mom and dad and sisters and the boys and soon enough Miss Alison ) have become so important and close to me. Maybe this is one of the blessings of the divorce is that my family has become so much closer than when I was married to Mike. I enjoy coming home and seeing my family and spending time with them. Mom and I still have our disagreements but we at least talk twice a week and the boys have gotten so close to dad and mom and their Aunt Kris and Aunt Kelly---I even find myself coming home more often so I can do things with them. I am even goinghome for Christmas and I hadnt planned on going home but the idea of spending Christmas alone just didnt work for me.

Christmas...getting more in the spirit...

Okay I am getting more into the Christmas spirit. Matty had the awesome idea we needed to put our tree up and so tonight I got out the tree and the decorations and that was all it took he put all the decorations on the tree I think he did a wonderful job dont you think? I cant remember where I got the snowman I think a craft bazaar but it has the Colts and its awesome. The more Matty wants to decorate the more the Christmas spirit goes in my heart. We are going home to mom and dads this weekend, the kids are getting so excited. It is finally Dustin's play I cannot wait to see him as the lead. He has been working so hard and now this Sunday we will get to see the fruits of his labor!!!! Sunday afternoon dad and me and my sisters and the boys are all going to go out to ND and see the Women's Basketball Game, I cant wait. My family --all of my family has become such an important part of my life and I cant believe they werent as big as a part of my life when I was married. I missed out on such precious time. When people ask what makes me tick wow I have to think about this for a minute--My faith in the Lord, my kids, my mom and dad and sisters, all my family, and then my friends, my job, the soldiers I work with and now they have become my family. I also love the church I attend and the divorce care class. I have so much to be thankful for especially at this time of year.

Christmas Spirit

I dont know about all of you but I just cannot get into the Christmas spirit this year or any year something always happens to come along and rob me of it. Last year it was me losing my house and this year it was the transmission in the van. What the heck? Every year something happens around October or November that zaps the money I had put aside for Christmas and just ruins my Christmas spirit. It so frustrates me, I would just for one year like to enjoy the holiday, get my kids what they want for Christmas, and not have to worry about whether the bills will get paid if I splurge. I would like to be able to walk into a Toys R us and get them exactly what they want...I wonder if thats ever going to happen.

Okay thanksgiving's over..now what?

Okay Thanksgiving is over. I spent the day driving. Drove to mom and dads like 8am and had lunch with them (quick lunch) and then left Matty with them for the weekend and then drove home so I could work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Had alot of time to think while I was driving, got alot of things figured out in my head anyway. As I was driving past the homes full of people eating dinner and fellowshipping for the holiday together my heart began to hurt. I had that and I loved that.

How I love where I live

I love Indy where I live. Mom and dad called me last night and told me about their 8 inches of lake effect snow. Hahaha was all I can say, yeah its cold here but there is no snow! Tonight me and Matty went to the YMCA Bonfire. How fun they had smores and popcorn and apples with carmels drizzled all over them and some awesome chili. I love fall love the smells, the sites and there is nothing more peaceful to me than a cold clear night with the sky full of stars!

I have been in the word alot lately about contentment and how Christ desires us to be content in whatever situation we are in....I know thats something I struggle with. I ask myself alot why am I in the mess I am in and how can I be content when lonelieness and frustration rear its ugly head?

Thanksgiving is a week away and this week I have been doing some thinking about what I am thankful for as well as realizing that this will be the 1st thanksgiving ever that I have not spent it with my mom and dad. I will be here since I am going up to mom and dads the following weekend so I can see Dustin in his Christmas play and we can celebrate Christmas since I cannot drive that far home for Christmas because of the baby. If anyone is headed to South Bend and would like to give me a ride and the dog I would love to go home for Christmas (just asking, half kidding). This will also be my 1st Christmas since the divorce which is kind of hard but oh well. I am trying to just move on from Christmas ....as for thanksgiving I am hoping to go out with some friends I have met down here like go to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then to a movie. Its going to be weird not being home but next year I am going to be home with bells on. Its amazing how much life changes in one year. Alison will be here in 10 weeks and then I will be mom again I cant wait. Well gonna head to bed I am exhausted. God Bless you all.

Forgot to share Halloween Pics

Okay I had an awesome Halloween, I cannot believe I havent shared any pics. There are some pics on my myspace but I so need to share these on here...

My day out!

It has been brought to my attention that basically I cannot write whatever I want to write feel on this, well to that and to the people that told me that I say to hell with you. This is my space, my feelings...you dont like it then dont freaking read it. I dont read your crap nor do I give a care. I have my own life and if you think to make your life "complete" etc then back off because I am my own person. And if you think you can destroy me by telling me about my friends and how they talk about me behind my back then you know what you dont know me. I am a strong, independent woman who loves her friends and her family and would do anything for them, and if your happiness is destroying families, etc then I truly feel sorry for you! I have a job I love with all my heart with people who love and respect me and I have 2 awesome boys who think their mommy is awesome and tell me that on a daily basis. I am going back to school so I can make something more of myself sorry I am not going to be a beotch and work at Pizza Hut or Walmart or something along those lines I am way better than that and you may think you won, what you won I am not sure what , well I am gonna tell you Karma is an awesome thing and you piss Karma off and its going to come back to bite you in the rear, See I learned way back when that if I am gonna make something of myself in this world you have to have a few things. First you have to have God first in your life, second you cannot rely on a man to take care of you, you have to rely on you and God to make it. I love these women that think that by treating a man like a puppy on a leash and being the biggest beotches they can be they have "won" something well let me tell you the only thing you have "won" is the reputation of being a beotch. Because if you have had to have gone through all I have ad done it on my own it would be hilarious to see you crumble. Okay well I have vented and now I feel much better ... now onto my day...

I got up this morning and for the last few weeks I dont know if being pregnant or what but i have been in this funk. Anyways I got up and cleaned up around the house and started the dishwasher and washer and decided to go and get my hair done at this place in Avon called Cass and Company I called them and they had a cancellation so I went over and the woman....well it was a God thing. I got my hair done and as we talked we got to know each other and I found out her mom was going through breast cancer and radiation and next thing I knew we were sitting there talking while my hair was processing and she asked me about my cancer and then asked me if she could do my makeup. I was like thank you God I needed this today and so she did my makeup and she did my hair and when it came time for me to leave and pay she had given me a 70.00 discount! I was in shock! Thank you God I so needed this day and to be able to connect with her was just so awesome! I recommend this salon to everyone I felt so at home with all the people. I have been looking for a salon for awhile and I have been to several and just didnt like the results so I was so glad to find this one or else I would have to go back to South Bend to Ja'Ross which is my fave salon back home. Anyways I got done at the salon and decided I need to get out of my box more and the one thing I have had trouble doing is eating at a sit down restaurant just me, you know the whole table for one thing and so I decided to step out of my box and go to eat. I chose Red Lobster and it was so cool I didnt feel like there were a million eyes staring at me. I actually enjoyed my lunch. You know maybe people are right I am better off being on my own I dont need a man to go to lunch I just need to be comfortable with myself. Here are some pics of the new hairstyle and makeup...what do you think about it?

Christ showed me today He is my all in all, all I need....

shared last week in here about my van. Well it was the transmission and it was going to cost me 1500.00....I have to have a vehicle, I have to work to pay the bills. After this happened Friday night I have been totally lost how am I going to pay for the repairs should I even fix the van? I was totally lost...anyways yesterday at church I went up for prayer during the altar call ....I was like Lord I dont know what to do this is all on you show me where I need to go with this. I went back to my seat feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders but still didnt know what to do or where to go with this but trying very hard to trust God. This morning I went in to work in the rental car....I called the mechanic to get his official "diagnosis" and yep it was the transmission and it was going to be 1500.00 and no I could not make payments but if I could come up with 1200.00 he would let me make payments on the remaining 300.00...I was devastated. Lord where do I go with this, there still isnt a way. I just kept remembering scripture I had been memorizing, He will supply all my needs kept running through my head. About 45 minutes later I got an email from one of the ladies in my Sunday School Class telling me that there is a fund used to help families with issues and I needed to apply for it and she attached an application. I can depending on the severity of the situation receive up to 1000.00.....I applied and faxed the forms back to the church administrator and I prayed Lord I pray this is an outlet an answer in the meantime I also called 2 banks just to see if I could be financed for a car ...20 minutes later the administrator emailed me and told me that I could receive the 1000.00 for my van if I can come up with the 500.00 I told him that I could and he told me he would be in contact with the garage. Almost instantly the garage called me and wanted to let me know they had started the work on my van and it will be done Thursday night which means I can go home Friday to go to my parents Harvest/Halloween Party and the kids can see their cousins, I have had this planned for over a month now and it was looking last week like I wasnt going to get to go home and right now with all I have been through these past weeks I am ready to spend some time fellowshipping with family. My parents had given me the gas/food money to go home a couple months ago when we talked about doing it. The rental car I have been driving I went to go return it and extend till Thursday and when I asked the guy at Enterprise hes like your security deposit will cover the car till Thursday (another praise, thank you God!) and thank you they had a smaller car that had been returned I had been driving a 2008 Dodge Charger and it wasnt for me so I went for a smaller KIA that I could handle better although someday I wouldnt mind having one of those maybe after the kids..lol...anyways I am just so pumped about how well this all came through. God is my all in all....I never really knew what that meant till today. I am going to be okay, God is teaching me so much about the person He wants me to be. I just had to share this all with you...

Just when you think everything is going good....Boom!!!

Yep Boom!!! Friday night on my way home from work my tranny went out in my van. The old me would have freaked because Matty was in Indy at daycare and I was stuck in Franklin but I must be growing up because I didnt freak, I stopped and I was like "Ok God you know what I need..." I found the phone number of my friend Val who lives in my complex and it was my lucky day because I was able to call and have Val pick up Matty and then I got to the service center and I called the rental car place and they had one car left a 2008 Dodge Charger and the silver lining with that was that they charged me the "basic" rate instead of the "premium" rate which was what that car was. So I was able to get home. They called me on Saturday and told me 1500.00---God you know my needs, you know rent needs to be paid this week and everything but He has gotten me this far there is no way He's going to let me sink now, and He didnt let me sink Friday night. He was right there orchestrating each step.

Since Friday I have basically just hung out at home. Today my stupid alarm clock has a time change automatically (uggh) and so this morning it decided to change so I woke up an hour later than I was supposed to. Thank goodness it was on a weekend and not during the week so I rushed to church and then got home and decided to cook a big dinner so I made BBQ Meatloaf (Paula Deen was where I got the recipe), and Rice a Roni topped with cheese and homemade crescent rolls and frozen peas. I love to cook and the meatloaf was awesome!!!!

Matty also had to show me tonight he has his 1st loose tooth!!! Its so cute, I cant remember Dustin's 1st loose tooth since it was like 6 years ago. I cant remember alot of Dustin's 1sts that I am having to relive with Matty. He is so excited but I think he is scared when it is going to fall out. When he eats he has to go in the bathroom and look and make sure it is still there. I just think thats so cute!!!

Its been awhile....

Okay I cannot believe its been this long since I blogged. Whats been up with me since the 9th of October, well lots of things. Work is keeping me busy and Matty is managing to be all boy and tear his pants and play outside and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. (except for today it is raining steadily outside....uggh) The leaves are changing I am getting bigger...lol Miss Thang as the boys call my Miss Ali is moving all over the place, Matty loves to watch her kick.

Divorce Care is going great. I am halfway done with the class and the Lord really has been healing things, doesnt help Mr Idiot and his spouse have been complete arses but thank you Lord for progressing me past the drama. I am enjoying the class and I am enjoying the Lord working in my life. He has blessed me more abundantly in so many ways, not just financially but with me and my kids and the fact that we have grown so much closer since the divorce. My kids know that they can talk to me about anything and that I will always be there for them. Thank you Lord for helping me as I go through this time of transition thank you for softening my heart and healing the hurt.

I am learning as I go through this time alot about Karma....It can really come back to bite you in the rear, I have never really understood the what goes around comes around until now or the you will reap what you sow, but God has really been hitting that home to me so to speak now more than ever.

3 weeks ago I went and saw "Fireproof". First of all I love Kirk Cameron especially for his role in Left Behind 1, 2, and 3. But I love his faith, its so rock steady. Anyways I highly recommend every Christian see this movie. I went into the theatre, this was my 1st time going to a movie alone. I was so scared that I wasnt going to be able to watch the movie since it was about a marriage on the rocks. I have been dealing with my own issues as to why my marriage failed and what he sees in her and not me. Anyways what really opened my eyes was when God, through the man's father showed him the error of his ways and if he wanted to save his marriage he had to change, not just his wife. What I also thought was cool was that the man's father and mother's marriage had almost crumbled 2 years earlier and it was like the issues from that incident planted the seeds into their son so they could be an example to him and his wife of the Power of God and how he worked in their marriage. It was amazing to me how one person views that movie and sees something totally different and gets something totally different out of that movie than another person. Thats the Holy Spirit working! I still havent gotten to the point where I am going to sit in a restaurant alone but someday maybe at least now I know I can go and enjoy a movie alone if the opportunity presents itself for me to get to go.

I am

I got this from a friend and figured I would try this....
I am: a child of God, mom, sister, friend, best friend, cousin, niece, granddaughter, daughter

I think: that if we dont do something to stop it our economy is going to be in serious trouble.

I know: that even if there isnt anyone out there to love me that the Lord loves me no matter what

I want: to find Mr. Right and spend the rest of my life getting to know him and be the best mom I can be to my kids

I have: 2 awesome boys and soon a little girl

I wish: that pregnancy was shorter (like 25 weeks) that way I could be almost done and back to my regular life

I hate: People who treat me as a 2nd class citizen because I am divorced and now pregnant with another man's child. Get over it already I know I have and I know the Lord has forgiven me.

I miss: Going out and spending time with someone. When Matty is with his dad the house is so quiet and I am so lonely. I would just like to have someone to dress up and go out to dinner and a movie with or someone to go on a walk with or cuddle up and watch a movie with.

I fear: that I am not going to meet anyone and not have the financial support I need to get ahead in life

I feel: overused. Like I am supposed to just allow a man to get to know me and use me and leave me, its happened more times than I can count.

I hear: My co-workers gossiping

I smell: Carrie's cinnabon candle burning, it smells so good!

I crave: food this morning. I am hungry...a hug too would be nice..I dont get enough of those!

I search:

I wonder: If I can ever have a normal life again.

I regret: that I wasnt there more for my kids when they were younger.

I love:my kids, my friends and family and above all I love the Lord for saving a wretch like me

I ache: all over this morning for some reason, not sure why

I care:

I always: Attempt to pay my bills on time!

I am not: someone that can be used and discarded I am a human being with feelings!

I believe: that if yout tithe the Lord will truly provide all of your needs

I dance: Nope! I am not that good

I sing: I love Praise and Worship whenever I am working in the house!

I don't always:

I fight: for my rights!

I write: all the time. I love to blog and journal my feelings.

I win: as Supermom to my kids!

I lose:

I never: thought my life would turn out this way

I confuse:

I listen: to my friends and family when they give me advice

I can usually be found: in my bedroom on my bed on my computer...its quiet and cozy there

I am scared:

I need: to be taken care of once in awhile

I am happy about:

Okay I know I left some blank but my mind isnt working this morning you fill them in if you want to.

Mud!!!! Uggh

Last night Matty asked if he could go outside and play. I was like yeah we have 1 hr before Club Rock and my Divorce Care Class yeah arent you hungry---no, alright then you may go out and play. Matty scampered out the door and went over to the courtyard, mom didnt remember it had rained the day before. Anyways I got everything ready to leave and when it was 20 till 7 I called Matt in so we could leave. I didnt even look at him (my mistake) and I was like lets go Matty and hes like mom did you even look at me? I admit I was in go-mode and didnt even look. I looked down at Matty and nearly had a heart attack!!! OMG!!!! Matty was covered in mud!! Apparently one of his "buddies" had wrestled him and got him down into the mud hole in the courtyard! I admit, I freaked! I rushed him upstairs and stripped off his mud covered shorts and long sleeve shirt and threw him into the shower. Handed him soap and a washcloth and told him to get scrubbing. I had never seen so much mud all over his legs, arms, face, and even in his hair! Got him scrubbed and clean and redressed in jeans and a t-shirt and we made it to Club Rock and my class in the nick of time.

Uggh there are days like this incident where uggh I hate being mom and dad to Matty. I love my son dont get me wrong and when I am having a bad day he can make me laugh but uggh in the mud when we are late to go somewhere...I know God I just have to grin and bear with it..and enjoy the mud!

Its a Girl!

Had my ultrasound yesterday. She is perfect 10 fingers and 10 toes I am gonna have to post pictures. She was so fiesty with arms and legs moving all over the place like she was ready to blow this popstand (me) and explore the world! Matty is a little upset I am not having a boy, but oh well I have a feeling this little girl as fiesty as she is now is gonna give her dopey brothers a run for their money!!! Mom and my sisters have been helping me think of names and right now we are kinda stuck on Alison Rene. Alison after my dad, she is due on his birthday and then we can call her Ali. Dad's favorite actress is Ali MCGraw so thats a plus as well. An calling her Ali means she can be named after my dad whom we call Al. I also liked the name Alexis but we already have an Alexis in the family.

Strawberry Cheesecake

I went shopping today. Its amazing when you are single how important your food is to you. When I was married we were always scrimping and saving and went to like Aldi's and if we went to Meijer or Kroger we counted every cent we spent. Now that I am single I love food. I love my kids having snacks and stuff. Anyways after work I went to Meijer tonight just for milk and some other things and ended up spending 84.00...the old me wouldnt have done that but the new me well..oh well I dont have a life and i love to eat so it wasnt that big of a deal. Anyways one of the things I have been wanting to have was strawberry cheesecake. When I was married Mike and I ate strawberry cheesecake when we were just the 2 of us together and when I met Mike I bought him a cheesecake for his 1st birthday we celebrated together --a strawberry one. So it kind of became a tradition for us. Anyways since the divorce I havent had one so today when I went in to Meijer I decided -- the heck with it I want strawberry cheesecake. So I bought a frozen one and brought it home and thawed it out and had it for dessert tonight. Ah the memories it brought back but then I realized there wasnt anyone to share this with, that has been so hard for me to deal with but oh it was so tasty! I missed it so much just like I miss the old days so to speak but as I ate it was like a farewell to my old life and a hello to my new one. I have to admit I miss being married, miss the cuddling and I pray that someday I can have that again, but this time different, this time have a marriage that has more of a foundation, more sustenance so to speak. As I sit here with another piece of cheesecake (remember I am not counting calories lol) Heres goodbye to the old life and hello to the new life, the new opportunities, new horizons. It is amazing how one thing can mean different things depending on the circumstances.

Okay well I had complications with my blood sugar and blood pressure from when I was pregnant with Matty apparently I am gonna have them with this pregnancy too. Saturday night I did not feel well and ended up going to bed about 830, right after Matty fell asleep. Sunday morning I felt worse but then I was like I need to go to church, so I woke up Matty and off to church we went . I got Matty into his Sunday School and got myself into sunday school, went in and got myself some OJ and settled down ready for class and boom! I passed out! When I came to I had a dr and 2 nurses working on me. I thank God that they were in class and I really thank God that the man sitting next to me knew to get them, they gave me more juice and took my bp. I dont know what the heck happened but thanks to them they got me feeling better and I am just glad they were there. So now I guess I am in trouble again. I can drive to work and home and then I have to rest when I get home. I went home after the incident yesterday morning I didnt chance going to service and I am so blessed that I have a very loving, understanding child who spent the afternoon playing and cleaning his room and he gave mommy a surprise-- he cleaned his room spotless and made his bed. Other than the incident it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Notre Dame won which I am glad and the Colts game--wow that was an awesome 4th quarter to go from 17 points down to win the game its just outstanding! The leaves are starting to change here and its getting cooler-- Other than that not much happening on this side of the world!

Moving Day!

I have heard about it since December of last year about our new office and this week it finally happened--we moved to our new offices. Nothing impressive let me tell you we basically had to cram 1000 sf of stuff into 200 sf--not an easy task but thanks to some awesome organization we did it, and in one day too working the whole day packing and moving over here. The only positive thing in this move is that I have my own computer now and my own cubicle so to speak.

I cannot believe that its Thursday already. This week has gone by so fast. Went to Divorce Care last night. Learned alot about anger and everything but it is so hard going into a place where everyone is in a different place in their lives and in their divorce. Mine is over and thats about all I can say about it. He is married to the white trash ho. Love that song cheater cheater and cannot wait for the CD to come out with that song on it in Jan 2009. Cannot believe also that next week is my ultrasound. I dont know if I want a boy or a girl all I want is for the baby to be healthy with all my medical issues.

I also cannot believe that I paid October's bills already (well most of them) My 15th paycheck will be able to be banked for the most part. I also cannot believe that its October already. Time is sure flying only less than 3 months left of this horrible year all I can say is that 2009 has got to be better I said that about 2007 and 2008 was worse so I dont know. God is certainly supplying all my needs and to think I judged Him wow He showed me! I have got to get into the word more but with chasing a 6 yr old and keeping up the house and working 40 + hours per week there isnt alot of time.

The leaves are changing, fall is here, grab a cup of hot apple cider and settle in for the fall!

Awesome Weekend

I had an awesome weekend up in South Bend and my Irish won so yay! The fish fry Saturday night was awesome as was the birthday party we held for Matty after the fish fry! My aunt and uncle came from Michigan and we went over to my grandmothers and the kids got to spend time playing with their uncle and papa. On Sunday went to mom's church, had a nice service I will always consider Osceola UMC my home church no matter where I live or how far away I am.

Sunday afternoon left mom and dad and stopped at Gena's on the way home. I love the time I get to spend with my friends but it was too short. Time flew and it was 8pm and I was on my way to Indy again.

Not Much Going on here...

This week I think is just going to drag on, only because I am excited to go home this weekend and be with my family and celebrate Matty's birthday and Notre Dame vs Purdue and then of course the fish fry. I cant miss the fish fry and dad and Bus cooking all that fish. Plus I get Dustin for the weekend! Its become pretty sad that I am looking forward to going home on a weekend -- I really dont have a life, I so need a life oh well.

OMG!!! Use a freaking phone already!

and dont say you left me a voicemail when I know you sure the hell did not! OMG! I just want to scream...I have a life too! Now I have a six year old child bawling his eyes out because he wanted to go spend the weekend with his dad...his birthday weekend of all things ...and here is the thing the arse called and wished him a Happy Birthday on his birthday and then pulls this crap...WTH? I had plans this weekend to go shopping without a kid which is something I dont get to do very often and get the van swept out and washed and detailed even though that wont last long with a 6 yr old that thinks the floor of the van is a trash can and catch all and then I was planning on going to the movies by myself for the first time and seeing the movie "The Women" or the new Kate Hudson movie that just came out --basically, bottomline I had plans for this weekend and now because you are a selfish s.o.b. I have my son this weekend...WTH? Dont get me wrong I love my kids with all my heart but what I dont love is my 6 yr old rolled up in his blanket by the patio doors downstairs crying himself to sleep. Dont guys get what they do to these kids when they pull the no call no show act, and yeah I am going to be selfish for a minute but I had plans too. OMG I just have to vent and get this out because I am getting sick of it. My opinion of men in general is going to the dogs so to speak really fast because well lets see I am 20 weeks pregnant and well the baby's father hasnt even called to see how things are and then the arse I was married to divorces me and marries his beotch on the same day and then thinks he is Father of the Year --- well arse of the year is more like it! Men are arses and the day I meet a man who will love me and treat me like a queen (yeah right that isnt going to happen) I think I will die a happy woman! Father God I dont get it, all I wanted in my life was a man whom I could spend my life with and kids and a house and a car that doesnt break down every 5 seconds is that too much to ask for? I guess it is so for the minute I am going to enjoy my life as a single person and enjoy my kids and let life happen as it does. I still cant believe my ex husband would hurt his son (his pride and joy so to speak) but it just proves how selfish he is and how full of himself he is and pretty much what every man that has been in my life is....okay vent over now I am going to head to get the van done which will take longer because Matt has to "help" uggh well I pray you all have a wonderful Saturday

Happy Birthday Matt!

Okay my baby is 6 years old today so I guess I need to quit calling him Matty. He will always be my Matty though. Last night we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, I love the way they let them up on the saddle and sing Happy Birthday to him. Then we went to Goodwill, I love that store but they had no jeans for Matt (crud) but I found a couple pairs of Maternity pants and a couple of shirts. Matt found some Hulk Hands these cute huge Hulk hands there and so I got those for him. Then we went to Walmart and I found him some jeans and a couple of shirts. I cannot believe that size 5 jeans were too small, so I found him some size 6 ones that fit. I know this probably isnt the most elablorate of birthday celebrations but it was very special, I was with spending the evening with my baby. Yeah I didnt spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for him like I know someone probably will but I did get him some jeans which he needed since all his other ones are worn out from him sliding around on his knees and stuff and basically being a boy! Next weekend we are going home to mom and dads to the fall fish fry and enjoy the leaves turning up there. Go Notre Dame this weekend they play Michigan State and next weekend Purdue. I love this time of year but its not my favorite, summer is my favorite but this is my next favorite with all the fall parties and football and everything.

September rolls on...

Not much going on here. September just keeps rolling on...I cannot believe Matty will be 6 tomorrow. My baby will be 6. Dustin has his 2nd football game today I hope his team will win another game. He seems to like playing. Big Brother is over (sob) but I am looking forward to seeing new seasons of Survivor and Amazing Race and Csi and Csi: Miami and Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy (Can you tell now that I am not married I have become a TV Nut..lol) I love watching TV in the evenings -- clean up the kitchen after dinner and head upstairs to my bed, my computer and my TV. I have become such a couch potato! I really do have no life, since Matty is asleep by 830. Tonight is my next class of divorce care. I did the bible study on your own stuff which was really cool although I am still not sure about this class. But Matty is all excited its Wednesday night and Club Rock --He absolutely loves Club Rock! Its all he has been talking about. So I cant let the kiddo down. I am starting to like the church even though I havent really met many people yet but its the pastors message that keeps me coming back. Plus its only 5 minutes from my place so its perfect in saving gas and everything. I miss Vineyard though because I really liked that church but its 40 min from home so for now since I am on the save money kick I am glad I found a church closer to home.

Finally finished Beth Moores book "get Out of that Pit" and am now reading Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman, and getting as much out of it as I did when I was reading Power of a Praying Wife. If anything this time as a single mom has brought me closer to God although there are so many things going on in my life right now that are so up in the air but I know that God is in control and I have to keep telling myself that on a daily basis. Unfortunately the ex husbands new wife is still harassing me. The other night she text me at 1045 pm (yep the whole house was asleep and was woke up by my phone) asking me if I was having sex with my ex husband? Wth? I havent even seen the man since Labor day when I picked Matty up in Peru from him. Uggh and I was asleep too when she sent that so the next day I emailed Mike and let him know that the games and the nasty texts and everything need to stop. He wrote me back saying he had been staying on Atterbury and didnt know about her doing this (yeah right) and that he would talk to her about it. I think its funny she is worried about her "husband" cheating when she has cheated on him numorous times ..oh well thats what he gets for marrying a woman that thinks he is her "posession" and has stated that to me and others several times. I am just sick of the whole thing. She needs to get over herself before she has harassment charges filed and Mike isnt allowed to see Matt unless he is being supervised.

I guess I just have to be the bigger person in all of this which is sometimes easier said than done. I have had to be the bigger person in alot of things lately which frustrates me. Why is that?

Maybe this is what it means when God is molding me and shaping me for a purpose-- letting me go through all the crap so in the end I can be this tough as nails Christian woman.

Baby is doing good, went to the doc last Wednesday and go back October 8th for Ultrasound and appt with the doc. Meds are working great as well. Its nice to have some energy back. Last night I made porkchops and baked beans and made a Pineapple Upside Down Cake for dessert. I love that I am getting my appetite back and can eat again. I am at 19 weeks I am going to have to take more belly shot pictures and post them tomorrow.

Why is it people think that I dont have feelings??

I am so angry!!!! Why is it people think they can say what they want to me and treat me how they want to. Do they not get that I have feelings, I have emotions, I am a person too! Yesterday I talked on the phone with my dad's sister (she took my dad and his best friend to the ND game) which was an awesome game anyways she got on the phone and no she couldnt say congrats on the pregnancy or hey Trace how have you been ..no she didnt even say anything like that no she immediately went into saying ...okay are we going to get our tubes tied after this one??? I was like what the hell??? I so wish I just would have laid into her ....why is that her concern? I take care of my kids, I am not on welfare, I work hard for a living for my kids....omg.....Where was she getting off....She doesnt have any kids, so maybe she doesnt understand how much my kids mean to me, they are my life. Even this child I am carrying the situation isnt the best I am bringing him/her into but I still love him/her with all my heart. Yes this is my last child and yes I am planning on getting my tubes tied after this one, but there are days I get tired of being treated like a 2nd class citizen. I get tired of feeling like a whore with all I have been through in 2008 which I have to say was even worse than 2007 which I thought 2007 was the worst, I was wrong. This year having been through the divorce and now everything with that and then meeting a guy I thought was Mr. Right apparently I was wrong about that and now being pregnant and I have to say the lonlieness I have been through this year has been the worst ever. I mean here it is 10 pm on a Sunday night and I am here alone, Matty is sleeping next to me snoring thats a great comfort but I so miss conversing with an adult once in awhile. This is the time when I really think God has forgotten about me and my prayers and my hopes and dreams. I blog on here to get out my feelings because I dont have anyone else to share with. Its hard to believe but a year ago I was married and had a life....I was mom and wife and everything but now yeah I am mom and I love my boys with all my heart and I am trying to bring them closer to God but it isnt the same. I didnt ask for my marriage to end and I dont know when this hole in my heart will be filled or if it can be filled. I also see people out and about and I think I used to be like that now I would just rather stay home I couldnt even go to my co-workers wedding reception Saturday night because I couldnt take all the couples, etc. Uggh well I am exhausted, heading to bed alone someday maybe I will get to fill this huge hole in my heart. Until then I will continue to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.

I know I havent posted

Everything at the doc went good Wednesday, she is just glad she could get me back on my meds and now we can work on lowering my TSH level down to where it needs to be. I finally got to hear the heartbeat, I love listening to a baby's heartbeat its at 151 which the boys were like 140 so I am thinking girl but I dont know...I will have an ultrasound on the 8th of October and yeah to all of you who want to know you will get to know. I still dont know if I want to know so I am thinking on that.

Started Divorce Care last night. I have to say, God has brought me through so much I am so much farther than I thought (yeah Gena you were right..lol) and I want to thank my "sisters" (you know who you are for getting me through this) because I saw last night what I could be like with the whole holding on thing and I am so glad you have been so "convincing" lol for lack of a better word, you have no idea how much I thank you for going through this with me and even with this pregnancy I couldnt have made it through any of this without you all. Even giving me the swift kick in the rear I needed to get over things to move on with things. And I thank God for putting the people in my life that I needed to get through all of this. Okay I have to quit or I am going to start crying...you girls just know how much I love you.

Okay this day is very special to me as well. I cant believe its been 7 years since that awful day. I call it the worst day in my marriage and my life because after this day passed my life has never been the same. Never in a million years would I think my life would have taken the paths and the twists and turns that it has...all that I have loved and lost and gained all because of 2 planes flying into the twin towers....1 plane flying into the pentagon and 1 plane flying into Shanksville, PA I have my job which I love because of the mobilization of troops for Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. My heart goes out to all of my friends serving here and overseas I love all of you and am proud of all of you.

Okay now I am getting weepy so I am gonna scoot also please pray for my friends in the Corpus Christi Area as you get ready for Hurricane Ike, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you be safe as you make decisions whether to drive inland or to stay through the storm. Godspeed.

Bad dr's appt..prayers appreciated.

Okay well I had a bad dr appt today. Having problems with thyroid issues my bffs and family are more informed. Its just been a very bad day and I am very tired. More when I feel up to it. I have to go back to the dr Wednesday at 10 am. Prayers are very much appreciated.

I love it! The first Saturday in September...

Football! My Christmas! Football season starting up again. Today was the seasonal debut of the Irish and then tomorrow night the Season opener of the Colts vs the Bears at Lucas Oil Stadium. Its also fall cleaning day for me. I started just doing the laundry and by the end of the day I had cleaned the laundry room, foyer, downstairs bathroom, and living room. I cannot believe I got rid of 12 boxes and bags of junk. Stuff I didnt need anymore, stuff to remind me of my former life. As I was cleaning I asked myself, does it get any easier, like tonight I decided to find a way to put up some of my knickknacks and my Partylite things and I opened the box to my Susan Winget house -- I loved that house as well as the barn and the church and I loved to burn tealights in them and as I opened the box to the house, the house had been shattered. I dont know when it happened but it was so symbolic to me --my home is shattered. I stood there tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to throw it away but I didnt want to. It meant that I was going to own the complete set anymore just like my heart, it wasnt complete. This year has been so hard to get through so many twists and turns and changes and everything. As I looked down at the house in that box as shattered as my life is/was I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5,6--"Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all things RELY on HIM and He will DIRECT your paths." God has a plan for me and my boys, for this baby coming, for everything happening we just right now are going through the tough stuff, one day I am going to be able to look back on this and realize I was closer to the Lord today more than I have been in a long time. Yeah I cried when I opened that box but I didnt get angry God has a plan, God has taken the wicked out of my life and the more I let go is directing my paths. No my life isnt how I wanted it to be. When I said "Till death do us part" I meant it but I think the "death" has come and now I am ready for the next stage whatever that may be. It took looking at that house sitting there shattered in that box for me to realize that yes certain parts of my life are over much as I dont want them to be--but God has something better in store for me. I also was all ready to get rid of my dog didnt think she fit in our family, well this afternoon I went out and put out this tie out in the patio area and put her on it and she loved it! Loved hanging around the back yard when it was time for her to come back in tonight she just came in and laid next to me there was no jumping on me no rambuctiousness just her ready to cuddle with me and when I asked her to go to her kennel she didnt fight it she went right in there. I plan on putting her out again there tomorrow for a few hours and then maybe in the evenings during the week. She is such a good dog she just needed something more. I think we all need something more I am not saying being outside more or whatever but we all need faith and when we dont have that faith our lives are lacking something and we start seeking but usually in the wrong places --- I have friends that need God but they are looking outside themselves and outside God--I know you can only do that so long before it sneaks up on you. I have people in my life that dont know what they have until they throw it away. I see that every single day People who think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, believe me when I tell you it isnt -- I had a conversation with a friend this week from back home and she just couldnt believe all I had been through and she is like "what did you do to tick God off" she didnt understand that I had given everything to God and let go...what happened next was the result of "free will' and by the end of the conversation she understood I was trustng God for everything and surrendering it all has so blessed me and my boys beyond my expectations I now realize that Joel Osteen when he says to make plans, my home may be in the dumpsters but its all gonna work out

Okay I gotta say yay its Friday even though this was a short week. Devotions with Dustin nightly are going awesomely. Wednesday nights devotions..oh wow he could really understand the point that God was trying to get across with the bible reading and then last night it was so awesome but we were talking about living IN Christ and he started crying..I was like Dustin what's wrong and you know he was having a hard time telling me and then it was so cool..hes like mom I dont like it when I sin...I was like thank you Jesus I am getting through to him. And I was like Dustin we arent perfect we have issues but this is where God is tugging at your heartstrings and wanting you to be more like Him. The changes just in the past week have been awesome and he has even helped me. I have been worrying about alot of things in the past week and the way he took to that lesson on worry--wow I need that so badly, I need that Lord I need child-like faith, like the faith you speak about in Mark. I am still trying to decide on whether or not to go to that divorce class that starts Wednesday night and about the new bed I have looked at I know i need a new bed but its like do I want to spend the money right now. God has supplied my needs above and beyond what I expected and I am so blessed!

Okay now I am getting my days mixed up....

Okay well I guess now today I am getting my days mixed up because its Wednesday already! Thats right I was off yesterday. This is going to be a short week. It rained today, not alot but enough to get the dust off my van and keep Matty inside :O) Its getting harder and harder for me to find clothes to fit my expanding body. My friend made a suggestion that maybe I should know what the sex of the baby is so I would be able to prepare, I dont know, I will think about it. Matty had a bad bowel day so I cant wait to try the raisin bran hopefully it will work better than the medication because the more I think about it the more I want less medications in Matty's life. I wish there was something I could do so I dont have to take medication for not having a thyroid anymore I am going to talk to the doctor about that. My co-workers loved my hair and I cannot wait to get it highlighted so then it will really be the way I want it done and complete.

I keep thinking about going to the divorce suport group but I dont know. I dont want to be hit on and I also am not healed. Its hard to heal when someone hurts you like I was hurt especially when you want to know why it was done and you ask yourself 200 times a day..what did I do wrong? Did I not give enough love? Did I not dote on his every need? Sexual inexperience? Questions like that cross my mind every single day.

I am taking this time in my life before my life gets any more hectic to just "be". God has provided over and above what I expected financially, friends, family, an awesome church. I am so blessed over and over.

New Haircut and New Baby Bump Pictures!

Okay y'all I have to share with you pics of my new haircut as well as baby bump pics..here we go with week 18! Almost halfway there! I am still not that keen on knowing the sex of the baby but those of you who do want to know let me know and when I have the u/s done I will have the girls at work send you what it is so I dont have to know....pretty clever, huh? Anyways here is the pics I am just hanging around on my day off I updated these also on my myspace as well as sent some to some friends and family. Have a blessed day! Love and miss you all, keep in touch!

Traci

My Labor Day Weekend

Okay well I wanted to enjoy my Labor Day Weekend. Okay well that didnt happen. I got home from work Friday night packed up the dog and the car and everything set off to pick up Matty from Daycare and head towards Kokomo and then onto the campground. Went to drop Matty off --- of course the witch was there -- I swear she doesnt let him do anything without her, what he sees in her is beyond me, I am glad I am 31 years old and I dont look in my 50's anyways went to drop Matty off and she of course makes comments, she cant keep her mouth shut, its all a game with her. But when she made comments about me being knocked up--okay I had to get out of there. I hugged Matty and yes I told him when I hugged him that he didnt have to listen to her because she is not his mommy I am his mommy and I left. I drove on into my friends campground--a huge thank you to my friends Bill and Janie for inviting me and Harley for the weekend. I got there just in time to play friday night bingo and thinking I was going to enjoy my weekend when my I got a text message from Michael's witch...what the hell? Her telling me that she didnt break up mine and Michael's marriage what the hell? I dont care anymore in my books she will always be a beotch and she will always be a homewrecker and her and Michael can have each other but they will never be the primary parents for my son. I am his mom. I am the one that is there for him no matter what, I am the one that makes sure he goes to bed on time every night and makes sure he is at daycare the next morning and then involved with him as much as I can. How the hell can dumbarse be a father and be in Matty's life when he is now an hour to an hour and a half away. When he was in Avon and I was here yeah he could be a part but not now. Anyways the text messages continued, I was trying to get to enjoy my weekend enjoy my bingo. Thank God for my friend Janie enough was enough for her, she called Mike on his cell and told him the messages had to stop. He of course lied through his teeth saying the messages werent coming from her phone although funny thing the caller id had her phone number on them. And even funnier thing the texts stopped when Janie called Michael. Anyways I was already shook up so I played the rest of the bingo night and went back to the campsite and went to bed.

Got up Saturday morning and my mom called me and invited me to a cookout at the house. Okay like I needed more crap in my life so I drove up there with Harley and went to the cookout. On the way up I called Jon and got him to bring Dustin up there and then to spend the night with my parents. The food and fellowship was awesome till the "have at it" session" and boy did we "have at it" so I called Jon and let him have it the whole earful my parents and my family gave me about Dustin being in Northern Indiana not being in Indy with me. I am praying for God to open an opportunity for Dustin to come back down here and go to school but in the meantime I know Dustin needs to be up there with his dad. But I also need my family's support in all of this, so I was like Jon what do we need to do. Well Jon had some ideas I love when he has ideas about all of this. We are going to buy webcams so we can be online and see each other and type on messenger and we are going to continue with the nightly devotions and Jon is promising to go back to letting Dustin see my parents twice a month realizing that we have to put the family back into all of this. He also got to stay the night with my parents Saturday night and go to the MDA Ride with his aunt and uncle the next day and his cousins and then go out to the farm with his dad and everything. The next morning when I left to go back to the campground there was no fighting, no animosity my mom and dad even hugged me goodbye which they havent done in awhile.

I headed back to the campground, back to my friends, found out that they had had an exciting night. One of the guys had gotten drunk and fell off his chair and into the fire! Ouch! He has 2nd and 3rd degree burns and they took him to the ER but Janie is an awesome nurse so he took awesome pre-care of him. We went to Sunday bingo (I didnt win anything) but for some reason apparently I must have been wearing an imaginary sign around my neck saying "unattached" because I was hit on 4 times this weekend! I MEAN What the heck 4 times!!! And these werent even guys I would have gone out with..I mean I admit I dont know who I would go out with anymore because frankly I am just not interested anymore. I have been hurt alot -- I dont even know what my type is anymore --anyways uggh. I am not a jerkmagnet!

Okay enough said on that. Sunday night was steaks and potatoes and I couldnt even eat my steak. Someday my appetite will come back I mean I am pregnant I should be eating like crazy and I am not---what the heck I think its all the stress I am under. Of course Mike had to call my phone Sunday night and ruin my evening it just had to happen--he was griping about medicine for Matty -- yes my son has a problem with his bowels and they have given him medicine to put in his juice but I am so ready to try something non-medicinal (I guess thats the new age mom in me) so hes like going off about the medicine to put in the juice being over the expiration date I of course am not making a very big deal about it, because I am going to agree with my mom on this one (yeah probably the only time her and I are going to agree) but I am ready to try raisin bran and fiber pills and not have to put meds down my son but apparently the "mommy-wife" who has had how many sick children die? is working to medicate my child--not going to happen--what is her deal anyway? She also was going off about allergy medication for my child--does she get it? MY Child, I am the one for the last 2 years has taken care of him while they have basically abandoned him and I, I know when we need to start taking the Zyrtec its not a daily thing with him, the only thing I do carry is his inhaler and we only have been using that a couple of times during the year. I am getting to be a big believer on not medicating children --- sorry "mommy-wife" to burst your bubble, unless a child needs it. Apparently she cant get that through her weed eater-blonde okay I will say its that color hair. Anyways hes like you need to call Riley and I am like nope I do not I know what my child needs. And you can just hear her go off in the background. Get over it beotch. This is MY healthy happy active little boy I was there through all the hospitalizations and follow ups and today hes almost 6 yrs old and a healthy happy active little boy that loves to ride his 2 wheeler and play and be ornery and just be Matty as I call it. We dont focus on the negative--she needs to get over it.

Okay well anyway Bill and Janie had some friends out Sunday night and had some fun and I actually enjoyed my evening although I was missing my boys (Dustin did call me about 730 to tell me about his day and the MDA Ride, he watched it with my parents and my family and then went out to Grandpa Zimmers for the rest of the day and of course had to call and tell me about all of it which I look forward to when he calls me and tells me about his day.)

I was planning on not coming home till Tuesday since I dont have to work till Wednesday and I could have some more "me time" since when the baby comes thats not going to happen much anymore, but of course Monday morning I was woken up by a phone call from the "doom and gloom" supercouple ....hahaha I like that one! Finding out when I could meet them to pick up Matty today. What part of take Matty to school on Tuesday do they not get? apparently all of it so I spent the morning with Janie and Bill and left to go pick up Matty. I was missing him big time anyway and he had been enough around them he needed his mommy, and I had had enough of the 2 of them. I was just glad getting him back. Of course he was wearing something I would not have picked out for him and daddy bought him new shoes (he has 3 pairs, enough with the shoes already!!!) and he was tired and cranky which means he didnt get his bedtime routine either, uggh but he was home back with me and amen when I left Kokomo he was back with me where he definitely belongs.

Today is my day off and I really needed to sleep in and well now I am up and blogging and Matty is off at school and let me tell you not in a good mood, tired from the weekend (go figure) so it will be an early night for him tonight I can just tell I have got to get up and get around and get some stuff done so Labor Day 2008 is over who knows where I will be in 2009 but thats the fun of it all --- each year, each holiday is a new adventure thats why I love life--yeah mine has sucked this year like big time but this blogging thing I can look back and see where I have come from and where I am going. ....of course, more later.

Way to go McCain!

Okay I just came back from lunch and flip on the msnbc site and find out that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP Running Mate! Way to go McCain for putting a woman on your ticket especially after Hilary...the girls in the office call it brilliant and so do I. Yeah well this goes to show you anything a man can do a guy can do I have known of that for years this also reinstills my faith to vote for McCain in November! Power to the Women in Politics and aiding in running our country!

Tired of feeling used and abused

Okay this is my vent post for the week. I have just had it. Had it with life, had it with everything. I keep asking God where He is in all of this because after last night I dont see him in much of anything in all of this. My night started out with my ex husband basically blowing up my cell phone calling me from 4pm because well lets see the world revolves around him and his new wifey, yeah new wifey who ran out of guys to screw in Indy so lets move to Kokomo and then make my ex husband marry you or send him to jail for kicking your happy ass--wow what a basis of a marriage..anywhoo... (sure if you want a woman who has you by the balls 24/7 then by all means go for it) anyways he apparently has his family now which includes my 5 yr old son funny thing is that my son hates her guts and wont have anything to do with her and doesnt even want to be around dad since basically for the last 2 years dad has been too busy with his life to be with his son and blown him off but that all has to change now because well he has the little witch and he has to show her hes the perfect father (not) and well lets see now they live an hour away and he basically wanted me to cater to his happy rear (trying to be nice and not use profanity...) and drive Matty up there and he will meet me. Okay fine except for this weekend I had plans and my plans didnt include my kids for once because I am escaping to take some time for myself. So now I have to drive home from work and pack up the car and deal with a 5 yr old I wasnt planning on dealing with. And then Monday night figure out how I am going to get him back. It would have been nice for my evening to end there. But no it doesnt. My mother decided that last night that that knife needed to be twisted in my heart/back whatever just a little bit more, so she proceeds to call me and tell me that its all my fault that she doesnt get to see her grandbabies. I cant help Mike divorced me and she doesnt get to see her step grandchild because apparently Mike thinks you divorce children too when you divorce someone..I love all my kids regardless if they are mine or not I know I have a 10 yr old son who would still like to have a relationship with Mike since Mike was there for him since he was 3 years old but well apparently that isnt going to happen. And apparently thats all my fault as well. Didnt you know everything is my fault. Getting cheated on was my fault because I didnt have triple d boobs, and wasnt pretty enough, sorry I am not a slut or a hoochie mama, getting pregnant was my fault because I apparently was not a sex goddess...anyways bottom line everything is my fault I am finding out..and that I guess I am too nice in this world you have to be a bitch to make it in this world something I have never been much of before, but something I better learn about pretty damn quick otherwise I am going to lose everything but I guess the point is what do I have now? A pile of bills and an income withholding order for people to pay child support but unless they take it out of their checks that isnt going to get me much anywhere. Then I trust a person let him date me let him spend time with me and when things get tough (ie I got pregnant) well so much for that and I havent heard from him in almost 3 weeks. So thats why I am to the point where the hell with men. People keep telling me there is this perfect guy out there for me. I am 31 years old and have yet to find him not that I am looking at the moment because really who would want to date a pregnant woman, and if I have one more person tell me God has something awesome for me I am so gonna smack them. I thought I had met a great guy someone who wanted to be with me for me, someone who I could match wits with and be a smartass with and him with me plus he was a soldier which I love the whole loving a soldier thing so we date and then one thing leads to another and then I find out I am pregnant and boom! things change...I actually dont know what happened I think he was intimidated by someone to not go near me because the phone calls and texts stopped. I was really wanting to get to know this person. I know if I got a girl pregnant yeah allow me to run away sorry I guess I am just not built like that..so so far in this pregnancy (almost 18 weeks) I have been alone dealing with the pain and the morning sickness and everything. Still working 40 hrs a week, still dealing with the needs of 2 kids and still waiting for God to decide enough is enough before he hands me anymore because Lord I am so there, enough is enough. I would just like some peace and order in my life, right now my life consists of me working all day, coming home, hanging out with Matty and then being in bed by 9pm. Up at 510 am to start all over again. If I am lonely or sick to my stomach I deal with it. No energy anymore since the pregnancy so I am getting so behind on housework I do the bare mininum it takes to get by. There are so many nights I would just like to have someone to curl up with and watch TV with and talk to. I actually thought I had found my match but apparently I was wrong. Okay well now my feelings are out and now everyone knows why I am feeling like I am feeling I am gonna go and cry now. Hope all of you have a better weekend than me.

Pretty uneventful night

I got to say yesterday was pretty uneventful. Shellie brought Garrett into the office yesterday afternoon. Good to see him doing so well since his surgery and lengthy hospital stay. He is a beautiful baby. Went to pick Matty up at daycare last night and he looked like he had been to a shooting. His top of his shirt from his top of his collar all the way down to about the middle was covered in ketchup--when I asked him what happened he told me that the "ketchup kasploded at lunch" I think its funny how he says the word exploded, now I am just trying to get the ketchup off the shirt..Got to play more with the baby last night too. For some reason I can lay on my bed while Matty is taking a bath and getting ready for bed and she is all over my stomach..an arm there a leg there maybe this is just a signal of the jealousy to come..hahaha but she/he seems to be more active like around 7pm than any other part of the day. Other than that not much else went on so for a Wednesday it was a pretty uneventful day.

Okay last night went much better....

Okay last night went much better...with Dustin that is. He called me about 930 on the way home from somewhere with his dad and hes like hey mom how are you and all that jazz and to tell you the truth, I was actually half asleep. But then it was so cool hes like mom I am all ready for devotions. So I said a quick prayer..Lord give the child a peaceable heart and an open heart and to be honest I hadnt even looked at the devotional for the evening before hand and so I open it and its based on Luke 12...thanks Lord I guess I need a reminder too. Anyways Luke 12:12-the end of the chapter is all about not worrying and remembering that the Lord is caring for you. I love the illustration He uses about the raven, how he doesnt reap, doesnt sow yet God feeds them and gives them feathers. And then it was like the Lord placed the words in my mouth as to what to say to Dustin and what I was telling Dustin was good advice for me as well. Dustin I know we have been through alot but you know what its all going to one day very soon work out and when it does we arent going to have the chance to question God and say why, its just all going to fall into place and its going to be for His glory. As I was saying this and praying this into my heart there was like this peace I could feel on the other end of the phone line. I was like thank you God that you can make peace in the midst of the toughest trials of our lives. I am starting to worry about this baby and how I am going to afford it and am I going to be alone in the delivery room and where and who is going to take care of Matt and everything and last nights devotion was for me as much as it was for him. Traci, stop worrying, let tomorrow take care of tomorrow, focus on the day before you and live each day to the fullest for Him. I love when we have those "God moments." As for Dustin I think that was the best phone call we have had in awhile and you could just tell last night he was going to go to bed with a smile on his face and a peace in his heart that hadnt been there in a long time. I know I went back to sleep with that smile and that peace knowing I had used the word and a simple parable to speak volumes to my son.

I am in the process of finishing for the 2nd time Beth Moores book "Get Out of that Pit!" and I stumbled across a bible verse I didnt really notice the 1st time maybe its one of those "God moments" where I wasnt supposed to get that verse till I was ready for it...anyways...Isaiah 30:15 states "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." How many times does the Lord tell us to "Be Still and know that He is God and He is in control..." (Psalm 46:10) and we just keep on worrying and carrying on when we seem to forget God is bigger than us. That He knows whats in the cards for us and if we trust Him, He will lead us down the right path...yeah I know Words to Grow on and there are times I think if I would have just let Him have control of this situation or that one....maybe things would have turned out so much better...

Things didnt go as well as I planned...

Okay well things didnt go as well as planned with the whole family devotional thing. The part I did with Matty went ok but then we went outside to play and realized someone had stolen his scooter..right off our back patio! I was furious! I think I actually let my anger get the better of me but we do have some super neighborhood kids who are helping me find it (they told me last night some big kid is riding it around the neighborhood) I just cannot believe someone would get up on the patio and steal a scooter. Okay enough with that vent, Matty and I worked on his bible verse Joshua 1:9 and we got prayers said and the next thing I know he fell asleep downstairs on his big Elmo doll. Well at least we got devotionals done. Devotionals with Dustin were so much harder, Dustin kept crying that he missed me and wants to come back to Indy. I just dont feel back here with me is the place for him and so he proceeded to bawl through most of the lesson although he did listen. I miss him but I know him being with his dad is the next right thing for him. His dad and I have built up like this tag team parenting from 4 hrs apart and there really isnt any animosity towards each other anymore. Of course I dont see that happening between Mike and I as long as hes with the hoochie mama there will be no respect because I cant see that woman near my son or any child for that matter uggh she just makes my skin crawl. The evil in her, oh well. Lord forgive me for talking about her like that shes just one of those people.

Anyways it was very hard for me to get through the lesson with Dustin because of his blubbering and then I could not understand him when he was trying to talk to me so tonight when I call him I will pray for open hearts and for us to have an awesome devotional before I get on the phone. Didnt get alot done yesterday physcho dog got mad that I was outside and she was inside in the house so she went on a chewing spree and chewed up several of Matts toys which landed her in her kennel for the night. There are nights that dog behaves beautifully and then other nights I just want to lock her up in her kennel for good and last night was one of those nights. Tuesday is picture day so I have to find something for Matty to wear for pictures. I am guessing by all accounts that he is really loving kindergarten and yesterday he even read some for me.

I am loving this obeying mom thing and in bed by 8pm thing because the little booger is so worn out, last night he didnt even get through all his dinner before he fell asleep poor worn out little guy but that also helps mom so I can get my stuff done so I can go to bed.

I am just glad the olympics are over. How people like my mother can watch hour after hour of that stuff is news to me. Now I am gearing up for football! Go Notre Dame, they have to have a better season then last season or they are going to be saying gooodbye to Charlie Weis. Last night though I admit there wasnt anything much on TV so I had Food Network on most of the night. Its a great channel when there isnt anything else on. I am just not into alot of those sitcoms and stuff. Not sure why when I used to watch TV all the time. Well gotta scoot, enjoy the blessings and the fruits in your day!

The rest of the weekend

Saturday night I was still feeling pretty good although a little tired so I went to Vineyard to their End of Summer Celebration. Had an awesome church service even though I wasnt for some reason in a celebration mood. They had one song where all these people came on stage holding up cardboard written on with black marker telling about all the bad in their lives and then flipping it over with all the good the Lord has done in their lives. It really had me in tears. I know God has a plan but at the moment I feel like I am staring into a black hole, I so wanted to get up and leave but I just sat there and let the tears flow. I hate my heart being in a million pieces right now.

After Church out on the back lawn they had an awesome party--food, music, games, Matty really got the chance to enjoy himself, he loves a good party!!!! I have to admit I was ready after church to go home but Matty so wanted to go to the party so we went and I have to admit I ended up having fun despite my heart just really aching.

Sunday morning we went back to Chapel Rock. I have to admit I am really liking that church. Not very casual but the worship and the message is awesome! I went back to the Basin Sunday School Class, not sure what I was in store for and the regular teacher was back. The Lesson was on the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:17-34) They even had this modern day video relating to the bible verse except in this case they used paintings and not money. The one gentleman got the biggest jar of gold paint and he painted the most beautiful picture and did as the customer suggested, the one with the next amount did also as she was asked and painted a beautiful picture and used all of her gold paint as she was instructed. Then came the man with the smallest amount of gold paint and he sat there all night long and couldnt use the gold paint and ended up not painting anything on his canvas. The master was very angry with him and sent him away and had the other 2 paint a picture using that canvas.

It hit me so hard but I can relate my life lately to the man with the blank canvas. I know my divorce is final but for the last 3 months I have so locked myself away from everyone and everything including my kids. And why? I really couldnt give an answer. I know my marriage is over but why shut out my kids and my friends and family from my life. Why curse this pregnancy when it is in fact a miracle.

That really got me thinking. And I love it when the Lord gets me thinking because then he really cements his thoughts which sometimes can be so uncomfortable. Anyways went into the sanctuary for Worship Service and they were talking that when a child is born they have 962 weekends till they graduate 12th grade. I hate when God really drives a point home but I so needed that point drove home. My husband and I are divorced and I still have 2 boys that need their mom, so why am I shutting them out of my life? I honestly couldnt give an answer. My life isnt over although for the last 3 months I have been living as it has and it was then when it really hit me like a ton of bricks--what am I doing to help my children along in their faith? The answer was nothing, I work all day and come home and lock everyone out of my thoughts. Why am I missing this golden opportunity to be the light in my kids lives? The rest of the service went so much easier for me and as soon as the church service was over I went to the bookstore in the church and bought a childrens devotional book and called up Jon and told him what I was planning to do with Dustin to help him in his walk in his hunger for the Lord and he so agreed and then I called my bff Gena and told her and shes like God's light is finally shining through on you --God has given you this awesome opportunity to be there for your kids to pray with your kids and help them establish their faith you are finally living a part of the word --to train your children as God wants you to. I dont know whats going on with the situation with the baby's father but God has that all under control because I have given it to Him. So Monday night at 9pm I am going to start Day 1 of family devotions I will let you know how they are going, just please keep us in your prayers. I know I cant give my kids the complete family that they want but I alone with the Lord's help can be the beacon of light that they need.

Okay its Saturday!

Okay well I woke up raring to go! What the heck I have felt like crap for the last 2 weeks so okay I guess I deserve a good mornin. I got up and headed downstairs and scrubbed the kitchen and now just stripped the beds and remade them and got the washer going. I am thinking I am going to take a shower and while I am drying and etc then I will clean the bathroom. You know gotta take care of things while I am feeling good. I am then going to get the rest of the carpets vacuumed as well as the foyer downstairs mopped and then I will go to Meijer and pick up some stuff I love it when I am not feeling sick and can enjoy the day. Gotta get this place to looking my own oh yeah gotta add a pic of me 16 weeks into this pregnancy I wasnt this big with either of the boys of course I gained all the weight in my butt and this pregnancy is all out there because I can still wear my pants. Well I will have to add more later got to get to cleaning so I get that all done and then I can relax (like I know what that is...lol) Have a blessed day!