The rest of the weekend

Saturday night I was still feeling pretty good although a little tired so I went to Vineyard to their End of Summer Celebration. Had an awesome church service even though I wasnt for some reason in a celebration mood. They had one song where all these people came on stage holding up cardboard written on with black marker telling about all the bad in their lives and then flipping it over with all the good the Lord has done in their lives. It really had me in tears. I know God has a plan but at the moment I feel like I am staring into a black hole, I so wanted to get up and leave but I just sat there and let the tears flow. I hate my heart being in a million pieces right now.

After Church out on the back lawn they had an awesome party--food, music, games, Matty really got the chance to enjoy himself, he loves a good party!!!! I have to admit I was ready after church to go home but Matty so wanted to go to the party so we went and I have to admit I ended up having fun despite my heart just really aching.

Sunday morning we went back to Chapel Rock. I have to admit I am really liking that church. Not very casual but the worship and the message is awesome! I went back to the Basin Sunday School Class, not sure what I was in store for and the regular teacher was back. The Lesson was on the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:17-34) They even had this modern day video relating to the bible verse except in this case they used paintings and not money. The one gentleman got the biggest jar of gold paint and he painted the most beautiful picture and did as the customer suggested, the one with the next amount did also as she was asked and painted a beautiful picture and used all of her gold paint as she was instructed. Then came the man with the smallest amount of gold paint and he sat there all night long and couldnt use the gold paint and ended up not painting anything on his canvas. The master was very angry with him and sent him away and had the other 2 paint a picture using that canvas.

It hit me so hard but I can relate my life lately to the man with the blank canvas. I know my divorce is final but for the last 3 months I have so locked myself away from everyone and everything including my kids. And why? I really couldnt give an answer. I know my marriage is over but why shut out my kids and my friends and family from my life. Why curse this pregnancy when it is in fact a miracle.

That really got me thinking. And I love it when the Lord gets me thinking because then he really cements his thoughts which sometimes can be so uncomfortable. Anyways went into the sanctuary for Worship Service and they were talking that when a child is born they have 962 weekends till they graduate 12th grade. I hate when God really drives a point home but I so needed that point drove home. My husband and I are divorced and I still have 2 boys that need their mom, so why am I shutting them out of my life? I honestly couldnt give an answer. My life isnt over although for the last 3 months I have been living as it has and it was then when it really hit me like a ton of bricks--what am I doing to help my children along in their faith? The answer was nothing, I work all day and come home and lock everyone out of my thoughts. Why am I missing this golden opportunity to be the light in my kids lives? The rest of the service went so much easier for me and as soon as the church service was over I went to the bookstore in the church and bought a childrens devotional book and called up Jon and told him what I was planning to do with Dustin to help him in his walk in his hunger for the Lord and he so agreed and then I called my bff Gena and told her and shes like God's light is finally shining through on you --God has given you this awesome opportunity to be there for your kids to pray with your kids and help them establish their faith you are finally living a part of the word --to train your children as God wants you to. I dont know whats going on with the situation with the baby's father but God has that all under control because I have given it to Him. So Monday night at 9pm I am going to start Day 1 of family devotions I will let you know how they are going, just please keep us in your prayers. I know I cant give my kids the complete family that they want but I alone with the Lord's help can be the beacon of light that they need.