Awesome Weekend

I had an awesome weekend up in South Bend and my Irish won so yay! The fish fry Saturday night was awesome as was the birthday party we held for Matty after the fish fry! My aunt and uncle came from Michigan and we went over to my grandmothers and the kids got to spend time playing with their uncle and papa. On Sunday went to mom's church, had a nice service I will always consider Osceola UMC my home church no matter where I live or how far away I am.

Sunday afternoon left mom and dad and stopped at Gena's on the way home. I love the time I get to spend with my friends but it was too short. Time flew and it was 8pm and I was on my way to Indy again.

Not Much Going on here...

This week I think is just going to drag on, only because I am excited to go home this weekend and be with my family and celebrate Matty's birthday and Notre Dame vs Purdue and then of course the fish fry. I cant miss the fish fry and dad and Bus cooking all that fish. Plus I get Dustin for the weekend! Its become pretty sad that I am looking forward to going home on a weekend -- I really dont have a life, I so need a life oh well.

OMG!!! Use a freaking phone already!

and dont say you left me a voicemail when I know you sure the hell did not! OMG! I just want to scream...I have a life too! Now I have a six year old child bawling his eyes out because he wanted to go spend the weekend with his dad...his birthday weekend of all things ...and here is the thing the arse called and wished him a Happy Birthday on his birthday and then pulls this crap...WTH? I had plans this weekend to go shopping without a kid which is something I dont get to do very often and get the van swept out and washed and detailed even though that wont last long with a 6 yr old that thinks the floor of the van is a trash can and catch all and then I was planning on going to the movies by myself for the first time and seeing the movie "The Women" or the new Kate Hudson movie that just came out --basically, bottomline I had plans for this weekend and now because you are a selfish s.o.b. I have my son this weekend...WTH? Dont get me wrong I love my kids with all my heart but what I dont love is my 6 yr old rolled up in his blanket by the patio doors downstairs crying himself to sleep. Dont guys get what they do to these kids when they pull the no call no show act, and yeah I am going to be selfish for a minute but I had plans too. OMG I just have to vent and get this out because I am getting sick of it. My opinion of men in general is going to the dogs so to speak really fast because well lets see I am 20 weeks pregnant and well the baby's father hasnt even called to see how things are and then the arse I was married to divorces me and marries his beotch on the same day and then thinks he is Father of the Year --- well arse of the year is more like it! Men are arses and the day I meet a man who will love me and treat me like a queen (yeah right that isnt going to happen) I think I will die a happy woman! Father God I dont get it, all I wanted in my life was a man whom I could spend my life with and kids and a house and a car that doesnt break down every 5 seconds is that too much to ask for? I guess it is so for the minute I am going to enjoy my life as a single person and enjoy my kids and let life happen as it does. I still cant believe my ex husband would hurt his son (his pride and joy so to speak) but it just proves how selfish he is and how full of himself he is and pretty much what every man that has been in my life is....okay vent over now I am going to head to get the van done which will take longer because Matt has to "help" uggh well I pray you all have a wonderful Saturday

Happy Birthday Matt!

Okay my baby is 6 years old today so I guess I need to quit calling him Matty. He will always be my Matty though. Last night we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, I love the way they let them up on the saddle and sing Happy Birthday to him. Then we went to Goodwill, I love that store but they had no jeans for Matt (crud) but I found a couple pairs of Maternity pants and a couple of shirts. Matt found some Hulk Hands these cute huge Hulk hands there and so I got those for him. Then we went to Walmart and I found him some jeans and a couple of shirts. I cannot believe that size 5 jeans were too small, so I found him some size 6 ones that fit. I know this probably isnt the most elablorate of birthday celebrations but it was very special, I was with spending the evening with my baby. Yeah I didnt spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for him like I know someone probably will but I did get him some jeans which he needed since all his other ones are worn out from him sliding around on his knees and stuff and basically being a boy! Next weekend we are going home to mom and dads to the fall fish fry and enjoy the leaves turning up there. Go Notre Dame this weekend they play Michigan State and next weekend Purdue. I love this time of year but its not my favorite, summer is my favorite but this is my next favorite with all the fall parties and football and everything.

September rolls on...

Not much going on here. September just keeps rolling on...I cannot believe Matty will be 6 tomorrow. My baby will be 6. Dustin has his 2nd football game today I hope his team will win another game. He seems to like playing. Big Brother is over (sob) but I am looking forward to seeing new seasons of Survivor and Amazing Race and Csi and Csi: Miami and Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy (Can you tell now that I am not married I have become a TV Nut..lol) I love watching TV in the evenings -- clean up the kitchen after dinner and head upstairs to my bed, my computer and my TV. I have become such a couch potato! I really do have no life, since Matty is asleep by 830. Tonight is my next class of divorce care. I did the bible study on your own stuff which was really cool although I am still not sure about this class. But Matty is all excited its Wednesday night and Club Rock --He absolutely loves Club Rock! Its all he has been talking about. So I cant let the kiddo down. I am starting to like the church even though I havent really met many people yet but its the pastors message that keeps me coming back. Plus its only 5 minutes from my place so its perfect in saving gas and everything. I miss Vineyard though because I really liked that church but its 40 min from home so for now since I am on the save money kick I am glad I found a church closer to home.

Finally finished Beth Moores book "get Out of that Pit" and am now reading Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman, and getting as much out of it as I did when I was reading Power of a Praying Wife. If anything this time as a single mom has brought me closer to God although there are so many things going on in my life right now that are so up in the air but I know that God is in control and I have to keep telling myself that on a daily basis. Unfortunately the ex husbands new wife is still harassing me. The other night she text me at 1045 pm (yep the whole house was asleep and was woke up by my phone) asking me if I was having sex with my ex husband? Wth? I havent even seen the man since Labor day when I picked Matty up in Peru from him. Uggh and I was asleep too when she sent that so the next day I emailed Mike and let him know that the games and the nasty texts and everything need to stop. He wrote me back saying he had been staying on Atterbury and didnt know about her doing this (yeah right) and that he would talk to her about it. I think its funny she is worried about her "husband" cheating when she has cheated on him numorous times ..oh well thats what he gets for marrying a woman that thinks he is her "posession" and has stated that to me and others several times. I am just sick of the whole thing. She needs to get over herself before she has harassment charges filed and Mike isnt allowed to see Matt unless he is being supervised.

I guess I just have to be the bigger person in all of this which is sometimes easier said than done. I have had to be the bigger person in alot of things lately which frustrates me. Why is that?

Maybe this is what it means when God is molding me and shaping me for a purpose-- letting me go through all the crap so in the end I can be this tough as nails Christian woman.

Baby is doing good, went to the doc last Wednesday and go back October 8th for Ultrasound and appt with the doc. Meds are working great as well. Its nice to have some energy back. Last night I made porkchops and baked beans and made a Pineapple Upside Down Cake for dessert. I love that I am getting my appetite back and can eat again. I am at 19 weeks I am going to have to take more belly shot pictures and post them tomorrow.

Why is it people think that I dont have feelings??

I am so angry!!!! Why is it people think they can say what they want to me and treat me how they want to. Do they not get that I have feelings, I have emotions, I am a person too! Yesterday I talked on the phone with my dad's sister (she took my dad and his best friend to the ND game) which was an awesome game anyways she got on the phone and no she couldnt say congrats on the pregnancy or hey Trace how have you been ..no she didnt even say anything like that no she immediately went into saying ...okay are we going to get our tubes tied after this one??? I was like what the hell??? I so wish I just would have laid into her ....why is that her concern? I take care of my kids, I am not on welfare, I work hard for a living for my kids....omg.....Where was she getting off....She doesnt have any kids, so maybe she doesnt understand how much my kids mean to me, they are my life. Even this child I am carrying the situation isnt the best I am bringing him/her into but I still love him/her with all my heart. Yes this is my last child and yes I am planning on getting my tubes tied after this one, but there are days I get tired of being treated like a 2nd class citizen. I get tired of feeling like a whore with all I have been through in 2008 which I have to say was even worse than 2007 which I thought 2007 was the worst, I was wrong. This year having been through the divorce and now everything with that and then meeting a guy I thought was Mr. Right apparently I was wrong about that and now being pregnant and I have to say the lonlieness I have been through this year has been the worst ever. I mean here it is 10 pm on a Sunday night and I am here alone, Matty is sleeping next to me snoring thats a great comfort but I so miss conversing with an adult once in awhile. This is the time when I really think God has forgotten about me and my prayers and my hopes and dreams. I blog on here to get out my feelings because I dont have anyone else to share with. Its hard to believe but a year ago I was married and had a life....I was mom and wife and everything but now yeah I am mom and I love my boys with all my heart and I am trying to bring them closer to God but it isnt the same. I didnt ask for my marriage to end and I dont know when this hole in my heart will be filled or if it can be filled. I also see people out and about and I think I used to be like that now I would just rather stay home I couldnt even go to my co-workers wedding reception Saturday night because I couldnt take all the couples, etc. Uggh well I am exhausted, heading to bed alone someday maybe I will get to fill this huge hole in my heart. Until then I will continue to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.

I know I havent posted

Everything at the doc went good Wednesday, she is just glad she could get me back on my meds and now we can work on lowering my TSH level down to where it needs to be. I finally got to hear the heartbeat, I love listening to a baby's heartbeat its at 151 which the boys were like 140 so I am thinking girl but I dont know...I will have an ultrasound on the 8th of October and yeah to all of you who want to know you will get to know. I still dont know if I want to know so I am thinking on that.

Started Divorce Care last night. I have to say, God has brought me through so much I am so much farther than I thought (yeah Gena you were right..lol) and I want to thank my "sisters" (you know who you are for getting me through this) because I saw last night what I could be like with the whole holding on thing and I am so glad you have been so "convincing" lol for lack of a better word, you have no idea how much I thank you for going through this with me and even with this pregnancy I couldnt have made it through any of this without you all. Even giving me the swift kick in the rear I needed to get over things to move on with things. And I thank God for putting the people in my life that I needed to get through all of this. Okay I have to quit or I am going to start crying...you girls just know how much I love you.

Okay this day is very special to me as well. I cant believe its been 7 years since that awful day. I call it the worst day in my marriage and my life because after this day passed my life has never been the same. Never in a million years would I think my life would have taken the paths and the twists and turns that it has...all that I have loved and lost and gained all because of 2 planes flying into the twin towers....1 plane flying into the pentagon and 1 plane flying into Shanksville, PA I have my job which I love because of the mobilization of troops for Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. My heart goes out to all of my friends serving here and overseas I love all of you and am proud of all of you.

Okay now I am getting weepy so I am gonna scoot also please pray for my friends in the Corpus Christi Area as you get ready for Hurricane Ike, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you be safe as you make decisions whether to drive inland or to stay through the storm. Godspeed.

Bad dr's appt..prayers appreciated.

Okay well I had a bad dr appt today. Having problems with thyroid issues my bffs and family are more informed. Its just been a very bad day and I am very tired. More when I feel up to it. I have to go back to the dr Wednesday at 10 am. Prayers are very much appreciated.

I love it! The first Saturday in September...

Football! My Christmas! Football season starting up again. Today was the seasonal debut of the Irish and then tomorrow night the Season opener of the Colts vs the Bears at Lucas Oil Stadium. Its also fall cleaning day for me. I started just doing the laundry and by the end of the day I had cleaned the laundry room, foyer, downstairs bathroom, and living room. I cannot believe I got rid of 12 boxes and bags of junk. Stuff I didnt need anymore, stuff to remind me of my former life. As I was cleaning I asked myself, does it get any easier, like tonight I decided to find a way to put up some of my knickknacks and my Partylite things and I opened the box to my Susan Winget house -- I loved that house as well as the barn and the church and I loved to burn tealights in them and as I opened the box to the house, the house had been shattered. I dont know when it happened but it was so symbolic to me --my home is shattered. I stood there tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to throw it away but I didnt want to. It meant that I was going to own the complete set anymore just like my heart, it wasnt complete. This year has been so hard to get through so many twists and turns and changes and everything. As I looked down at the house in that box as shattered as my life is/was I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5,6--"Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all things RELY on HIM and He will DIRECT your paths." God has a plan for me and my boys, for this baby coming, for everything happening we just right now are going through the tough stuff, one day I am going to be able to look back on this and realize I was closer to the Lord today more than I have been in a long time. Yeah I cried when I opened that box but I didnt get angry God has a plan, God has taken the wicked out of my life and the more I let go is directing my paths. No my life isnt how I wanted it to be. When I said "Till death do us part" I meant it but I think the "death" has come and now I am ready for the next stage whatever that may be. It took looking at that house sitting there shattered in that box for me to realize that yes certain parts of my life are over much as I dont want them to be--but God has something better in store for me. I also was all ready to get rid of my dog didnt think she fit in our family, well this afternoon I went out and put out this tie out in the patio area and put her on it and she loved it! Loved hanging around the back yard when it was time for her to come back in tonight she just came in and laid next to me there was no jumping on me no rambuctiousness just her ready to cuddle with me and when I asked her to go to her kennel she didnt fight it she went right in there. I plan on putting her out again there tomorrow for a few hours and then maybe in the evenings during the week. She is such a good dog she just needed something more. I think we all need something more I am not saying being outside more or whatever but we all need faith and when we dont have that faith our lives are lacking something and we start seeking but usually in the wrong places --- I have friends that need God but they are looking outside themselves and outside God--I know you can only do that so long before it sneaks up on you. I have people in my life that dont know what they have until they throw it away. I see that every single day People who think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, believe me when I tell you it isnt -- I had a conversation with a friend this week from back home and she just couldnt believe all I had been through and she is like "what did you do to tick God off" she didnt understand that I had given everything to God and let go...what happened next was the result of "free will' and by the end of the conversation she understood I was trustng God for everything and surrendering it all has so blessed me and my boys beyond my expectations I now realize that Joel Osteen when he says to make plans, my home may be in the dumpsters but its all gonna work out

Okay I gotta say yay its Friday even though this was a short week. Devotions with Dustin nightly are going awesomely. Wednesday nights devotions..oh wow he could really understand the point that God was trying to get across with the bible reading and then last night it was so awesome but we were talking about living IN Christ and he started crying..I was like Dustin what's wrong and you know he was having a hard time telling me and then it was so cool..hes like mom I dont like it when I sin...I was like thank you Jesus I am getting through to him. And I was like Dustin we arent perfect we have issues but this is where God is tugging at your heartstrings and wanting you to be more like Him. The changes just in the past week have been awesome and he has even helped me. I have been worrying about alot of things in the past week and the way he took to that lesson on worry--wow I need that so badly, I need that Lord I need child-like faith, like the faith you speak about in Mark. I am still trying to decide on whether or not to go to that divorce class that starts Wednesday night and about the new bed I have looked at I know i need a new bed but its like do I want to spend the money right now. God has supplied my needs above and beyond what I expected and I am so blessed!

Okay now I am getting my days mixed up....

Okay well I guess now today I am getting my days mixed up because its Wednesday already! Thats right I was off yesterday. This is going to be a short week. It rained today, not alot but enough to get the dust off my van and keep Matty inside :O) Its getting harder and harder for me to find clothes to fit my expanding body. My friend made a suggestion that maybe I should know what the sex of the baby is so I would be able to prepare, I dont know, I will think about it. Matty had a bad bowel day so I cant wait to try the raisin bran hopefully it will work better than the medication because the more I think about it the more I want less medications in Matty's life. I wish there was something I could do so I dont have to take medication for not having a thyroid anymore I am going to talk to the doctor about that. My co-workers loved my hair and I cannot wait to get it highlighted so then it will really be the way I want it done and complete.

I keep thinking about going to the divorce suport group but I dont know. I dont want to be hit on and I also am not healed. Its hard to heal when someone hurts you like I was hurt especially when you want to know why it was done and you ask yourself 200 times a day..what did I do wrong? Did I not give enough love? Did I not dote on his every need? Sexual inexperience? Questions like that cross my mind every single day.

I am taking this time in my life before my life gets any more hectic to just "be". God has provided over and above what I expected financially, friends, family, an awesome church. I am so blessed over and over.

New Haircut and New Baby Bump Pictures!

Okay y'all I have to share with you pics of my new haircut as well as baby bump pics..here we go with week 18! Almost halfway there! I am still not that keen on knowing the sex of the baby but those of you who do want to know let me know and when I have the u/s done I will have the girls at work send you what it is so I dont have to know....pretty clever, huh? Anyways here is the pics I am just hanging around on my day off I updated these also on my myspace as well as sent some to some friends and family. Have a blessed day! Love and miss you all, keep in touch!

Traci

My Labor Day Weekend

Okay well I wanted to enjoy my Labor Day Weekend. Okay well that didnt happen. I got home from work Friday night packed up the dog and the car and everything set off to pick up Matty from Daycare and head towards Kokomo and then onto the campground. Went to drop Matty off --- of course the witch was there -- I swear she doesnt let him do anything without her, what he sees in her is beyond me, I am glad I am 31 years old and I dont look in my 50's anyways went to drop Matty off and she of course makes comments, she cant keep her mouth shut, its all a game with her. But when she made comments about me being knocked up--okay I had to get out of there. I hugged Matty and yes I told him when I hugged him that he didnt have to listen to her because she is not his mommy I am his mommy and I left. I drove on into my friends campground--a huge thank you to my friends Bill and Janie for inviting me and Harley for the weekend. I got there just in time to play friday night bingo and thinking I was going to enjoy my weekend when my I got a text message from Michael's witch...what the hell? Her telling me that she didnt break up mine and Michael's marriage what the hell? I dont care anymore in my books she will always be a beotch and she will always be a homewrecker and her and Michael can have each other but they will never be the primary parents for my son. I am his mom. I am the one that is there for him no matter what, I am the one that makes sure he goes to bed on time every night and makes sure he is at daycare the next morning and then involved with him as much as I can. How the hell can dumbarse be a father and be in Matty's life when he is now an hour to an hour and a half away. When he was in Avon and I was here yeah he could be a part but not now. Anyways the text messages continued, I was trying to get to enjoy my weekend enjoy my bingo. Thank God for my friend Janie enough was enough for her, she called Mike on his cell and told him the messages had to stop. He of course lied through his teeth saying the messages werent coming from her phone although funny thing the caller id had her phone number on them. And even funnier thing the texts stopped when Janie called Michael. Anyways I was already shook up so I played the rest of the bingo night and went back to the campsite and went to bed.

Got up Saturday morning and my mom called me and invited me to a cookout at the house. Okay like I needed more crap in my life so I drove up there with Harley and went to the cookout. On the way up I called Jon and got him to bring Dustin up there and then to spend the night with my parents. The food and fellowship was awesome till the "have at it" session" and boy did we "have at it" so I called Jon and let him have it the whole earful my parents and my family gave me about Dustin being in Northern Indiana not being in Indy with me. I am praying for God to open an opportunity for Dustin to come back down here and go to school but in the meantime I know Dustin needs to be up there with his dad. But I also need my family's support in all of this, so I was like Jon what do we need to do. Well Jon had some ideas I love when he has ideas about all of this. We are going to buy webcams so we can be online and see each other and type on messenger and we are going to continue with the nightly devotions and Jon is promising to go back to letting Dustin see my parents twice a month realizing that we have to put the family back into all of this. He also got to stay the night with my parents Saturday night and go to the MDA Ride with his aunt and uncle the next day and his cousins and then go out to the farm with his dad and everything. The next morning when I left to go back to the campground there was no fighting, no animosity my mom and dad even hugged me goodbye which they havent done in awhile.

I headed back to the campground, back to my friends, found out that they had had an exciting night. One of the guys had gotten drunk and fell off his chair and into the fire! Ouch! He has 2nd and 3rd degree burns and they took him to the ER but Janie is an awesome nurse so he took awesome pre-care of him. We went to Sunday bingo (I didnt win anything) but for some reason apparently I must have been wearing an imaginary sign around my neck saying "unattached" because I was hit on 4 times this weekend! I MEAN What the heck 4 times!!! And these werent even guys I would have gone out with..I mean I admit I dont know who I would go out with anymore because frankly I am just not interested anymore. I have been hurt alot -- I dont even know what my type is anymore --anyways uggh. I am not a jerkmagnet!

Okay enough said on that. Sunday night was steaks and potatoes and I couldnt even eat my steak. Someday my appetite will come back I mean I am pregnant I should be eating like crazy and I am not---what the heck I think its all the stress I am under. Of course Mike had to call my phone Sunday night and ruin my evening it just had to happen--he was griping about medicine for Matty -- yes my son has a problem with his bowels and they have given him medicine to put in his juice but I am so ready to try something non-medicinal (I guess thats the new age mom in me) so hes like going off about the medicine to put in the juice being over the expiration date I of course am not making a very big deal about it, because I am going to agree with my mom on this one (yeah probably the only time her and I are going to agree) but I am ready to try raisin bran and fiber pills and not have to put meds down my son but apparently the "mommy-wife" who has had how many sick children die? is working to medicate my child--not going to happen--what is her deal anyway? She also was going off about allergy medication for my child--does she get it? MY Child, I am the one for the last 2 years has taken care of him while they have basically abandoned him and I, I know when we need to start taking the Zyrtec its not a daily thing with him, the only thing I do carry is his inhaler and we only have been using that a couple of times during the year. I am getting to be a big believer on not medicating children --- sorry "mommy-wife" to burst your bubble, unless a child needs it. Apparently she cant get that through her weed eater-blonde okay I will say its that color hair. Anyways hes like you need to call Riley and I am like nope I do not I know what my child needs. And you can just hear her go off in the background. Get over it beotch. This is MY healthy happy active little boy I was there through all the hospitalizations and follow ups and today hes almost 6 yrs old and a healthy happy active little boy that loves to ride his 2 wheeler and play and be ornery and just be Matty as I call it. We dont focus on the negative--she needs to get over it.

Okay well anyway Bill and Janie had some friends out Sunday night and had some fun and I actually enjoyed my evening although I was missing my boys (Dustin did call me about 730 to tell me about his day and the MDA Ride, he watched it with my parents and my family and then went out to Grandpa Zimmers for the rest of the day and of course had to call and tell me about all of it which I look forward to when he calls me and tells me about his day.)

I was planning on not coming home till Tuesday since I dont have to work till Wednesday and I could have some more "me time" since when the baby comes thats not going to happen much anymore, but of course Monday morning I was woken up by a phone call from the "doom and gloom" supercouple ....hahaha I like that one! Finding out when I could meet them to pick up Matty today. What part of take Matty to school on Tuesday do they not get? apparently all of it so I spent the morning with Janie and Bill and left to go pick up Matty. I was missing him big time anyway and he had been enough around them he needed his mommy, and I had had enough of the 2 of them. I was just glad getting him back. Of course he was wearing something I would not have picked out for him and daddy bought him new shoes (he has 3 pairs, enough with the shoes already!!!) and he was tired and cranky which means he didnt get his bedtime routine either, uggh but he was home back with me and amen when I left Kokomo he was back with me where he definitely belongs.

Today is my day off and I really needed to sleep in and well now I am up and blogging and Matty is off at school and let me tell you not in a good mood, tired from the weekend (go figure) so it will be an early night for him tonight I can just tell I have got to get up and get around and get some stuff done so Labor Day 2008 is over who knows where I will be in 2009 but thats the fun of it all --- each year, each holiday is a new adventure thats why I love life--yeah mine has sucked this year like big time but this blogging thing I can look back and see where I have come from and where I am going. ....of course, more later.