I dont know why but lately being a cancer survivor has meant alot more to me than it did before. Maybe its hitting the 5 year mark this year in February or maybe its because this past February the 8th I had my miracle baby my baby girl Alison or maybe its because I have found the love of my life finally someone who understands me and loves me for me. Anyways I have gotten the crazy idea of getting a tattoo to remember being a survivor. I began looking for ideas for my tattoo and decided on getting the thyroid cancer survivor ribbon on my right hip. My cousin Cori has the breast cancer ribbon in honor of her grandmother on her foot and I think it looks awesome but I figure the hip would be safer. So what do you think of this being on my hip, I am not going to use the butterfly just the ribbon, I have a butterfly on my tailbone so I think that would be overkill.

What an awesome accomplishment!

The other day I got an email from the MSGT of the unit I work for. For those of you who dont know I am a civilian contractor that works for 1st Army in the mobilization and demobilization of troops going to and from Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Bosnia, and many other places in the world. I was being honored at the Staff meeting on Wednesday. Honored for what? I seriously didnt have a clue so yesterday I went into the meeting and me and 8 other civilians and a handful of military were presented with the Indiana National Guard Commendation Medal. This award is the highest award you can receive with the Indiana National Guard. In Dec 2007 and then again in Nov 2008 I helped in the effort to mobilize and demobilize 3500 members of the 76th Brigade. In January I was honored by 1st Army for the mob and demob of the 76th.

For those of you who think you are going to remove me from my job need to get a clue. 2 awards in 3 months, I have been honored by both 1st Army and now the Indiana National Guard and we also found out yesterday that sometime in the next 2 weeks we will be honored by MEDDAC down at Ft. Knox. Plus on top of all of this I am accepting a promotion within my job. I absolutely love what I do, yeah I admit sometimes the hour drive does ware on me but I am serving my country and that to me means alot.

Creative Counterpart Chapters 1-5

I havent had any patients today so I love to use that time to read, almost 2 years ago when I was still married and my marriage was nearing the end I signed up for a class online called Creative Counterpart in a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I got the book and began reading it and never got past Chapter 3 when Michael filed for divorce and I figured there wasnt anything more for me to learn since my marriage was over. Of course I was wrong. Anyways I have been going through alot within myself the past couple of months and I knew that today was going to be a light patient day so I pickedup the book off the bookshelf and took it to work with me. When I first started to read this book, it was like the Lord opened my eyes to so much...within the 1st sentence ...bam....Proverbs 4:23--"Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it springs forth the issues of life." I took that verse and meditated on it. Our hearts are such fragile "organs" our hearts help us feel, they can be shattered or broken and we as children of God need to guard our hearts which means stay in the word, stay in prayer, stay in fellowship with other believers. It means to keep our heart pure, to make wise decisions in Him. I have recently began dating again. This time I am dating I am 31 years old and the mom to 3 kids. I have to admit its not easy. I would like to find a man who shares the same ideals that I do...I havent found alot out there. I think thats why I started reading this book...I want to get back to who I am in Christ. I know I am the kids mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend and a confidante and maybe even a girlfriend but I want to know what else I am and where else I need to be. I admit that for the past year I have had a lockdown on my heart when Michael left me I was hurt and angry and devastated and so I hid my heart. I didnt let anyone near me and because of this I hurt myself and others around me. Then I found out I was pregnant and when Ali's dad ran I locked myself down even more. It was during my pregnancy that I realized that I needed to go back to the heart of the Lord, that I needed to get into him. I have a bumper sticker on my myspace that talks about to know me you need to seek the Lord. I so want to live to that expectation. I want to keep the Lord 1st and let the rest of the "things" in my life fall into place. No I dont have a 5 year or even a 10 year plan I just live each day as it comes -- to the fullest. I have met a wonderful man whom I have let the guard around my heart down a little to but I have also learned the only person I can truly trust is the Lord. This past Sunday I took Rey to the Vineyard. I love that church and I love Chapel Rock so for the most part I have been attending both. Rey was blown away by the Vineyard and the music and the drama and the service. I prayed all through that service that he would find "the better life" with Christ in it. I dont know if he has, that is between him and God but one thing I did do and I am glad I did was ask him to come to church with me. Pastor Bricker did an awesome sermon...he started out about chocolate and how his love for chocolate has led him to sample some of the more expensive chocolates. He then led into a life with Christ being "the better life", Pastor Bricker doesnt have to convince me I know that my life with Christ is 15 times better than my life without. I have tried for years to have plans and plan this and that and well God had other ideas. Life isnt about a solid plan, Life is about giving it all to Him and letting Him fit in the pieces of the puzzle as He wills. Thats why putting Him first in your life is so important without Him the pieces of the puzzle dont fit and it leaves openings for satan to come in and seek and destroy. When we left church I was wondering what kind of impact the church made on him and I told myself not to ask...finally I couldnt take it any longer and I asked and he even wrote his paper for his class, on the church, that the church made that much of an impact on him. Monday was a good day and then Tuesday oh I knew it would happen sooner or later and Satan has attacked. I am sitting here as I am writing this praying that Satan would just leave Rey alone and I pray that Rey not forget all he has learned this past weekend. Last night when I text him he was in a weird mood and then today when I text him good morning he said we need to talk. All day long I have been in this book letting the Lord work on me. I dont know what he wants to talk about but I know that God is in control whatever it may be. Anyways okay back to the book and everything:

--A wise woman is able and qualified for her work, has command of her own spirit and is able to manage others.

--The most important thing to man (ladies listen up! Its not what you think) is for him to know that the woman he loves is on his team. If the rest of the world calls him a fool and deserts him, it is a great comfort for him to know that she'll be there beside him no matter what.

As I read this very important 1st Chapter God began to show me my faults. Yeah I know I am not perfect, isnt that a shocker :) In my marriage I wasnt on my husbands team and actually when he screwed up I was usually the first one to laugh. I know now that thats wrong.

Love is not a conditional thing. You cannot be like I love you but you need to do this and this and this...I am striving to have a love like Christ had.. He loved all people regardless of social class, race, etc and he loved people unconditionally. There was no if you do this then I cannot love you etc I love the 1st Corinthians chap 13 but it is verse 7 that really stands out the most "Love endures ALL things, its not you live your life and I will live mine, its we need to live in peace and love and unity.

2nd Corinthians 12:19--"We do all things beloved for Your edification building them up and helping them grow in Christ.

Which brings about the attitude--I will do anything my love for your benefit. I can see where this speaks to a Christian woman married to a non-Christian man. She loves that man unconditionally because the love isnt coming from her per se but its coming through her from her love of Christ.

My favorite movie I have seen in awhile is Fireproof with Kirk Cameron. Caleb played by Kirk Cameron is a married man who is self-absorbed in himself and saving for a boat and internet porn that he fails to see how much pressure he is putting on his wife Katherine. Katherine works full time and keeps up the house while Caleb takes care of himself. Well as they learn as the movie goes on you can only do that for so long and you begin to grow apart. Caleb and Katherine didnt have God in their marriage and ultimately it began to fail. I had God in my marriage or so I thought but now I am finding out in hindsight that Michael didnt have a heart for God if anything he was just like Caleb except he cheated on his wife. Caleb's father sends him this book called the "Love Dare" 40 days to enhance his marriage and find the love and connection again but as Caleb learns the more he gets into the Love Dare that he isnt going to love his wife the way that she needs to be loved, deserves to be loved without the Love of God in Him. And it isnt all Katherine's fault that their marriage is failing apart. People dont realize that if they want things to change that change has to be within ... I know after my divorce God really worked on me in changing for the better. My favorite part of the movie is when Caleb and his dad are on the trail by Caleb's house and they walk on a like outdoor church setting and Caleb's dad stands by the cross and Caleb says "dont talk to me about God" and then it hits Caleb -- God's love has been right there all along and Caleb has spat in the Lord's face and it is right then and there that Caleb needs the Lord in His life and chooses at that moment to "lay down his arms, lay down his defenses" and come to the Lord and seek Him, which ultimately leads him to love his wife even more than he ever thought possible.

I am so praying for a love like that from someone. I know that I can give that love to someone..man wasnt designed to live alone. I have tried and tried to show this, but I dont think I am getting the same response as I am giving my I dont give up I have faith and my faith is what is going to sustain me.

I have been reading alot about the Proverbs 31 woman and I am finding that she had so much love to give that it didnt stop with her family, it went on to her church, her friends, her extended family. Her true beauty comes from inner strength of character.

This book at the end of the 1st Chapter asks this one question that I swear really gets me-- Do you want to be the Proverbs 31 woman? The starting place is the same for us as it was for her -- Our relationship with the Lord. Philipians 2:12-13 states "For God is at work within you, helping you want to obey Him and then helping you do what He wants." Its 100% God and 100% Me it cant be 50% Me and 50% God, He needs all of us not just the good part of us or what we think is the better part. A relationship with God is much like a marriage relationship each partner must give 100% or the partnership will ultimately fail.

2nd Corinthians 5:17--"Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away and behold all things are new."

We need to look past the present circumstances and look at the big picture, and see all that God has done in our lives. Hebrews 13:5 states "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I am so looking forward to expounding on this later but it gives comfort to my heart that no matter what is thrown at me my faith in the Lord can continue to sustain me.

Sex in the City

I have to say that that was an awesome movie! I loved the series and I am so the "I dont want the movie to ruin the series or ruin the book..." kind of a person. So the other night after checking out and heading toward the exit there it was...a Redbox. I had never heard of Redbox till moving to Indy and the only one I knew about in my area was at McDonalds on 10th Street but there it was...a Redbox in Meijer! Where else can you rent a new release movie for 1.00 a night (1.07 with tax) and if you dont get it back the 1st night by 9pm then thats okay they just charge you another dollar. Anyways I have been getting movies from there and Saturday night I decided to rent Sex in the City. Very good movie! On Facebook awhile back there was this quiz which character are you most like and when I took the quiz it came back ..Carrie...I had to really stop and think because I thought for sure I would be like Miranda, very serious, very right to the point. I knew for sure I couldnt be Sam...and I was too laid back to be the other one (yeah I know but I am forgetting her name..uggh) because she is way too uptight. Anyways the movie was awesome! It did not ruin the series at all if anything the series enhanced the movie.

Easter 2009

Easter this year was so awesome! I had every intention of going home to mom and dads and the easter egg hunt and dinner and everything but it is weird we can have the biggest and best laid plans and God decides that something needs to change those plans. The kids (Dustin was down here in Indy for his spring break) ended up on Monday night sick with this weird flu thing..it was so weird, you would think the kids were getting better and then boom the temp spiked and it would start all over again. Thank God for my lovely man because he took his days off to stay with the kids so I could work. Friday night I took Dustin back to Kokomo and his dad picked him up. All in all besides being sick I think he had a great week. Now we are jumping into 4H and baseball...yay my little boy made the Majors!!! I cant wait to go up there this summer and see some of his games. Anyways Matty was still sick Friday so he didnt get to go to his dads because God forbid he take care of his sick son ...so I didnt go north, no sense spreading it to everyone up there. I was heartbroken. I had never ever not been home for Easter, Easter is like my favorite holiday because its spring and there is so much from all the newness of spring to Christ's Resurrection and I love hearing all the hymns like "Christ the Lord has Risen Today" and so many others. Its about the only time of the year that I do love hymns. Anyways I was stuck home so my wonderful man, whom I love with all my heart decided we needed to go to church on Sunday so we did. Now mind you Rey hasnt been to church in years but the way that service spoke to him was awesome! Before we went to church my friend Melissa called me and told me she found God that morning which was just so awesome -- I so love it when my friends whom I have been praying for for years find peace and happiness in the Lord and realize that its not all about themselves. I have this list in my head of people who may or may not know about the Lord but so need to have the Lord in their lives and this weekend 2 of the most important people in my life were led to the Lord. I would like to think I had a part in it but its all about Him.

Anyways church was awesome! We went to the Vineyard and the music, the drama, and the message were so captivating, the Holy Spirit was so moving in that Worship Center that morning. Thank you Lord for giving me peace and joy and contentment and when it seemed that there wasnt anyone out there for me, thank you Lord for the awesome man you put into my life.

We came home from church and I took my stab at making Easter Dinner, it was delicious if I do say so myself. Baked Ham with Brown Sugar and Cloves Glaze, Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Crescent Rolls, and Brownies and Ice Cream for dessert. Thank you God for taking away the void of missing my family and instead filling it with the love and memories that I will have forever spending it with Rey and Matty and Ali.

Can I please just shoot the dog?

Okay I seriously dont get it maybe its something with the weather or something heck I dont know but I am so seriously about ready to shoot my dog!!! Miss Harley as I call her is a 2 yr old Lab Mix that I was forced to take right after I moved into my townhouse in 2008. All I can say is that dog..uggh she makes me so mad! Her newest habit is to chew stuff up and it doesnt matter what, yesterday she chewed up an army guy, several matchbox cars, and some packets of baby formula. Then even though she has gone outside and gone number one and number two and I have seen her do it, she is for some reason leaving me "presents" in the house....uggh....I just want to scream. She has even gone into the pantry and chewed up a box of bisquick, nothing phases her. I thought we were past the puppy phase. She cannot be left in the house alone and not in her cage otherwise she goes on a chewing spree or a pooping spree...it just gets very frustrating. There are days when I wish I could go up to my ex husband and say here take her back. Of course him, he doesnt care he got the dog he wanted, I would have like to have had a puggle or even a pug heck I even looked at a dauschaund ..you know little dogs but no..I have Harley. If anyone has any advice what to do with her before I pull all my hair out because of her antics please let me know!

Friends are Awesome!

This past weekend was awesome! Me and the kids went up to mom and dad's to see everyone and go to my cousin's wedding shower. On saturday night me and the kids went down to Bremen to see everyone. It is amazing how much everyone has grown and even though we dont live there anymore it is amazing how awesome it is for us to keep in touch! We had a great time with our friends (and Chrissy yeah the drinks were so good but they do contain alcohol and we can get drunk from those..but I cannot wait to get the ones I ordered...I cant wait till I can spend summer nights sitting on my patio enjoying the evenings...) I think it is so cool that even with all the "crap" of the last 2 years that my friends have remained my friends. I gotta admit I love Facebook, what an awesome way to connect and keep in touch! I dont think a day has gone by that I havent gotten the chance to connect with someone from my past whether it be youth group, 4H, or someone I went to school with. I admit the last few years I have been through alot of crap (for lack of a better word) but I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have met an awesome man who loves me and loves my kids and my kids think the world of him. This past weekend when I went to leave to go up north my van broke down and so he let me, so I wouldnt ruin any of my plans use his Jeep Cherokee which was so nice of him. Its so nice to have someone to tell good morning to when you wake up and good night to when you go to sleep each night and I am learning with this that its not about sex its about a foundation. Its about spending time together and laughing and sharing and communicating together. My marriage wasnt like that, it was based on sex, because certain people think that you have to have sex to show love and that thank goodness I am finding out is so not the case. Sex is a small part of the relationship but you dont have to have it. Too many people are into the lets meet and jump into bed attitude but in my opinion that ruins alot of things. Since I have met Rey he has shown me how a woman is supposed to be treated which is so awesome and hes more interested in knowing me and the kids than jumping down my pants so to speak. I have to admit I have never known a guy like this which has been so awesome! And that he adores my kiddos is a big plus as well. I feel so fulfilled, I have my friends and family that love me and Rey in my life, an awesome job, and my faith which continues to sustain me.