My life as a Superwoman

2009-11-14T13:42:00.000-08:00

"Family" October 2009...not blood related well all of us anyway but related by love!

Life has been awesome!

2009-11-14T11:11:00.000-08:00

Hello all! I know I am not on here as much as I have been in the past. Life is busy! Alison continues to grow and grow...We have gone 2 days without a bottle (no I am not starving her..lol) we have just transferred to a sippy cup since she now has 2 chompers on the bottom (her little weapons is what I call them) she has decided to chew the nipples on her bottles so I thought what a great idea and time to start her on the sippy! Yeah I know great mom skills..lol....She loves to play patty cake and I cant believe she is 9 months old now!

Dustin got all B's on his report card (big yay!) If he keeps this up he will be headed for student of the month at his school. His tuba playing is going well also and he had his 1st concert last week and I think I have some pictures that I will post on here soon as I get them published off my camera.

Matt continues in 1st grade. He is having some issues but we are working with him and he is getting better! Its amazing how having stability in his life is changing him. I cannot believe he is 7 years old now. I am seriously going to have to post some pics of him and the kids (they are already on my facebook)

As for me, I cant complain. Life is awesome. My divorce has taught me how to be a stronger more confident woman. It also allowed me to love again and I do love Rey with all my heart. I actually enjoy spending time with him...Halloween weekend we went back home with the kids and we had such an awesome time just kicking back with my family plus thanks to my ambitious sisters who took the kids trick or treating Rey and I got to spend the evening together..something that doesnt happen very often...that was the bomb for me. I am starting to enjoy shopping and makeup and getting my nails done...kind of sprucing up the outside package to match the inside. Its so funny..I see these beautiful women but in actuality they have very ugly insides and so they dont seem as beautiful. An example would be the show "Ugly Betty"....I admit the glasses and everything the outside isnt that pretty but her heart she just has this amazing heart that when she walks in she lights up a room...Its just like us we can spend hundreds of dollars on makeup and clothes and everything but if we have an ugly heart then it isnt going to matter.

God is a God of 2nd chances. I know I went through all the hell I went through because God had something better for me in the end...God had Rey a man who knows how to treat me like a woman and honor and love me and cherish me. I didnt understand how awesome 1st Corinthians 13 was until now. This love is awesome, its this true love...no wonder he makes my heart skip a beat when he walks in the door at night. I have never had love like this. In my marriage my exhusband was all about himself even now with his life its all about him. REALITY CHECK! Life doesnt work that way...no matter how much you think you are in control, no matter how manipulative you become to get what you want you will never get to your "mountaintop experience". The sad thing is that some people never learn that and its so sad when they come to the end of their lives and realize how many doors could have been opened how many opportunities could have been given if they had just taken their eyes off of them and put them onto God and others. I realized it thank God before it was too late and now I am enjoying my "mountaintop experience." For the first time in my life I am in love with the love of my life who calls me his "superwoman" I so love that. Loving him has made me want to be the best mom, girlfriend, sister, daughter,friend, and niece I can be. I took control with God's help and got rid of the drama and chaos in my life. Its so nice to be able to come home at night and make dinner and help with homework and keep up the house and the finances and take care of my family...yes ladies I dont stay home...I work full time and lately even more than full time. Yeah go ahead and bash me but this is my blog so I will say what I want to say and if you cant take it then you dont have to read it. I have survived cancer, divorce, reposession, and forclosure and I have done it and still managed to have a job and keep my family stable. I dont buy this garbage that a woman's job is to keep her home and family and she isnt to work outside the home..that to me is a line of bull. I hear so many women gripe because they have no money and they are struggling and here is the husband/father working 2 jobs and not taking care of himself or his health and worrying about his family 24/7, sorry ladies but you need to be out there too. blah blah blah the welfare system would be alot less crowded if they made women get out there and work..I know of someone who's husband worked 60 hrs a week at one job and 40 hrs at another so he could support his wife and 3 kids. One day a freak accident happened and he died leaving his widow with 3 kids and massive bills and boo hoo she had no skills so she couldnt work...she couldnt get any government assistance because with the kids social security she made too much...did she give up..nope she pulled up her bootstraps and got a job at McDonalds and went to school and now is a nurse and is remarried but working. Women need to be able to make a living for themselves and not depend on a man. After my divorce I could have wallowed, etc but I didnt I dove into my job dove into my family, found a church, joined divorcecare, got proactive with my life and getting proactive thanks to my awesome son allowed me to meet Rey and even now I dont live on him. He pays his bills and I pay mine but it is nice for the 1st time in my life to be saving money and getting to splurge once in awhile...it has put this awesome inner peace within me. And also by having that inner peace within me has helped me to give even more to others. And the doors Christ has opened are truly awesome!

Keeping up!!!

2009-10-28T17:45:00.000-07:00

Okay ladies and gentlemen between work and school and keeping up with the antics of a 7 year old and 8 month old and 11 year old life around here has been pretty hectic!!! We are all settled in here (house should be coming around late spring) so for now its close quarters but we are getting through it. Matty got his 1st report card last week not the greatest needs improvement but we can work on that!!! Dustin is doing well in 6th grade and its funny because he is playing the tuba and the band teacher says he is a natural. Should be getting his report card soon but I bet it will be good like always.

Ali is all over the place now. She sits and crawls and has begun to not listen to me or Rey. She is a stubborn thing and into eveything. I have forgot what its like having a little one in the house but Alison is giving me a refresher course.

Matty is now a 1st Grader!

2009-08-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

Yes today in the city of Indianapolis is the 1st day of school. Last night Matty was not excited as he had to go to bed early, and he even tried to get in bed with me he was so scared. This morning he put on his polo and khaki's and new tennis shoes and combed his black hair, and crabbed about tucking in his shirt (Rey explained to him that he has to do it and so he can and grabbed his fully packed backpack with his lunch money and headed to the van where mommy or Rey depending on who gets moving first will take him to the Y program and will pick him up in the afternoons. I cannot believe my Matty is a 1st grader, it seems like just yesterday we were walking through the doors of school onto the 1st day of kindergarten. There are pictures on my facebook and myspace of Matt ready to head out the door. Actually I cannot believe that in less than a month he will be 7 years old. Where does the time go?

I have come to find out....

2009-08-07T05:37:00.000-07:00

That there are people reading my blog..lol....someone from a debate group used one of my posts as a dig to me the other day..yeah whatever! I am proud of who I am where I have come from and certainly where my life is going! Last Saturday night Vineyard CC did their whole service as a service of worship...the music the candlelight, the communion was so awesome! I am glad I am back home on the South Side of Indy where I belong! Not to say I didnt love the west side and the over 1 yr I spent up there and the people I met and Chapel Rock and Divorce Care--which really helped me heal and get over my divorce and helped heal the hurt and allowed my heart to learn to love again, but the South Side is home! I cant believe the way everything is falling into place with the childcare and the car insurance and just everything altogether God is so awesome! I have had a bad week, but today is Friday and Sunday is my birthday I will be 32 years old. I had some time to myself this week and so I was doing some thinking about how far I have come and this point right now in my life is my true "mountain top experience." Its like everything I have been waiting and praying for for so long is finally happening, the pieces are just falling into place. I have met the love of my life and we enjoy each other and enjoy the kids and thats something I never thought I would allow my heart to love again or to trust or to share and God is a God of 2nd chances. I have 3 of the most awesome kids! I cannot believe how far we have come with the discipline, it has so made life easier to remain consistent with the discipline, also I cannot believe how mature Dustin, my little baby has become. He is going to be in 6th grade this fall. Matty will be in 1st, he has come so far as well. He used to be very selfish, very demanding, very challenging, and its like the stubborness and the disobedience is gone...last night I took the van to the car wash and he wanted to sweep out the van, I didnt know he knew how to do that and so he did. He did an awesome job, he is getting so much better at listening to directions and helping when needed...so yay me and to mom and dad and aunt kris and aunt kelly a pat on our backs for working with him..to see the change in him is awesome! And then there is Alison, my little Ali, my princess and Rey's princess...It has been amazing to see her grow up I cant believe she will be six months old tomorrow! She is just the most happy, bubbly baby who is so easygoing and calm I cannot believe how easygoing and calm she is. My life in the last 3 years has come from anger and frustration and bitterness to joy, peace, happiness, and love..its amazing that every day I see God working in different things, the small things and I never used to notice that before. So go ahead throw your digs, I know who I am and where I am going and so far it has been an awesome "mountain top experience."

Life just keeps getting busier and busier!

2009-08-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

Life just keeps getting busier and busier! I cannot believe its August already! Matty came home from an extended stay with nana and papa last Thursday, thanks to Chris and Dean for bringing him down here since they had to go to Amy's appointment at Riley, so it was perfect them bringing him down, its so nice to know that I have friends still up north despite everything that has happened. My family isnt by blood its by friendship, I think I need to make a sampler for the wall with that on it.

I am officially moved in down south. That said my drive this morning was 22 miles way different from the over 100 miles I was traveling to go from south to west and then back down south twice a day. It was so nice to get up at 6am rather than 445 and then not have to rush around and I still made it into the building at 730--so go me! I will be out of my apartment by August 31st, its weird having all my stuff in storage, but its so cool knowing that I am closing a chapter in my life and opening up a new one with a man who treats me and my kids like totally awesome.

As for the house thing its still in the works! I keep telling Rey that God has a plan for all of this, I am slowly getting him to understand where my faith is. This past Saturday night we went to church and he participated in communion and prayer time. Slowly but surely we are making progress, God is opening his eyes and even with the cluster headaches we are moving forward in so many things.

Well gotta jet, busy,busy summer, prayers are always welcome!

2009-07-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy around here. Besides working 7 to 9 days at a time, we have been busy house hunting. Last week we went and looked at like 8 of them. I learned something in all of the house hunting...dont believe what you read about the houses or even the internet...go out and look at them. One house listed MINOR cosmetic damage. ..hello I dont think a skylight leaking causing water damage is minor, and then going down to the basement and seeing the ceiling hanging there is minor either. Another house we looked at emphasized it was family friendly... which it was not. First of all there was NO backyard and then the inside looked like it was straight out of the 50's including the very small rooms of the 50's. Beds were smaller back then, then they are now..this is definitely not the era of Ricky and Lucy I like my queen size bed and I like snuggling up with my honey at night. I could definitely not do the 2 twin beds in a room thing. Then with this house there was the garage. It was HUGE! Perfect for Rey and working on his cars but thats all there was to this house. So family friendly well if you plan on not seeing your honey for days at a time, then it was perfect..lol...

I found the house of my dreams. 4 bedrooms 2 1/2 baths pool, patio, garage, sandbox, deck it just had everything I was looking for. And then as I walked into the kitchen there on the radio under the counter..our song was playin..THEN by Brad Paisley. I was like eureka I found my house! We are going to look at a couple others but still at this moment its our top pick. As we walked through the house I could just imagine me and Rey and the kids living there. I have never had the opportunity to own a house and I cant wait. I see all these home improvement shows and I cant wait to dive into a house and make it our home, a reflection of our lives.

Its so funny its like all the pieces are there, now we just have to figure out how they will fit. Uggh I hate that part. I hate growing and changing. I wish there was a way we could just "be" or as my 11 year old says, just "chill". But God doesnt want us to chill, He wants us to grow and develop in Him. He is the vine, we are the branches.

Its 4-H fair time!

2009-07-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gents its that time of year again..time for the St. Joseph County 4H fair! Its a little early this year, usually its in the last week of July- to the 1st week in August but because of the extension of the Indiana State Fair we had to move the fair to the weekend of the 4th-11th of July.

This is what Dustin got so far on his projects. He still has to show his guinea pig and his rabbits ...

Cats-- honors on his kitten and a blue on his female longhaired cat (callie)
Microwave Foods-- a blue on his Pumpkin carrot muffins
Consumer Dairy Foods--a champion on his butter cake (I admit it was very tasty..lol)
Foods-- a blue on his butterscotch cake (again, very tasty!)
Collections--an honors
Cat Notebook-- a champion on his book for Callie and a blue on his book for the kitten
Guinea Pig--Reserve Division Champion on the notebook, hasnt shown the guinea pig till wednesday of this coming week

Dustin is doing an outstanding job in his 4H career. Sometimes I wish his dad would get his head out of his butt and see that. He is missing out on so much and doesnt even care.

I got the chance to go up to fair on Thurs morning and stay till Saturday afternoon. Rey came up Saturday morning so I could leave my van with mom and dad to drive since I now have a new van. Rey and I bought me a 2003 Pontiac Montana and I love it, so we decided that since I didnt need my van anymore (it has 207,000 miles on it) that it would be perfect for mom and dad to drive, so I took it up there to "retire it" and then of course that meant that Rey would have to pick me up and bring me back to Indy, so Saturday morning he showed up at mom and dads and we all decided to go to fair for lunch and to ride a couple of rides. Kelly brought her friend Mark and his 4 year old daughter Ellie and so it was like this new generation of the Kukla Family. Mom and dad seemed so proud seeing Kelly with Mark and me with Rey. Now if Kris could get her life straightened out then it would be all good but who knows when that is going to happen. Anyways we all enjoyed lunch at the Coalbush UMC Pavillion and then went and looked at Dustin's exhibits in the exhibit building and then the kids got to go on 2 rides (my sister emphasized it like the late Billy Mays, she so sounded like an infomercial...lol)

2009-06-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was Relay for Life held at Centennial Park in Plymouth, IN. I got the chance this year to be on my friend Penny's team affectionately called "Friends 4 Life" these ladies, well most of them have been my friends for years when I was up north I bowled with most of them. Anyways it was an honor to be up there as a survivor surrounded by family and friends and I have some awesome pictures which I will post later as soon as I figure how to work the darn camera and get the picture card to load on my POS computer.

The walk was from 6pm Saturday - 6 pm Sunday. This years goal was 60,000.00 and when we left (not all the money was accounted for) they had reached 51,000.00 so I am pretty sure they will make their goal and then some. Besides walking on the track each campsite sells something, or some of them have raffles. One booth made Elephant Ears for their fundraiser. Our campsite sold gatorade and freezie pops and baked goods. They also had a bubble lap where you walked the track for one lap blowing bubbles and a flag lap where you walked 1 lap waving an american flag. Our team especially loved the events in addition to the walk. We had a Mr. Relay where a man dresses up as a woman for money, our Mr. Relay was an older "woman" when I get the pix posted then you can see what I was talking about. This is also the 1st year I have done this walk that I did not fall asleep and stayed up the whole night (I was exhausted the next morning) I never thought at 2am I would be doing the train all around the track and at 230 the macarena and the chicken, but I was.

Its funny but that walk was very special to me. There is a sense of pride in being a survivor and its very touching. I cannot wait till next year to do it all over again!

Day 4-- Made to Last forever-- Purpose Driven Life

2009-06-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

Okay well I am heading onto Day 4. I have been doing alot of thinking on Day 3 and the whole what drives you thing so I delayed doing Day 4 till now.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-- "God has...planted eternity in the human heart."

"Surely God would not have created such a being as man to exist for only a day! No, No man was made for immortality." Abraham Lincoln

This life is not all there is. Life on Earth is just the dress rehearsal before the real production.

"The closer you live to God, the smaller everything appears."

Measured against eternity our time on Earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever. The deeds of this life are the destiny of the next.

2009-06-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

Wow thats about how I feel...I took Alison to the pool for the first time (you can see pics of her in her swimsuit in the previous posting), and she enjoyed it. She loved putting her legs in the water and splashing a little with her hand, it was like the water had a calming effect on her because when we got back from the pool it was all I could do to get her diaper changed and her thumb went in her mouth and she was out. I couldnt resist snapping this picture, isnt she adorable?

2009-06-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Part 2....A Picture is worth a thousand words....Summer 2009

What drives your life-- Day 3 Purpose-Driven Life

2009-06-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 4:4--"I observed that the basic motive for success is the driving force of envy and jealousy!"

"The man without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder- a waif, a nothing, a no man." Thomas Carlyle

Everyones life is driven by something. What is the driving force in your life? There are hundreds of circumstances, values, and emotions that can drive your life. There are 5 common ones:

1) Many people are driven by guilt. Guilt are manipulated by memories. They allow the past to control their future. They punish themselves by sabotaging their own success. Lots of people let that allow them to wander through life without a purpose. We are products of our past but we dont have to be prisoners of it. God's purpose is not limited by our pasts. God specializes in giving people a fresh start.

2) Many people are driven by resentment and anger. They hold onto hurts and never get over them. Some resentment driven people "clam-up" and internalize their anger while others "blow-up" and explode it onto others.

Those who have hurt you in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold onto the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. For your own sake learn from it and let it go!

3) Many people are driven by fear. Fear-driven people often miss out on great opportunities because they're afraid to venture out. Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo. Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be.

4) Many people are driven by materialism. Their desire to acquire becomes the whole goal of their lives. This drive to always want more is based on the misconception that having more will make me happy. Posessions only provide temporary happiness. Self worth and net worth are not the same. God says the most valuable things in life are not things! Real security can only be found in that which can never be taken from you--your relationship with God!

5) Many people are driven by the need for approval. They allow the expectations of parents or spouses or children or teachers or friends to control their lives. some are driven by peer pressure always worried by what others might think.

*One key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Being controlled by the opinions of others is a guaranteed way to miss God's purposes for your life.

*Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life
*Knowing your purpose simplifies your life
*Knowing your purpose focuses your life
*Knowing your purpose motivates your life
*Knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity

Isaiah 26:3--"You Lord give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you."

Question to consider: What would my friends and family say is the driving force in my life? What do I want it to be?

I found a song that sums up my life at this moment

2009-06-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

I love music, most of my friends and family know I love a song because of the lyrics. I found a song last night sung by Brad Paisley that kinda sums up everything for me...

Its called "Then" the lyrics really get me...

"Then"

I remember, trying not to stare the night that I first met you.

You had me memorized

And three weeks later, in the front porch light

taking 45 minutes to kiss goodnight

I hadnt told you yet but I thought I loved you then.

Chorus

And now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world

I just cant believe the way I feel about you girl

Like a river meets the sea

Stronger than its ever been

We've come so far since that day and I thought I loved you, then.

And I remember, taking you right back to where I first met you,

You were so surprised

There were people around, but I didnt care

Got down on one knee right there once again,

I thought I loved you then

Chorus

And now you're my whole life

Now you're my whole world

I just cant believe the way I feel about you, girl

Like a river meets the sea

stronger than its ever been

We've come so far since that day

And I thought I loved you then

I could just see you with a baby on the way

And I could just see you, when your hair is turning gray

What I cant see is how I am ever gonna love you more

But I've said that before

And now you're my whole life

now you're my whole world

I just can't believe the way I feel about you, girl

We'll look back someday, at this moment we're in

And I'll look at you and say

And I thought I loved you then

That song just melts my heart and sums up exactly how I feel at this moment in my life. Isnt it awesome when a song can do that? Have a wonderful day I know I will.

Purpose-Driven Life Day 2-- You are not an Accident

2009-06-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 44:2--" I am your Creator, You were in my care even before you were born."

"God doesnt play dice" Albert Einstein

You were not an accident. Your birth was no mistake or mishap. Your life is not a fluke of nature no matter how much you have been through and think it is. Your parents may not have planned you but God did. God thought of us first, not our parents.

Psalm 138:8--"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me."

Psalm 139:15--"You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body, you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something."

Psalm 139:16--"You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in Your book!"

While there are illigitimate parents there are no illigitimate children. No child is unplanned by God. God has a reason for everything He does.

Ephesians 1:4--"Long before he laid down the Earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love.

James 1:18--"God decided to give us life through the word of truth so we might be important of all things He made."

God is not haphazard, He planned everything with great precision.

Isaiah 45:18--"God formed the Earth...He did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited."

God is a God of love. This kind of love is difficult to fathom but its fundamentally reliable. God made us so He could love us. This is a truth to build our lives on! Love is the essence of God's character, there is perfect love in the fellowship of the trinity so God didnt Need to create us. He wanted to create us.

Isaiah 46:3-4--"I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you since birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you.

Purpose Driven Life--Day 1

2009-06-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

Okay i started this journey on Friday, unfortunately here it is Sunday and I am posting...so bear with me....The 1st words in this chapter really hit me....ITS NOT ABOUT YOU....wow..The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment. It is reinterated to me by Colossians 1:16--"For everything, absolutely everything above and below, visible and invisible, everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in HIM. I dont think it can get any more cut and dried than that. I used to think Life was all about being happy and just taking the lumps that it throws at you (kind of like when a baby throws oatmeal..) I used to think after my divorce, why Lord but just in this 1st chapter I have learned its not about me, its about Him and how He can take the lumps from the "oatmeal' I have been thrown and use them for His glory.

I have so many friends who are missing the diffinitive "point". Job 12:10 says "It is God who directs the lives of His creatures everyone's life is in His power." Contrary to what many books and self-help gurus say you arent going to find permanent happiness within yourself. You can find temporary but thats just it, its temporary, i think thats why there are so many divorces and suicides in this country..People think that they have to have that special "someone" in their life. I used to think this to, but once I put that notion aside and put the focus on the Lord and my kids and my job and my friends and family this inner peace welled up inside of me. For the last year since the divorce, I found my inner peace through my walk with the Lord. I learned to live and be happy with what the Lord blessed me with. And then when God blessed me with Horacio I was ready, there are so many different things about Horacio, that are so different than my marriage. Its like I am "stepping out of my box so to speak." getting past the "comfort zone" there is a phrase that keeps coming back to me as I write this .."You were made by God and for God-and until you understand that, life will never make sense." I know so many people who want to "get ahead" in life, and will stop at nothing (even hurting family and dear friends) to accomplish this, but they are so missing the point. Yeah its great to have that list of dreams and goals and strive to accomplish them, but its so hard when God has other plans because you didnt allow for God to work in those goals and dreams. What I am saying is this we can make the best laid plans in the whole world but if we dont let God in on those plans then they wont go as we planned...ever....

That being said God has not left us in the dark to wonder and guess. He has revealed His purposes for us through the bible. "God's wisdom goes deep into the interior of His purposes, Its not the latest message, but more like the oldest--what God determined as the way to bring out the best in us." 1st Corint. 2:7..

God is not the starting point of your life; He is the source of it. To discover your purpose in life you must turn to the word of God. You must build your life on the eternal truths not some pop psychology, success-motivation, or inspirational stories, like my pastor told me, the cold-hard facts. Ephesians 1:11 sums it all up-- "Its in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of overallpurpose He is working out in everything and everyone.

The verse gives 3 insights into your purpose:

1. You discover your identity and purpose through a relationship with Jesus Christ

2. God was thinking about you long before you ever thought about Him. His purpose for your life predates your conception. He planned it before you existed without your input! You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life but you dont get to choose your purpose.

3. The purpose of your life fits into a much larger cosmic purpose that God has designed for eternity.

Without God, life makes no sense. You may have felt in the dark about your purpose in life. Congratulations, you're about to walk into that light.

Purpose-Driven Life Intro

2009-06-12T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling for the last few months with alot of things within me. My walk with the Lord has been struggling, and I have lost focus. I love Horacio and I thank God for everyday that we have together and that love is growing which scares me. On the 21st of June I will be walking in Relay for Life, as a survivor for me that is an awesome accomplishment because 5 years ago they didnt know what was going to happen. God knew. Over a year ago I went through a very upsetting divorce. I thought back in 2001 I had married the love of my life. Little did I know he didnt feel the same way about me. But my divorce allowed me to meet the Love of my life and I am enjoying building a life with Horacio and Dustin and Matty and Ali my little princess. I never knew love could feel like this, so awesome, so encompassing (for lack of a better word). This love I have found in Rey and my kids and my walk with the Lord is the kind of love Paul talks about in 1st Corinthians 13 it is truly an awe-inspiring love.

That awesome love brings alot of questions, alot of what ifs, and alot of doubt and uncertainty. With this love and my life going forward since the divorce I have also had to overcome one of the toughest battles in my life with depression. Before Rey I had given up on meeting anyone. 3 kids, 3 different dads I didnt need any more heartache, I put my focus on God and my kids. And then Rey crossed my path and alot of that changed. This past week we have actually been talking about the "next step" which has me more scared than ever, but this is also where I need to work on my faith, God has a plan. As I was working on the bookshelf downstairs I came across the "purpose-Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I havent read this book since 2005 so as I flip open the cover I see the introduction right on the cover..."you are not an accident. Even before the universe was created, God had you in mind, and He planned you for His purposes. These purposes will extend far beyond the few years you will spend on Earth. You were made to last forever!" As I read that just that little blip alot of things come to mind--Why God, why have I gone through divorce and cancer and reposession and forclosure and everything? Where is your glory in that? As I ask those questions I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to help and not hurt you, plans to give you hope and a purpose." That is so hard for me to digest. Why Lord am I struggling to make ends meet? Why am I so angry at my ex husband because he robbed me of everything I loved? Why dont I get luxuries in life..so many questions and then I remember "Be Still, and know that I am God." Be still? How can I be still Lord when everything is so unsettled? and then I read on, still on the cover of this book--"This book will help you understand why you are alive and God's amazing plan for you-both here and now and for eternity. Rick Warren will guide you through a personal 40 day spiritual journeythat will transform your answer to the question: What on Earth am I here for?" "knowing God's purpose for creating you will in turn reduce your stress, focus your energy, simplify your decisions, give meaning to your lifeand most important prepare you for eternity." Okay God let me strap on my backpack and lets go..I invite you to join me in this journey this spiritual 40 day journey to find myself in the Lord again. To not lose focus and to keep it all in Him. As I get ready for this journey, not that I am going anywhere physically but I am spiritually I am reminded of the Steven Curtis Chapman--"Great Adventure" it begins: "Saddle up your horses..we have a trail to blaze..." I do I am headed out, come and join me, everyone can use a good spiritual awakening....

2009-06-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

Summer 2009, a picture is worth a thousand words....

Kids Free Vacation!

2009-06-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Finally the day arrived! Kids free vacation! This is going to be great or so I thought it was! I should have known there were going to be issues when I had to borrow money from Rey to pay the bills for the month (thanks alot to xh and his not following through when it comes to child support!) Thursday night after work I drove up to mom and dads and went to the end of dads softball game (this was also my chance to show Ali off to all mom and dads softball friends who hadnt seen her yet!) Friday morning I drove Ali over to stay with my friend Penny and then headed back to Indy. Got back to Indy like 12 pm on Friday and took my time clearing up some things before I met Rey at like 3pm. We went to the pool and took a nap and then I made some awesome scrambled eggs with chicken that was marinated in Red Pepper Vinigrette--delicious! Had a pretty uneventful evening except Rey was in a real mood. We went up to the airport and met Rey's dad's plane (he was coming home from Nicaragua) and we took them home to Lafayette. Drove back to Indy, got there like 2am and went to sleep! Saturday morning we got up..let the fighting begin! it just lasted like all day, we went for dinner to Lafayette to his dads house and then on the way home it was like someone opened the pressure cooker..bam!!! the jeep overheated and we were fighting it was just an awful ride home! saturday night was spent talking things out--thats what I love about him the most when we argue we sit down and talk things out and we went to bed that night not mad at each other anymore. Sunday we enjoyed breakfast and then went to Olive Garden for lunch and then Sunday night went to the casino in Shelbyville and had alot of fun! Monday I was so sick and so I spent alot of time laying in bed, I am so blessed to have someone who wants to be with me and doesnt make excuses. There was one thing that happened this weekend that I didnt mention-- saturday afternoon we stopped at Advance where they were having a cookout and had a sausage. After that we left and rey was like are you thirsty? Without me even saying yes he pulled into the next gas station and didnt ask me what I wanted and came out with a fountain pepsi (my favorite) I was in shock. What did I do to deserve a man to be this good to me. When I told my friend Gena about this and how shocked I was she text me this back: "is he aware of that dollar pepsi meaning more to you right now than any diamond he could purchase? the little things if only they realized..lol" she was so right and I am so lucky to have FINALLY met the love of my life! Besides aunt flow visiting it was an awesome weekend all around!

Hot Time Summer in the City!

2009-06-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

Alright! Bring on the heat! June in Indiana is hot! Yesterday was 88 degrees today is 89! I dropped Matty off at his dads on Sunday, I am going to miss my little man, oh golly my house is quiet now like big time! Rey even commented how different it was not having Matty coming and bugging us every 5 minutes and baby girl Ali well lets just say she is in bed by 9pm which gives Rey and I time to connect before we head to sleep.

3 days from now I am heading on my first free kid vacation in 9 years! I am so excited and I admit a little nervous. I am going to be giving my baby to my family up north for the week (next week) and it will just be Rey and I. Not sure what all we are doing, I know a trip to Kings Island is planned (this time I will wear sunscreen I promise) but this will be like a make or break thing with Rey. I have to admit I love him, I have never felt this way about anyone before. The way we laugh and joke together is awesome. He is becoming my best friend (no Gena and Melissa and Janie you will always be my best friends also, I couldnt get through life without all of you...) heck without all of my friends for that matter. Uggh well I want to add more but I have reports to do so more later..peace out y'all!

I dont know how to title this...

2009-05-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

I cant believe I dont know how to title this. First of all the 500 was awesome! I wish Rey would have enjoyed it more but he went and so now in 2 weeks I will be riding roller coasters at Kings Island, something I am dreading but oh well. We even had 2 crashes right in front of us! I actually think he would like the Brickyard better, more rubbin, more dirt than Indy car but we went and had a super time.

Saturday before the 500 we took Matty to Kokomo and I talked Rey into driving to Potato Creek where some of my friends were camping so they could meet him. We had a good afternoon with Penny and Terry and yeah Chris and Dean we just missed you but its all good.

On Tuesday Rey became a US citizen! It was so awesome and I am so psyched that I got to be there to see him take his oath! We celebrated with lunch at Hard Rock Cafe, they have the best chocolate shakes! I am so glad I was a part of his special day. He told me later that when he was up there taking his oath he felt like I was standing there right with him. I love that man, love him for so much and I am so happy to have him in my life.

This morning I got the news that my Aunt Barbara had died. Aunt Barbara was awesome. She fought cancer for 20+ years. I know it started in her breasts and she had a double masectomy and then it spread all over her body, but she never gave up the fight, until this morning. I am so glad she got to see her granddaughter get married on May 2nd and she could be there for the wedding and some of the reception. Aunt Barbara was the inspiration for me to fight my cancer and deal with it all. I am so blessed to have had her in my life.

I didnt know how to title this but I guess roller coaster would be appropriate because of all the ups and downs.

Bring on the weekend!!!

2009-05-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend, a weekend where we remember our fallen soldiers who died for our freedom. It is also the 1st weekend of the official summer so its also a big party! For the first time in 10 years I am not going to have any kids for this long weekend, and I am going to enjoy it! The pool is going to open, we have the 500 here in Indy and for the first time I get to go (thanks to an awesome man who has some awesome connections!) and the seats are awesome! I cant wait! I love this time of year, there is so much to do! The weather is awesome, its great to be able to go outside and go walking, go camping, swimming, biking, hiking. I am even going to try and talk Rey into a canoe trip in July down Sugar Creek. Then we have the 4h fair I can almost taste those elephant ears! So bring on summer, bring on the heat and get out there and enjoy it, I know I am going to!!

Well..Matty had the 1st casualty of summer..and its not even summer yet!

2009-05-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

Well its what 1 week left till school is out and of course here we go bring on the scrapes and bumps and bruises and by the picture you can see that Matty has Christened the summer so to speak. Yesterday he was riding his bike and went to stop and next thing I know he was flying over the handlebars of his bike and hitting the pavement--ouch! I love my son with all my heart but apparently he inherited my sense of grace haha.

I dont think my week can get any worse!

2009-05-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay I am at it...my wits end! I dont think my week can get any worse..OMG!!! Yeah maybe thats a bad word but oh well I am so there! Tuesday and Wednesday I was sick and stayed home from work on Wednesday. Came back in on Thursday morning and was like Holy Cow! Basically all my work that no one seemed to do was piled on my desk...uggh....remind me again when I am laying there dying to not take a sick day it just compounds things! Okay well that was work we will leave the rest of that alone..just know its been a bad week and I am so needing alcohol and sex I am even past the Ben and Jerry's OMG!!!

My son, the 6 yr old is quite the challenge. Lord knows I love him with all my heart but he is the most strong willed stubborn child, Hey mom was I ever like that? Haha I cant wait for her to give me an answer..anyways I am in the process of trying to lose 15 lbs so I can fit in my summer wardrobe. I have this one box of cookies and I announced to Rey and to him the other night that this box of cookies were MINE--not Matty's mind you, but MINE and I was restricting myself to eating 1 cookie a day after I excercised, you know like a reward thing.. Anyways last night I came home and had to go up and change Ali's diaper and when I came down to start supper there was Matty with chocolate all over his face and an empty package of cookies--the cookies I told him were MINE! I was so angry, how hard is it for a child to understand that not everything is theirs. Earlier in the day he had taken my 3.00 which was my pop money for the rest of the week off the counter and lied about it and now the cookies....and then on top of all of that he proceeded to go outside and play around in a mud puddle and then when asked why his shoes and shorts and shirt were black from the mud he lied to me about it..wth???

Those socks that were on his feet with the tennis shoes will never be white again and who knows about the pants and everything else. I swear there are some days I just want to smack my head into the wall...I see these kids on Nanny 911 and Supernanny and I am like why cant my child learn to listen, what the hell is it going to take for him to realize he has boundaries and that he needs to respect other peoples property?

I admit I am a mom who lets my kids walk all over me because I would rather be their friend rather than be this very strict parent and so I am hoping to find a happy medium in all of this. Uggh I dont know there is so much more I want to post but I am just exhausted and frustrated.

Ali is experiencing Cereal!

2009-05-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

And absolutely loves it! Last night I decided that we needed to get her so that she wasnt waking up at 4am for a bottle and that she would sleep through till at least my alarm at 5am so we decided to try feeding her cereal ... at first it looked like she wasnt going to like this and was going to spit it out at me and Rey and then we kept on with her and finally she started to like it and she by the end of the bowl had a huge cereal grin on her face! I cannot believe she is so easygoing that she liked it! I can tell you though that she would rather have Rey feed her than me and she is such his girl when he is around which is so awesome. I love when he takes his shirt off and lays with her watching tv with her bare chest or cuddles with her after we get her pajamas on her. She is such mommy's little princess as well, she loves to get baths and have a massage after her bath and I love dressing her. I thank God everyday for my children, they are what keep me going, I love hearing "I love you mama" from Matty and Ali's coos and aaaahhh's (her favorite thing to say) and Dustin's text messages and emails, I can have the worst day in the world and then come home and the kids will usually make it all better. Okay...gonna go and hug my kids.

Mom cant be sick!!

2009-05-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

Okay I have come to the realization that mom cant be sick! Monday afternoon it started with this little headache and by Tuesday afternoon I had gone through a box of tissues for my neverending runny nose the headache was still there and I was miserable. Funny thing is that Rey came home with it Monday night after class feeling awful and I end up with the crud on Tuesday. Its funny because women have to be tough when they get sick and men get to whine or at least that is how I see it. Well Wednesday I decided to stay home and rest, so I sent Matty to school and Ali to daycare and Rey and I stayed home and slept through the morning. At 1230 we got up and ordered chinese takeout and then slept till like 3pm when he left to go to study before his class and I went over to Michelle's to get the kids. I just want to thank God for making meds to get over the crud--thank you for Coricidin HBP Flu. It was a lifesaver. That and Puffs Plus with Vicks. Both of them things I would have never made it through the crud as fast as I did without them.

I just keep hoping the kids dont get this so I have been spraying down everything with Lysol. I am so glad I had Rey to help me get through this as well. Even though he was sick he still helped me with the kids and even went out in the rain with me to take them to Michelle's yesterday...I dont like being sick because nothing gets done when you cant get it done!

Whats been going on in my life

2009-05-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Well its spring, the trees are budding, the flowers blooming, I have to admit that next to summer this is my favorite time of the year. The kids are outside playing ball and riding their bikes. Ali I cannot believe is 3 months old now. She is such a happy baby always smiling and cooing. I love it that her eyes light up and a smile comes across her face whenever me or Rey come into the room or like pick her up from daycare.

Matty is growing as well. This week at school he is the Child of the Week, we have learned since last weekend that fingernail polish doesnt go into the hair, also we also learned that the only way to get the fingernail polish out of the hair is by shaving the head, which Matty didnt want to happen since we tried nail polish remover and paint thinner and they didnt work so now he has hot pink highlights mixed into his dark brown/black hair.

Dustin has regained use of his cell phone and computer after getting a's and b's on his progress report. Also Harley has gone up there to live with him and from what I hear things are going great with him and her. I miss my dog but I am glad she can be with Dustin and my house can slowly get back to normal. I have figured out that I am not really a dog person, I love my cat Callie and hopefully in the next few months can get a persian cat and name her Cleopatra and call her Cleo for short, its going to be so nice to not have to pack up a dog and her cage whenever I decide to head up north for the weekend.

Life for me is going great. I am in love with an awesome man, its like ok God I want this, this and this in a man and oh boy did he answer. Rey is everything I have wanted and more! I love having a man who thinks so much like me, who wants to know me and love me for me and not expect me to change anything. I love when I get a text message in the middle of the day just out of the blue telling me that he loves me and is thinking of me. He also loves Ali and the kids which is a huge plus. Dustin tells everyone that he is glad his mom found someone and is happy. Dustin got the chance to know Rey the week he was down here for spring break and Rey, on his day off took the kids to the zoo! I love the fact that everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and now his life is complete that he has me and the kids. I just thank God everyday for the sunshine he has given me at the end of a very long dark tunnel.

Dustin is getting his projects ready for the fair and playing baseball. His 1st game was last Saturday and he got a double which was awesome but alas he is like his mom and loves to dig for high balls and so struck out his next time at bat. He starts summer band in June and will be playing the tuba. I am not thrilled about the tuba but its what he wanted to play and Jon is right, I have to learn to let him go and guide him but not run his life anymore. He is a good kid, not on drugs, not in trouble (except with his parents once in awhile) so I need to let go of the apron strings, which is so hard because hes my first, my peanut and he will always be my peanut, matty will always be my pumpkin and alison will always be my bugaboo. This weekend being Mothers Day really makes me reflect on how awesome and blessed I am to have my kids and how much I have grown with all the hell I have been through. I thank my friend Melissa and my friend Gena and my friend Janie for sticking through it all with me. I dont know what I would have done without each and everyone of you, I am so blessed to have moved on from my divorce, closed that chapter in my life and opened a new chapter with Rey and the kids.

What is it with the whistle?

2009-05-05T18:29:00.000-07:00

Okay what is it with this whistle thing? It must be a gift from God for a select few people that by putting their fingers in their mouth and blowing can make a sound that will stop people dead in their tracks. My pastors wife has this gift and she uses it, my youngest sister has this gift and she can stop me and my kids in a New York minute when she uses her "gift" I unfortunately dont have that ability and hell that sucks when I need the kids to behave etc...there are also times that it gets annoying, like when my sister overuses it. But what is it with the power that a "whistle" like that causes? Can you tell I am bored here. The kids are both asleep and Rey is at the gym or wherever so I am just blogging to blog....Just a random thought....

2009-04-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

I dont know why but lately being a cancer survivor has meant alot more to me than it did before. Maybe its hitting the 5 year mark this year in February or maybe its because this past February the 8th I had my miracle baby my baby girl Alison or maybe its because I have found the love of my life finally someone who understands me and loves me for me. Anyways I have gotten the crazy idea of getting a tattoo to remember being a survivor. I began looking for ideas for my tattoo and decided on getting the thyroid cancer survivor ribbon on my right hip. My cousin Cori has the breast cancer ribbon in honor of her grandmother on her foot and I think it looks awesome but I figure the hip would be safer. So what do you think of this being on my hip, I am not going to use the butterfly just the ribbon, I have a butterfly on my tailbone so I think that would be overkill.

What an awesome accomplishment!

2009-04-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

The other day I got an email from the MSGT of the unit I work for. For those of you who dont know I am a civilian contractor that works for 1st Army in the mobilization and demobilization of troops going to and from Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Bosnia, and many other places in the world. I was being honored at the Staff meeting on Wednesday. Honored for what? I seriously didnt have a clue so yesterday I went into the meeting and me and 8 other civilians and a handful of military were presented with the Indiana National Guard Commendation Medal. This award is the highest award you can receive with the Indiana National Guard. In Dec 2007 and then again in Nov 2008 I helped in the effort to mobilize and demobilize 3500 members of the 76th Brigade. In January I was honored by 1st Army for the mob and demob of the 76th.

For those of you who think you are going to remove me from my job need to get a clue. 2 awards in 3 months, I have been honored by both 1st Army and now the Indiana National Guard and we also found out yesterday that sometime in the next 2 weeks we will be honored by MEDDAC down at Ft. Knox. Plus on top of all of this I am accepting a promotion within my job. I absolutely love what I do, yeah I admit sometimes the hour drive does ware on me but I am serving my country and that to me means alot.

Creative Counterpart Chapters 1-5

2009-04-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

I havent had any patients today so I love to use that time to read, almost 2 years ago when I was still married and my marriage was nearing the end I signed up for a class online called Creative Counterpart in a last ditch effort to save my marriage. I got the book and began reading it and never got past Chapter 3 when Michael filed for divorce and I figured there wasnt anything more for me to learn since my marriage was over. Of course I was wrong. Anyways I have been going through alot within myself the past couple of months and I knew that today was going to be a light patient day so I pickedup the book off the bookshelf and took it to work with me. When I first started to read this book, it was like the Lord opened my eyes to so much...within the 1st sentence ...bam....Proverbs 4:23--"Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it springs forth the issues of life." I took that verse and meditated on it. Our hearts are such fragile "organs" our hearts help us feel, they can be shattered or broken and we as children of God need to guard our hearts which means stay in the word, stay in prayer, stay in fellowship with other believers. It means to keep our heart pure, to make wise decisions in Him. I have recently began dating again. This time I am dating I am 31 years old and the mom to 3 kids. I have to admit its not easy. I would like to find a man who shares the same ideals that I do...I havent found alot out there. I think thats why I started reading this book...I want to get back to who I am in Christ. I know I am the kids mom and a daughter and a sister and a friend and a confidante and maybe even a girlfriend but I want to know what else I am and where else I need to be. I admit that for the past year I have had a lockdown on my heart when Michael left me I was hurt and angry and devastated and so I hid my heart. I didnt let anyone near me and because of this I hurt myself and others around me. Then I found out I was pregnant and when Ali's dad ran I locked myself down even more. It was during my pregnancy that I realized that I needed to go back to the heart of the Lord, that I needed to get into him. I have a bumper sticker on my myspace that talks about to know me you need to seek the Lord. I so want to live to that expectation. I want to keep the Lord 1st and let the rest of the "things" in my life fall into place. No I dont have a 5 year or even a 10 year plan I just live each day as it comes -- to the fullest. I have met a wonderful man whom I have let the guard around my heart down a little to but I have also learned the only person I can truly trust is the Lord. This past Sunday I took Rey to the Vineyard. I love that church and I love Chapel Rock so for the most part I have been attending both. Rey was blown away by the Vineyard and the music and the drama and the service. I prayed all through that service that he would find "the better life" with Christ in it. I dont know if he has, that is between him and God but one thing I did do and I am glad I did was ask him to come to church with me. Pastor Bricker did an awesome sermon...he started out about chocolate and how his love for chocolate has led him to sample some of the more expensive chocolates. He then led into a life with Christ being "the better life", Pastor Bricker doesnt have to convince me I know that my life with Christ is 15 times better than my life without. I have tried for years to have plans and plan this and that and well God had other ideas. Life isnt about a solid plan, Life is about giving it all to Him and letting Him fit in the pieces of the puzzle as He wills. Thats why putting Him first in your life is so important without Him the pieces of the puzzle dont fit and it leaves openings for satan to come in and seek and destroy. When we left church I was wondering what kind of impact the church made on him and I told myself not to ask...finally I couldnt take it any longer and I asked and he even wrote his paper for his class, on the church, that the church made that much of an impact on him. Monday was a good day and then Tuesday oh I knew it would happen sooner or later and Satan has attacked. I am sitting here as I am writing this praying that Satan would just leave Rey alone and I pray that Rey not forget all he has learned this past weekend. Last night when I text him he was in a weird mood and then today when I text him good morning he said we need to talk. All day long I have been in this book letting the Lord work on me. I dont know what he wants to talk about but I know that God is in control whatever it may be. Anyways okay back to the book and everything:

--A wise woman is able and qualified for her work, has command of her own spirit and is able to manage others.

--The most important thing to man (ladies listen up! Its not what you think) is for him to know that the woman he loves is on his team. If the rest of the world calls him a fool and deserts him, it is a great comfort for him to know that she'll be there beside him no matter what.

As I read this very important 1st Chapter God began to show me my faults. Yeah I know I am not perfect, isnt that a shocker :) In my marriage I wasnt on my husbands team and actually when he screwed up I was usually the first one to laugh. I know now that thats wrong.

Love is not a conditional thing. You cannot be like I love you but you need to do this and this and this...I am striving to have a love like Christ had.. He loved all people regardless of social class, race, etc and he loved people unconditionally. There was no if you do this then I cannot love you etc I love the 1st Corinthians chap 13 but it is verse 7 that really stands out the most "Love endures ALL things, its not you live your life and I will live mine, its we need to live in peace and love and unity.

2nd Corinthians 12:19--"We do all things beloved for Your edification building them up and helping them grow in Christ.

Which brings about the attitude--I will do anything my love for your benefit. I can see where this speaks to a Christian woman married to a non-Christian man. She loves that man unconditionally because the love isnt coming from her per se but its coming through her from her love of Christ.

My favorite movie I have seen in awhile is Fireproof with Kirk Cameron. Caleb played by Kirk Cameron is a married man who is self-absorbed in himself and saving for a boat and internet porn that he fails to see how much pressure he is putting on his wife Katherine. Katherine works full time and keeps up the house while Caleb takes care of himself. Well as they learn as the movie goes on you can only do that for so long and you begin to grow apart. Caleb and Katherine didnt have God in their marriage and ultimately it began to fail. I had God in my marriage or so I thought but now I am finding out in hindsight that Michael didnt have a heart for God if anything he was just like Caleb except he cheated on his wife. Caleb's father sends him this book called the "Love Dare" 40 days to enhance his marriage and find the love and connection again but as Caleb learns the more he gets into the Love Dare that he isnt going to love his wife the way that she needs to be loved, deserves to be loved without the Love of God in Him. And it isnt all Katherine's fault that their marriage is failing apart. People dont realize that if they want things to change that change has to be within ... I know after my divorce God really worked on me in changing for the better. My favorite part of the movie is when Caleb and his dad are on the trail by Caleb's house and they walk on a like outdoor church setting and Caleb's dad stands by the cross and Caleb says "dont talk to me about God" and then it hits Caleb -- God's love has been right there all along and Caleb has spat in the Lord's face and it is right then and there that Caleb needs the Lord in His life and chooses at that moment to "lay down his arms, lay down his defenses" and come to the Lord and seek Him, which ultimately leads him to love his wife even more than he ever thought possible.

I am so praying for a love like that from someone. I know that I can give that love to someone..man wasnt designed to live alone. I have tried and tried to show this, but I dont think I am getting the same response as I am giving my I dont give up I have faith and my faith is what is going to sustain me.

I have been reading alot about the Proverbs 31 woman and I am finding that she had so much love to give that it didnt stop with her family, it went on to her church, her friends, her extended family. Her true beauty comes from inner strength of character.

This book at the end of the 1st Chapter asks this one question that I swear really gets me-- Do you want to be the Proverbs 31 woman? The starting place is the same for us as it was for her -- Our relationship with the Lord. Philipians 2:12-13 states "For God is at work within you, helping you want to obey Him and then helping you do what He wants." Its 100% God and 100% Me it cant be 50% Me and 50% God, He needs all of us not just the good part of us or what we think is the better part. A relationship with God is much like a marriage relationship each partner must give 100% or the partnership will ultimately fail.

2nd Corinthians 5:17--"Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away and behold all things are new."

We need to look past the present circumstances and look at the big picture, and see all that God has done in our lives. Hebrews 13:5 states "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I am so looking forward to expounding on this later but it gives comfort to my heart that no matter what is thrown at me my faith in the Lord can continue to sustain me.

Sex in the City

2009-04-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have to say that that was an awesome movie! I loved the series and I am so the "I dont want the movie to ruin the series or ruin the book..." kind of a person. So the other night after checking out and heading toward the exit there it was...a Redbox. I had never heard of Redbox till moving to Indy and the only one I knew about in my area was at McDonalds on 10th Street but there it was...a Redbox in Meijer! Where else can you rent a new release movie for 1.00 a night (1.07 with tax) and if you dont get it back the 1st night by 9pm then thats okay they just charge you another dollar. Anyways I have been getting movies from there and Saturday night I decided to rent Sex in the City. Very good movie! On Facebook awhile back there was this quiz which character are you most like and when I took the quiz it came back ..Carrie...I had to really stop and think because I thought for sure I would be like Miranda, very serious, very right to the point. I knew for sure I couldnt be Sam...and I was too laid back to be the other one (yeah I know but I am forgetting her name..uggh) because she is way too uptight. Anyways the movie was awesome! It did not ruin the series at all if anything the series enhanced the movie.

Easter 2009

2009-04-13T16:54:00.001-07:00

Easter this year was so awesome! I had every intention of going home to mom and dads and the easter egg hunt and dinner and everything but it is weird we can have the biggest and best laid plans and God decides that something needs to change those plans. The kids (Dustin was down here in Indy for his spring break) ended up on Monday night sick with this weird flu thing..it was so weird, you would think the kids were getting better and then boom the temp spiked and it would start all over again. Thank God for my lovely man because he took his days off to stay with the kids so I could work. Friday night I took Dustin back to Kokomo and his dad picked him up. All in all besides being sick I think he had a great week. Now we are jumping into 4H and baseball...yay my little boy made the Majors!!! I cant wait to go up there this summer and see some of his games. Anyways Matty was still sick Friday so he didnt get to go to his dads because God forbid he take care of his sick son ...so I didnt go north, no sense spreading it to everyone up there. I was heartbroken. I had never ever not been home for Easter, Easter is like my favorite holiday because its spring and there is so much from all the newness of spring to Christ's Resurrection and I love hearing all the hymns like "Christ the Lord has Risen Today" and so many others. Its about the only time of the year that I do love hymns. Anyways I was stuck home so my wonderful man, whom I love with all my heart decided we needed to go to church on Sunday so we did. Now mind you Rey hasnt been to church in years but the way that service spoke to him was awesome! Before we went to church my friend Melissa called me and told me she found God that morning which was just so awesome -- I so love it when my friends whom I have been praying for for years find peace and happiness in the Lord and realize that its not all about themselves. I have this list in my head of people who may or may not know about the Lord but so need to have the Lord in their lives and this weekend 2 of the most important people in my life were led to the Lord. I would like to think I had a part in it but its all about Him.

Anyways church was awesome! We went to the Vineyard and the music, the drama, and the message were so captivating, the Holy Spirit was so moving in that Worship Center that morning. Thank you Lord for giving me peace and joy and contentment and when it seemed that there wasnt anyone out there for me, thank you Lord for the awesome man you put into my life.

We came home from church and I took my stab at making Easter Dinner, it was delicious if I do say so myself. Baked Ham with Brown Sugar and Cloves Glaze, Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Crescent Rolls, and Brownies and Ice Cream for dessert. Thank you God for taking away the void of missing my family and instead filling it with the love and memories that I will have forever spending it with Rey and Matty and Ali.

Can I please just shoot the dog?

2009-04-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Okay I seriously dont get it maybe its something with the weather or something heck I dont know but I am so seriously about ready to shoot my dog!!! Miss Harley as I call her is a 2 yr old Lab Mix that I was forced to take right after I moved into my townhouse in 2008. All I can say is that dog..uggh she makes me so mad! Her newest habit is to chew stuff up and it doesnt matter what, yesterday she chewed up an army guy, several matchbox cars, and some packets of baby formula. Then even though she has gone outside and gone number one and number two and I have seen her do it, she is for some reason leaving me "presents" in the house....uggh....I just want to scream. She has even gone into the pantry and chewed up a box of bisquick, nothing phases her. I thought we were past the puppy phase. She cannot be left in the house alone and not in her cage otherwise she goes on a chewing spree or a pooping spree...it just gets very frustrating. There are days when I wish I could go up to my ex husband and say here take her back. Of course him, he doesnt care he got the dog he wanted, I would have like to have had a puggle or even a pug heck I even looked at a dauschaund ..you know little dogs but no..I have Harley. If anyone has any advice what to do with her before I pull all my hair out because of her antics please let me know!

Friends are Awesome!

2009-04-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was awesome! Me and the kids went up to mom and dad's to see everyone and go to my cousin's wedding shower. On saturday night me and the kids went down to Bremen to see everyone. It is amazing how much everyone has grown and even though we dont live there anymore it is amazing how awesome it is for us to keep in touch! We had a great time with our friends (and Chrissy yeah the drinks were so good but they do contain alcohol and we can get drunk from those..but I cannot wait to get the ones I ordered...I cant wait till I can spend summer nights sitting on my patio enjoying the evenings...) I think it is so cool that even with all the "crap" of the last 2 years that my friends have remained my friends. I gotta admit I love Facebook, what an awesome way to connect and keep in touch! I dont think a day has gone by that I havent gotten the chance to connect with someone from my past whether it be youth group, 4H, or someone I went to school with. I admit the last few years I have been through alot of crap (for lack of a better word) but I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have met an awesome man who loves me and loves my kids and my kids think the world of him. This past weekend when I went to leave to go up north my van broke down and so he let me, so I wouldnt ruin any of my plans use his Jeep Cherokee which was so nice of him. Its so nice to have someone to tell good morning to when you wake up and good night to when you go to sleep each night and I am learning with this that its not about sex its about a foundation. Its about spending time together and laughing and sharing and communicating together. My marriage wasnt like that, it was based on sex, because certain people think that you have to have sex to show love and that thank goodness I am finding out is so not the case. Sex is a small part of the relationship but you dont have to have it. Too many people are into the lets meet and jump into bed attitude but in my opinion that ruins alot of things. Since I have met Rey he has shown me how a woman is supposed to be treated which is so awesome and hes more interested in knowing me and the kids than jumping down my pants so to speak. I have to admit I have never known a guy like this which has been so awesome! And that he adores my kiddos is a big plus as well. I feel so fulfilled, I have my friends and family that love me and Rey in my life, an awesome job, and my faith which continues to sustain me.

So glad this week is over!

2009-03-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Omg! No one can be more happy this week is over than me! I knew when I woke up Monday morning I should have just pulled the covers over my head and slept till Friday or maybe even the next Monday! Yeah that would have been better the next Monday! But then if I got to sleep a week (which would have been nice) I would have missed some of the good points of my week (yes there were a couple) Its so funny I can have my foundation attacked and everything rock me to my core but I suddenly stop and am like okay Lord keep me rooted in my foundation! Keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, keep my foundation built on the rock, not the sand and he does...its amazing but he has never failed me. He has brought me to my knees but He has never failed me!

People need to get this straight, they arent going to destroy me they are going to destroy themselves, life isnt all about living in the past, life is about living in the present and future and people who are miserable and petty think there is nothing better than hashing up the past and things that happen in the past for their enjoyment -- to me that is so sad, what has happened has happened and its over get over it and move on ..thats Christ in me. Satan however wants people to wallow in the past the whole he did this, you did this thing. He wants people to be miserable in their lives, to be bankrupt and unhappy. I may not have lots of money but you dont need lots of money to be rich, I am rich in friends and love of my family and my kids are the loves of my life, I dont know where I would be without my kids I know there are days where I have been attacked and rocked to my core and just so want to give up and then I come home and Alison will have smiled at me and Matty will hug me and tell me how much he loves his mommy and Dustin will call me and tell me all about his day and then I know how much it is worth it and how lucky and blessed I am. I cannot believe at one time in my life I put my marriage over my kids and I am so glad that the Lord with his grace and love opened my eyes and helped me to realize how much more important and much more constant my kids will be more than anyone else in my life.

Life is not all about you. Life is about what a difference you make in someone's life.I have taught my children and other single moms and families about the love of Christ. Its not easy putting yourself on the back burner and focusing on others but the rewards and the blessings are awesome! I just cant see how people can be selfish and petty, and constantly rehash things that are past, there is always so much more as you look toward the future...my favorite saying is that "God may close a door, but He always will open a window." I know this week was bad but God did put some people in my life to get me through it (thanks for the hug I so needed it and it was so nice to meet you put a face with a voice and I am looking forward to getting to know you even more.) As for the "downers" in my life ...just get over it and move on..Lord knows Ihave, I dont care about your petty lives oh and my life isnt sad my life is a work in progress full of ups and downs and please dont justify to me how perfect you are or have your s/o tell me how awesome you are all I can say to that is whatever. I dont get fired from my job because of my attitude, instead this week I was awarded a command sargeant majors coin from the North American Medical Corp for the US Army for my 2 years of exemplary service to Camp Atterbury and was also honored by the post commander for outstanding service to the soliders of Camp Atterbury which is truly an awesome accomplishment and one that has only been duplicated by 3 other persons in the last 6 years. Well I have a bathroom that needs to be cleaned and laundry to put away ...moms always on the go!

At the Cross You beckon me....

2009-03-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

At the cross You,beckon me,
You draw me gently,to my knees and I am,lost for words so,lost in love,
I'm sweetly broken, Holy surrender!
At the cross You,You beckon me,draw me gently,to my knees and I am
,lost for words so,lost in love,
I am sweetly broken, Holy surrender!

I have got to say this is becoming one of my favorite praise and worship songs. Saturday night to try and ease this disconnectedness I have been feeling I went to church at Vineyard in Greenwood. I love the Vineyard with the music and the message and the Holy Spirit just moving in there. I dont know whats wrong with me lately. Dustin and my sisters urged me to join this online dating service called plentyoffish.com. Well I put my picture on there as well as filled out the profile and I have met some nice guys but then I have had several that have told me that while I am beautiful they just couldnt see themselves with 3 kids...I feel like because I have these kids I am damaged goods. I ask myself alot if there is anyone out there for me that can love me for me and not hurt me and love my kids and not freak out because I have 3 kids with 3 different dads. No I am not perfect I am just forgiven, forgiven by the blood that Jesus Christ shed for me when He died on that cross. And yes even though I have made some mistakes in my life (some really BIG ones I might add) God still loves me and forgives me He says so in His word. So those of you who think that if you screw up you arent going to get to heaven need to realize that the Lord is standing right there with open arms, He wants you, He wants to love you, He wants to be your all in all.

God has been really working on me these past few days. Saturday night when I went to church the message was on controlling your anger and living for the Lord. I admit I have a temper and I am notorious for letting it go when things get to me. I am proud to say that my little princess has my temper already..yeah I know thats not a good thing but I do think its funny! Anyways God has been so working on me to live my life for Him. I will share more about it in a later post as I dont have my bible or my notes with me. But I have got to learn to let go and let God I cannot control anything. I need to get over being mad at God and feeling like I have been punished.

2009-03-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

Isnt she adorable? I love her bib "My mommy rocks" I cannot believe she is going is 6 weeks old today, already she is trying to sleep through the night and smile and coo and oh boy does she have an attitude!

She is the light of my life as are all my kids, Dustin is trying out for the majors baseball team and Matt just brought home a super report card! Every accomplishment those kids achieve just makes me prouder and prouder. The financial woes of 3 kidsand everything going on in my life dont compare to when my kids tell me they love me or all the hugs I get, Dustin made a picture for me last week that in the center had the word "mom" and then around that word was everything that he loved about me from my bbq meatloaf to going on bike rides together.

Children need love and their parents, they dont need stupid people who arent their parents trying to act like it and causing problems (you out there know who you are) deal with your own kids and your own problems before you get involved in mine. I have to ask what is so important about destroying a relationship with a mother and son when you dont even have custody of your daughter ever heard of the phrase ...work on your own house before you go destroying mine???

My children may not have been born in the best of circumstances but Ilove them with all my heart and love is all that matters. So today hug your child and tell them that you love them with all your heart, I know I am going to go do that right now.

Facebook

2009-03-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Okay I have to admit I am a Facebook junkie. I have myspace and then about 6 months ago a friend turned me on to Facebook and it is so cool I have connected with friends from youth group, high school, friends I had lost touch with. I love it when a "friend" leaves me a message just to say hi and I also love leaving messages on my friends profiles as well. Everyday it seems that another person from my past invites me to be their friend. I also love to play games on there and chat plus I have pictures on there as well, if you want to look me up I am Traci Hummel on Facebook and www.myspace.com/armywifeofmike on myspace and www.cafemom/superwoman8977 on cafemom.

Spring is just around the corner...

2009-03-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of year is coming. Notice on the cover of this blog is flip flops because I love spring and summer and wearing flip flops and shorts (of course when I am not at work). Only in Indiana do we have crazy weather, Tuesday it was 74 degrees here and today we didnt get above 34 degrees. Go figure. Summer is the time where I enjoy the outside. I love camping and cooking on the grill and hanging out at the pool, I am pretty lucky my complex has a very nice pool and patio area and it will be great to get some sun this summer. For some crazy mixed up reason the fair is in June and July this year, they say it will be better I say it will be longer so who knows we are just going to have to wait and see. So now I am going to get through the end of this cold weather and think Spring with all the newness and everything and this year I have a beautiful new baby and 2 awesome boys to spend it with. Ask me next fall when it turns cold again how much I love spring and summer and I will begin dreaming of spring and summer again.

Matty's New Glasses!

2009-03-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning when we were up at mom and dads the idea came upon my sister that we needed to go and get Matty his new glasses. I have had the prescription for his glasses since November and havent had the money to get them and then my sis found this cool ad in the paper for 2 pairs of glasses for 69.00 and so off we went. Have I mentioned it was raining very hard that day and we were out in the deluge with a 6 yr old, 10 yr old and a very cranky newborn? Anyways we get to the eyeglass place and the usual threats were given (you know them..behave in this store or you are grounded and well I threw in a bribe also that if they were good in the store we would go to GameStop, which I will of course later regret..lol) anyways we get in there and get Matty to try on glasses and he finds this blue frame that he likes and of course here we go again, my sis doesnt (apparently she thinks she has some sort of fashion sense, at least more than me..haha) anyways we look at the frames they have and we pick a brownish color pair and then Matty asks about the blue ones that I swear make him look like Harry Potter..very cute...and she says she doesnt like them but if he wants them..of course Matty wants them. Thats one thing I love about him is that he is such an against the grain stubborn person --all of my children are and I am glad I passed that trait on to them..lol....I am sure their future spouses and children wont be though.

So we go to order the glasses and come back to pick them up at 4:30 (awesome same day service which means he got them before I headed back to Indy the next day and we didnt have to worry about mailing them to us or anything.) For the most part the kids behaved in the eyeglass store so we went to the GameStop. If you have never been to a GameStop before its a store that sells games for gaming systems both new and used and usually at lower prices then other stores. The kids found Lego Star Wars used for 19.99 (new it is 50.00) and of course mom cant beat that so of course I buy it ...

At 4:30 we go back to the eyeglass store and pick up his new glasses. I can tell byt the way he is walking and the look on his face that he is very nervous to get glasses. I keep reassuring him that it will be ok and that he will see so much better with the glasses. We head back home to mom and dads and he starts playing the Wii and it isnt 5 seconds later I hear "mom you are right I can see my wii so much better with my glasses." Since then he wore them to school and had a couple of kids make fun of him but it hasnt been a problem and he loves his new glasses because he can see so much better and clearer.

An awesome weekend!

2009-03-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

I decided last week to go home this past weekend and surprise my son! So Friday night after work I loaded up the baby's stuff and the dog cage and dog and everything and headed 4 hrs up north to my parents house. My mom had surgery 2 weeks ago and is recuperating laying on her stomach on this special pillow that juts out from the bed. Anyways she is to be on her stomach 20 hours a day which I give her credit because I sure couldnt do it!

Got up there Friday night...Omg was Dustin surprised and happy to see his mama! I love my peanut and I wish he could be in Indy with me but he is doing so well up there in Northern Indiana with his dad that for now I am going to leave things as is. He is active in 4-h and basketball and soccer and football for his school and hes getting more active in being part of my mom and dads church. He also gets to spend 2 weekends a month and half the summer with my parents and when I get a chance I get up there as well.

Saturday morning when we all got up (correction: Matty woke everyone up at 645 am...uggh doesnt that kid realize its Saturday any other day during the week I have to pull him out of bed so he can go to the sitter but sure as heck not Saturdays!) anyways him and my sister went and got donuts at my favorite bakery in town-- West End bakery that has always been a Saturday morning tradition in our family for as long as I can remember and they have something I havent been able to find anywhere else or at least not as good as those. I love the sour cream cake donuts and West End makes the best! There are so many times I get homesick for those or just a donut from the West End and here in Indy I havent found any mom and pop bakeries like the West End. I belong to a group on Facebook thats called You know you are from the Michiana area when...and well my response is you get to go to West End Bakery for donuts on Saturday morning!

Of course as usual it rained the whole weekend I was up there, for some reason everytime I go up there it either rains or snows it figures. I hate the weather up there thats why I live in Indy ..lol

Took Matty to get his new glasses but thats a whole nother post in itself. Afterwards I took the kids to GameStop and they found Star Wars Legofor 19.99!! Omg! My kids were so excited and lets just say that game has more than paid for itself already.

Then Kelly and I took Dustin to get his cleats for baseball and to price his pants and a new bat, I love it when we can take the kids one by one and give them some individual time it is so cool.

Since the divorce, spending time with my parents and friends in Northern Indiana has become such a vital part of my life, I make the effort like 1-2 times a month to come up and see everyone, I am so glad that God showed me how important, more important that family is.

Omg!!! People just need to get over themselves!

2009-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

I swear people need to just get over themselves! I am so sick of people telling me I need to go after Alison's father. He doesnt want to be a father, I have tried talking to him, texting him and nothing. You cannot make a person want to be a father even to a precious princess like my Alison Rene. He doesnt want to be a dad and there is nothing I can do to make him pay support and if he does pay support whats to say I will be in the same situation as I am with Matthew --fighting over custody all the time. No way I cant take that. Yeah Alison is on medicaid as a secondary insurance plus I pay for her medicaid so its basically just like a normal insurance! Military families are on tricare and my tax dollars pay for your tricare so military wives bitching about me being on medicaid as a secondary is really the pot calling black wouldnt you say? I cant help the situation that she was born into yeah its less than ideal but being a money grubbing bitch and going after a man who doesnt want to have anything to do with her isnt going to make things better. Too many people dont realize how hard going through this alone is and they are so quick to pass judgement on me for being a "whore" and then not wantin to go after the father because they have it in their thick skulls that he needs to pay. Why cause more problems and heatrache for an already fragile family situation? Not every family is made up of the perfect mom and dad and 2.2 kids and the big house with the new minivan. Life is tough. Life is messy. He will one day face the punishment he deserves for not being part of his baby's life Uggh this just urks me some people need to get off their high horse and realize that life isnt always perfect....OMG!!!!!

Life has been busy!

2009-02-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

I cant believe Alison will be 3 weeks old on Sunday and on Monday I go back to work. Wow life has been hectic! I got to spend some time with mom and dad while on leave which was great and I got to see family which was awesome as well. I didnt get all the stuff I wanted to get done while I was off, oh well there is always weekends, well weekends that I am not heading north.

There is something totally different about being a mom in my thirties as opposed to being a mom in my twenties, there is like this passion,maybe its also because I am getting old and tired (I know its weird but I have become such a homebody the older I get) I am not into the bar or dating scene at the moment I just want to hang out with my kids and hang out at home. I used to love going out and now I am totally at home in my sweatshirts and jeans and tennis shoes. Ali is thriving she is very sick at the moment but she is a fighter (gee I wonder where she gets that from...lol)

I guess I better put some more pictures of the little angel up on here. Someday I will post more but for now I am exhausted and going to head to bed. Be blessed.

She is finally here!!!

2009-02-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Yay yay she is finally here! Alison Rene made her triumphant entrance into the world on February 8th (also my due date and my dads birthday) weighing 8lbs 4 oz and 19 inches long at 932 am. I had contractions all day on Saturday and then at 3am on Sunday went to go to the bathroom and was like ok this is it. From that moment on pure adrenaline took over. I had everything downstairs packed and ready to go. I drove the 35 miles to Johnson Memorial Hospital in Franklin, IN and it was like God had this all planned. My best friend Gena was in the delivery room with me, and Matty was there although he wasnt a part of the delivery. Everythng just came together. She is my little princess. This morning I was thinking as I was having my coffee how blessed I am. I have friends and family that love me and support me and I have my kids who love me and support me and I do the same for them. It has been so hard since the divorce and now the pregnancy but through it all I have grown closer to the Lord. I have got to go pick up Matty so I will have to write more later.

Awesome News!

2009-01-27T18:49:00.000-08:00

I went to the Internal Medicine Doctor on Friday and got some awesome news for the first time in 5 years my cancer workups were NORMAL!!!! I was in total shock. This means that the medicine is working. I was so stoked and then I went to the OB and she walked into the exam room with a huge grin on her face but unbeknownst to her I knew but it was cool that she was so excited.

Its hard to believe that for 5 years I have been fighting this and finally, finally one week before my 5 year cancer diagnosis I am finally in remission! It was so cool to tell my kids that mommy doesnt have cancer anymore. My 10 year old did backflips.

I have learned alot fighting this cancer for the last 5 years. I have learned that God has His own timing and no much how much I prayed God knew when I was going to go into remission. It wasnt under my control, it wasnt even under the dr's control although I am sure my results have frustrated them for a long time. Its just like going through the divorce and everything I have been through. God has a plan and as much as I hated the bad things that have happened in the last 5 years all of it has brought me to be a stronger, head on my shoulders person. I had an acqauintance tell me one day that I wasnt a strong person. That person doesnt have a clue. It takes alot to be a week away from delivering a baby and still get up at 430 am and get a child ready for school and get out the door and head an hour away to work when all you really want to do is sleep. But God and my stubborness has so given me the strength to get up and go. I am also proud to say that financially I am stronger now than I have ever been. The bills are paid and there are finances in the bank. That is why I am a firm believer in tithing in giving God 10% of everything.....

A New day has dawned...

2009-01-21T08:08:00.000-08:00

A new day...a new president. Barack Obama is now the 44th President of the United States! Hats off and best wishes to George W. Bush who is now a former president and hopefully this morning waking up in his own bed at his ranch for the first time in 8 years as a private citizen. I was thinking about that last night as I watched President and Mrs. Obama dance the night away. What must President Bush be thinking? I would be thinking relief now that the welfare and wellbeing of the United States is no longer in my hands although I would have to get used to not having a ton of servants around and doing things for myself all the time. The kids watched the inauguration at school, I got on Cafemom last night and there was this post started about people worshipping Obama and everything because of all the fanfare over his election. I personally dont think thats the case. I think people are just tired of the recession and everything and looking to Obama as a fresh face and a new way out of this recession. back in my hometown the RV Capital of the world the employment market is so bleak. There are so many people out of work, crime is up, its just a sad time. And I admit I ask myself at least 10 times a day where is God in all of this. I am very thankful to have an awesome job with the army and a roof over my head and food on the table and kids that love and respect me..I am very blessed. When FDR was elected president people had alot of the same hope that he would get them out of the depression and he did --of course then WWII happened but he got them out of the depression and was elected to 4 terms as president. I think of Obama as the new FDR and then again maybe I am wrong, but I and others think he is the bright spot in this country. At first I wasnt that big of a fan of Obama and was even voting for McCain at first till I started studying Obama and seeing the changes that he wanted to make and the more I studied the more excited I got, and yes I know there is all these out there that think that people are looking to Obama as a "Savior" as he has been labeled etc but I dont see him that way.

Can it get any colder?

2009-01-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

Okay I have just got to ask ...can it get any colder? I now know why I hate winter. Mom and dad have a buttload of snow (dont ask me how much exactly I just know Dustin told me its alot) as for me I have snow but what the heck is it doing getting -10 this morning. Of course nothing wants to start and I have to be at work...uggh ..its so fun me being 9 months pregnant out there messing with my van to start .... I was shocked that Matty only had a 2 hr delay when IPS closed (Indianapolis Public Schools) and several others but at least they got a 2 hr delay. Life doesnt quit when it gets cold you just have to adjust. And adding 50 lbs of weight to my front and feeling like a waddling penguin across the ice ...okay I know I shouldnt gripe but I hate the cold. I know my kids love it. Matthew loves to go outside and make snowballs and snowmen and pelt his brother with snowballs I just cant see the joy in it ... maybe its because when I was a kid I shoveled the walk and had to walk a block and a half to school. I do have a couple fond memories of winter and that was sledding. One year mom and dad took us sledding and mom went down the hill on my saucer and broke it in half--that was funny and then when I was in High School dad took us girls to George Wilson and he went down the hill and hit a snow buump and all I can remember is dad going one way and his glasses and tube going another. That was the last time dad has gone sledding when I asked him if he was going to take his grandsons this year he said he hadnt paid his life insurance premium for the year...lol....anyways I guess you can look at snow as glorious white stuff like children do or you can look at it as a pain in the butt which is usually how I look at it. I think its kind of ironic that my favorite holiday song is Let it snow......lol

Man, I havent been on here in awhile...

2009-01-14T06:10:00.000-08:00

Man, I havent been on here in awhile, well since I blogged about Christmas. Tony Dungy has stepped down from head coach of the Colts which is a sad day in Indy but hopefully Caldwell will be able to carry on the legacy. Since I have lived down here I have been this like huge Colts fan and I love seeing Matty want to wear his Colt "Jeezy" as he calls it and his Colts hats and everything.

Last Saturday was my baby shower thrown by the girls at Divorce Care. I was so blessed to have my friend Gena come down and go with me. I got some very neat things including the infant car seat bunting thing which I really wanted for Alison's infant seat and could not find but my friend April did. I got some bottles and some outfits and oh my goodness these awesome fleece blankets and then this oh so soft blanket that I am going to bring home Alison in from the hospital. We played games and had snacks, I am not good with the whole party in my honor thing but it was fun. Matty loved it because the ladies brought gifts for him as well. He got an etch a sketch and then this cute little pin that says Matthew Hummel--Baby Protector he is so proud and cannot wait to wear that around when Alison was born. The closer the due date gets the more anxious I am to have her and see my little princess. I get to have an ultrasound today at 2pm and I am hoping Doc will say lets get her out. Come on Alison mommy and Matty and Dustin want to see you and well lets see so does Nana and Papa and Aunt Kris and Aunt Kelly and wow there are just too many people to mention. ....you are going to be so well loved...

Christmas 2008

2009-01-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

Okay well we got through the mayhem of the dog and ended up having a super Christmas! Dustin came home on Christmas night and Matty on the friday, the day after Christmas and on Saturday we went up to my aunt and uncles for an impromptu Christmas dinner and so the boys could open up their gifts. I love my aunt and uncle I think of them as my 2nd parents and I know they love us they tell us that each time we see them.

We spent Saturday with my aunt and uncle and then on Sunday before we left for Indy we went over to my grandmas house for lasagne and just a time of food and fellowship. We had a great time. My grandma is 87 years old and loves the boys and loves being a great-grandma.

Sunday night we went back to Indy but this was special, we were bringing Dustin back for the week! We had an awesome week with him but of course I got sick and ended up in bed on New Years Eve and have been sick ever since. I took Dustin back on Sunday the sunday after New Years

So all in all for our 1st Christmas we did awesome. Hey even my divorce care teachers would be impressed at how I handled Christmas. There was no tears just got to enjoy the holiday..thanks Lord for all the opportunities. I know I gotta post some pics and when I have some time I will.

My dog

2008-12-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

Okay there are times I love my dog...not many mind you but a few (lol). Christmas Eve was not one of those times. I drove home Christmas Eve to see my mom and dad and go to church with them so of course the dog was with me. Before I left Indy I stopped and bought mom some pumpkin eggnog and also some gingerbread eggnog (I hadnt tried the gingerbread one so I was looking forward to trying it) and headed on to South Bend. Got up to mom and dads and it was like their street erupted in chaos. The cops had someone pulled over I am still not sure why, the neighbors were trying to get their van to run so they had brought another van over to jumpstart it but apparently the person with the other van had polish in them because they didnt park the van straight and it stuck out in the road and made it hard for people to drive down the street dodging the van. Then as I am about to get out I see this dog who apparently got loose from his owner running around with the owner yelling "Butch...come here" and of course the dog wasnt going anywhere near the owner. He was free! But this also meant that I couldnt get Harley out of the van and into mom and dads sunporch and so I got out and started to unload the luggage. As I was unloading and keeping Harley in the van, Dustin called telling me he was ready to be picked up so I quickly got the luggage out of the van and Harley ushered into the house before the other dog saw her and got her on the sunporch. Keep in mind I hadnt unloaded the eggnog or the front of the van yet. Anyways got on the road to Elkhart when I decided I was hungry and remembered there were 2 candy bars in the Eggnog bag. It was when I went to reach back for the candy bars that I felt it----sticky and gooey and oh crap wet! The gingerbread eggnog had exploded all over the floor of the van!

I was so ticked! I wanted to try that one since I had already had the pumpkin one and liked it but here it laid in a puddle on my floor in the van!!!! From what I can figure out, Harley went to chase after that loose dog while still in the van and landed on it just right and it exploded. Now heres the big question...how do you get eggnog off the van floor. I have tried scrubbing and it hasnt worked...other than 76.00 at Ziebart any other ideas? Uggh that was the beginning to my beautiful Christmas (I so want to get that dog the biggest lump of coal I can find...lol)

Okay people cant drive here....

2008-12-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

Okay seriously what the hell is up with people who get some ice on the road and go crazy? We had an inch of ice here tonight and people were into median walls and everything because they dont have a clue how the hell to drive slowly. I watched one woman attempt to stop at a stoplight like it was normal conditions and then she wondered why the hell she plowed into the car in front of her..I mean duh...I had a guy almost slam into the rear of me and I was like no way that would not have been cool. Maybe its because I grew up in Northern Indiana in the land of ice and snow that I can handle the ice and snow. I mean come on my boss wanted me to leave at 3pm what the hell for..I am a big girl I can drive in the ice and snow.

Okay after experiencing a bad driver commute tonight I am just in the mood to vent...what the hell is it with the women who married my ex's thinking they can be beotches and one in particular to my son. You need to treat him with the same love you treat your own kids. Yeah my son had an awesome part in the program tonight and sorry that yours didnt but it keeps happening I hear it all the time from my son about how you treat him worse than the other kids, It needs to stop or my son will be back down here regardless of the childcare situation. I am just getting sick of hearing my son being depressed because his stepmom who right now is with him doesnt love him like she loves her brats. Get over it already!

Okay I cant believe there is only 9 days left till Christmas! I havent gotten anything done like I have wanted to do uggh. And the dumb dog she unwrapped all the gifts I had wrapped uggh. There are times I just want to smack her and send her somewhere..Okay I actually had a pretty good day but for some reason tonight I am in this venting mood I mean what the hell? It just takes one thing these days to set me off...

Busy, Busy

2008-12-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

I have been so busy with work and everything that I havent had time to share about last weekend which was awesome and catch you all up on everything going on in our lives.

Last Friday night I packed up Matty and the dog and luggage and headed up to mom and dads. I got to Argos and mom called and told me they were having pizza at the Wooden Peel (My favorite pizza place) in Bremen. So I drove on over and met them there. It was so cool taking the back roads I havent been on those in over a year I miss back roads unfortunately there are no back roads in Indy, and the Wooden Peel has the most awesome pizza. I love mom and pop Pizza places and I havent found one in Indy yet. I mean yeah we have Pizza Hut and Papa John's and all that but I havent found a mom and pop shop in Indy that I love as much as Wooden Peel in Bremen or Rossini's in Mishawaka.

Got to mom and dads and unloaded the car and went to bed. Woke up to a sound I have not heard in quite awhile....the sound of a snowplow. Now when I got to mom and dads there was no snow on the ground but when I got up at 8am there was 5 inches on the ground. I hate snow have I ever mentioned that? On top of that I had no idea where my snowbrush was and Dustin had dress rehearsal in an hour and a half...uggh....of course the boys..my boys loved the snow and it was all they could do to get through breakfast and head out for a few minutes into the fluffy white stuff and into the cold. I dont know why I have never liked snow even as a kid the only thing I liked snow for was tubing on the big hill at George Wilson Park just down the road from mom and dads.

I got Dustin to his dress rehearsal and of course they were late starting which means they were late finishing and of course lunch was passed by so of course the kids were hungry and tired and my sister -- Miss I am 30 and dont have a license and expect everyone to drive me around had this wonderful idea that we pick up dad and head to the mall for lunch at the Food Court and to see Santa (uggh I have I mentioned that I hate the mall at Christmas time?) so we picked up dad and off we went.

We got to the mall and finally picked out what we all wanted for lunch and had a nice lunch and then got into the mall and were on our way to see Santa which my 10 year old was not thrilled about because he is feeling this year he is too old to see Santa and apparently he is getting tired of my mom and sisters treating him like a baby all the time but my sis so wanted a pic of her boys with Santa so I had to bribe him into going up and standing by Santa while his brother sat on Santa's lap. Now heres the thing I am 31 years old and I still believe in Santa. Not the person Santa but I believe that everyone has "Santa" in their heart.

Its hard to believe that a year ago Mike had left and I was losing my place and the light looked so far away at the end of the tunnel. In fact the last few Christmases have been pretty awful but last year someone and I still dont know who dropped off toys and food for me and the kids on my porch. I am so grateful for that "Santa" who helped me and the boys out, and it just reaffirmed my faith that there is some "Santa" in all of us. So yeah I am 31 years old and still believe in Santa and I am praying that I can instill Santa in my son--maybe not the guy in the red suit but the Santa that is in my heart. I know the last couple of years have been super hard on me and the kids but it is my prayer that the kids and well me too keep looking for the good in everything we have been through.

Sunday was so awesome! Dustin did awesome in the play! It was as if the part was made especially for him! I was so proud to watch him, he truly has a gift in the arts I just hope his dad notices it like I do. After church and the play we went off to the 2nd highlight of the weekend home--- going to the ND Womens Basketball Game as they played Purdue. There is one more thing I love and that is Notre Dame Sports and living in Indy, yeah I have the Colts but I also love the Irish and I am so blessed that I can come home and enjoy the Irish with my boys and with my dad!

Since the divorce my family (my mom and dad and sisters and the boys and soon enough Miss Alison ) have become so important and close to me. Maybe this is one of the blessings of the divorce is that my family has become so much closer than when I was married to Mike. I enjoy coming home and seeing my family and spending time with them. Mom and I still have our disagreements but we at least talk twice a week and the boys have gotten so close to dad and mom and their Aunt Kris and Aunt Kelly---I even find myself coming home more often so I can do things with them. I am even goinghome for Christmas and I hadnt planned on going home but the idea of spending Christmas alone just didnt work for me.

Christmas...getting more in the spirit...

2008-12-01T19:21:00.000-08:00

Okay I am getting more into the Christmas spirit. Matty had the awesome idea we needed to put our tree up and so tonight I got out the tree and the decorations and that was all it took he put all the decorations on the tree I think he did a wonderful job dont you think? I cant remember where I got the snowman I think a craft bazaar but it has the Colts and its awesome. The more Matty wants to decorate the more the Christmas spirit goes in my heart. We are going home to mom and dads this weekend, the kids are getting so excited. It is finally Dustin's play I cannot wait to see him as the lead. He has been working so hard and now this Sunday we will get to see the fruits of his labor!!!! Sunday afternoon dad and me and my sisters and the boys are all going to go out to ND and see the Women's Basketball Game, I cant wait. My family --all of my family has become such an important part of my life and I cant believe they werent as big as a part of my life when I was married. I missed out on such precious time. When people ask what makes me tick wow I have to think about this for a minute--My faith in the Lord, my kids, my mom and dad and sisters, all my family, and then my friends, my job, the soldiers I work with and now they have become my family. I also love the church I attend and the divorce care class. I have so much to be thankful for especially at this time of year.

Christmas Spirit

2008-11-30T11:16:00.000-08:00

I dont know about all of you but I just cannot get into the Christmas spirit this year or any year something always happens to come along and rob me of it. Last year it was me losing my house and this year it was the transmission in the van. What the heck? Every year something happens around October or November that zaps the money I had put aside for Christmas and just ruins my Christmas spirit. It so frustrates me, I would just for one year like to enjoy the holiday, get my kids what they want for Christmas, and not have to worry about whether the bills will get paid if I splurge. I would like to be able to walk into a Toys R us and get them exactly what they want...I wonder if thats ever going to happen.

Okay thanksgiving's over..now what?

2008-11-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

Okay Thanksgiving is over. I spent the day driving. Drove to mom and dads like 8am and had lunch with them (quick lunch) and then left Matty with them for the weekend and then drove home so I could work Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Had alot of time to think while I was driving, got alot of things figured out in my head anyway. As I was driving past the homes full of people eating dinner and fellowshipping for the holiday together my heart began to hurt. I had that and I loved that.

How I love where I live

2008-11-21T19:30:00.000-08:00

I love Indy where I live. Mom and dad called me last night and told me about their 8 inches of lake effect snow. Hahaha was all I can say, yeah its cold here but there is no snow! Tonight me and Matty went to the YMCA Bonfire. How fun they had smores and popcorn and apples with carmels drizzled all over them and some awesome chili. I love fall love the smells, the sites and there is nothing more peaceful to me than a cold clear night with the sky full of stars!

I have been in the word alot lately about contentment and how Christ desires us to be content in whatever situation we are in....I know thats something I struggle with. I ask myself alot why am I in the mess I am in and how can I be content when lonelieness and frustration rear its ugly head?

Thanksgiving is a week away and this week I have been doing some thinking about what I am thankful for as well as realizing that this will be the 1st thanksgiving ever that I have not spent it with my mom and dad. I will be here since I am going up to mom and dads the following weekend so I can see Dustin in his Christmas play and we can celebrate Christmas since I cannot drive that far home for Christmas because of the baby. If anyone is headed to South Bend and would like to give me a ride and the dog I would love to go home for Christmas (just asking, half kidding). This will also be my 1st Christmas since the divorce which is kind of hard but oh well. I am trying to just move on from Christmas ....as for thanksgiving I am hoping to go out with some friends I have met down here like go to Cracker Barrel for dinner and then to a movie. Its going to be weird not being home but next year I am going to be home with bells on. Its amazing how much life changes in one year. Alison will be here in 10 weeks and then I will be mom again I cant wait. Well gonna head to bed I am exhausted. God Bless you all.

Forgot to share Halloween Pics

2008-11-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

Okay I had an awesome Halloween, I cannot believe I havent shared any pics. There are some pics on my myspace but I so need to share these on here...

My day out!

2008-11-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that basically I cannot write whatever I want to write feel on this, well to that and to the people that told me that I say to hell with you. This is my space, my feelings...you dont like it then dont freaking read it. I dont read your crap nor do I give a care. I have my own life and if you think to make your life "complete" etc then back off because I am my own person. And if you think you can destroy me by telling me about my friends and how they talk about me behind my back then you know what you dont know me. I am a strong, independent woman who loves her friends and her family and would do anything for them, and if your happiness is destroying families, etc then I truly feel sorry for you! I have a job I love with all my heart with people who love and respect me and I have 2 awesome boys who think their mommy is awesome and tell me that on a daily basis. I am going back to school so I can make something more of myself sorry I am not going to be a beotch and work at Pizza Hut or Walmart or something along those lines I am way better than that and you may think you won, what you won I am not sure what , well I am gonna tell you Karma is an awesome thing and you piss Karma off and its going to come back to bite you in the rear, See I learned way back when that if I am gonna make something of myself in this world you have to have a few things. First you have to have God first in your life, second you cannot rely on a man to take care of you, you have to rely on you and God to make it. I love these women that think that by treating a man like a puppy on a leash and being the biggest beotches they can be they have "won" something well let me tell you the only thing you have "won" is the reputation of being a beotch. Because if you have had to have gone through all I have ad done it on my own it would be hilarious to see you crumble. Okay well I have vented and now I feel much better ... now onto my day...

I got up this morning and for the last few weeks I dont know if being pregnant or what but i have been in this funk. Anyways I got up and cleaned up around the house and started the dishwasher and washer and decided to go and get my hair done at this place in Avon called Cass and Company I called them and they had a cancellation so I went over and the woman....well it was a God thing. I got my hair done and as we talked we got to know each other and I found out her mom was going through breast cancer and radiation and next thing I knew we were sitting there talking while my hair was processing and she asked me about my cancer and then asked me if she could do my makeup. I was like thank you God I needed this today and so she did my makeup and she did my hair and when it came time for me to leave and pay she had given me a 70.00 discount! I was in shock! Thank you God I so needed this day and to be able to connect with her was just so awesome! I recommend this salon to everyone I felt so at home with all the people. I have been looking for a salon for awhile and I have been to several and just didnt like the results so I was so glad to find this one or else I would have to go back to South Bend to Ja'Ross which is my fave salon back home. Anyways I got done at the salon and decided I need to get out of my box more and the one thing I have had trouble doing is eating at a sit down restaurant just me, you know the whole table for one thing and so I decided to step out of my box and go to eat. I chose Red Lobster and it was so cool I didnt feel like there were a million eyes staring at me. I actually enjoyed my lunch. You know maybe people are right I am better off being on my own I dont need a man to go to lunch I just need to be comfortable with myself. Here are some pics of the new hairstyle and makeup...what do you think about it?

Christ showed me today He is my all in all, all I need....

2008-10-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

shared last week in here about my van. Well it was the transmission and it was going to cost me 1500.00....I have to have a vehicle, I have to work to pay the bills. After this happened Friday night I have been totally lost how am I going to pay for the repairs should I even fix the van? I was totally lost...anyways yesterday at church I went up for prayer during the altar call ....I was like Lord I dont know what to do this is all on you show me where I need to go with this. I went back to my seat feeling a weight lifted off my shoulders but still didnt know what to do or where to go with this but trying very hard to trust God. This morning I went in to work in the rental car....I called the mechanic to get his official "diagnosis" and yep it was the transmission and it was going to be 1500.00 and no I could not make payments but if I could come up with 1200.00 he would let me make payments on the remaining 300.00...I was devastated. Lord where do I go with this, there still isnt a way. I just kept remembering scripture I had been memorizing, He will supply all my needs kept running through my head. About 45 minutes later I got an email from one of the ladies in my Sunday School Class telling me that there is a fund used to help families with issues and I needed to apply for it and she attached an application. I can depending on the severity of the situation receive up to 1000.00.....I applied and faxed the forms back to the church administrator and I prayed Lord I pray this is an outlet an answer in the meantime I also called 2 banks just to see if I could be financed for a car ...20 minutes later the administrator emailed me and told me that I could receive the 1000.00 for my van if I can come up with the 500.00 I told him that I could and he told me he would be in contact with the garage. Almost instantly the garage called me and wanted to let me know they had started the work on my van and it will be done Thursday night which means I can go home Friday to go to my parents Harvest/Halloween Party and the kids can see their cousins, I have had this planned for over a month now and it was looking last week like I wasnt going to get to go home and right now with all I have been through these past weeks I am ready to spend some time fellowshipping with family. My parents had given me the gas/food money to go home a couple months ago when we talked about doing it. The rental car I have been driving I went to go return it and extend till Thursday and when I asked the guy at Enterprise hes like your security deposit will cover the car till Thursday (another praise, thank you God!) and thank you they had a smaller car that had been returned I had been driving a 2008 Dodge Charger and it wasnt for me so I went for a smaller KIA that I could handle better although someday I wouldnt mind having one of those maybe after the kids..lol...anyways I am just so pumped about how well this all came through. God is my all in all....I never really knew what that meant till today. I am going to be okay, God is teaching me so much about the person He wants me to be. I just had to share this all with you...

Just when you think everything is going good....Boom!!!

2008-10-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

Yep Boom!!! Friday night on my way home from work my tranny went out in my van. The old me would have freaked because Matty was in Indy at daycare and I was stuck in Franklin but I must be growing up because I didnt freak, I stopped and I was like "Ok God you know what I need..." I found the phone number of my friend Val who lives in my complex and it was my lucky day because I was able to call and have Val pick up Matty and then I got to the service center and I called the rental car place and they had one car left a 2008 Dodge Charger and the silver lining with that was that they charged me the "basic" rate instead of the "premium" rate which was what that car was. So I was able to get home. They called me on Saturday and told me 1500.00---God you know my needs, you know rent needs to be paid this week and everything but He has gotten me this far there is no way He's going to let me sink now, and He didnt let me sink Friday night. He was right there orchestrating each step.

Since Friday I have basically just hung out at home. Today my stupid alarm clock has a time change automatically (uggh) and so this morning it decided to change so I woke up an hour later than I was supposed to. Thank goodness it was on a weekend and not during the week so I rushed to church and then got home and decided to cook a big dinner so I made BBQ Meatloaf (Paula Deen was where I got the recipe), and Rice a Roni topped with cheese and homemade crescent rolls and frozen peas. I love to cook and the meatloaf was awesome!!!!

Matty also had to show me tonight he has his 1st loose tooth!!! Its so cute, I cant remember Dustin's 1st loose tooth since it was like 6 years ago. I cant remember alot of Dustin's 1sts that I am having to relive with Matty. He is so excited but I think he is scared when it is going to fall out. When he eats he has to go in the bathroom and look and make sure it is still there. I just think thats so cute!!!

Its been awhile....

2008-10-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Okay I cannot believe its been this long since I blogged. Whats been up with me since the 9th of October, well lots of things. Work is keeping me busy and Matty is managing to be all boy and tear his pants and play outside and enjoy the beautiful fall weather. (except for today it is raining steadily outside....uggh) The leaves are changing I am getting bigger...lol Miss Thang as the boys call my Miss Ali is moving all over the place, Matty loves to watch her kick.

Divorce Care is going great. I am halfway done with the class and the Lord really has been healing things, doesnt help Mr Idiot and his spouse have been complete arses but thank you Lord for progressing me past the drama. I am enjoying the class and I am enjoying the Lord working in my life. He has blessed me more abundantly in so many ways, not just financially but with me and my kids and the fact that we have grown so much closer since the divorce. My kids know that they can talk to me about anything and that I will always be there for them. Thank you Lord for helping me as I go through this time of transition thank you for softening my heart and healing the hurt.

I am learning as I go through this time alot about Karma....It can really come back to bite you in the rear, I have never really understood the what goes around comes around until now or the you will reap what you sow, but God has really been hitting that home to me so to speak now more than ever.

3 weeks ago I went and saw "Fireproof". First of all I love Kirk Cameron especially for his role in Left Behind 1, 2, and 3. But I love his faith, its so rock steady. Anyways I highly recommend every Christian see this movie. I went into the theatre, this was my 1st time going to a movie alone. I was so scared that I wasnt going to be able to watch the movie since it was about a marriage on the rocks. I have been dealing with my own issues as to why my marriage failed and what he sees in her and not me. Anyways what really opened my eyes was when God, through the man's father showed him the error of his ways and if he wanted to save his marriage he had to change, not just his wife. What I also thought was cool was that the man's father and mother's marriage had almost crumbled 2 years earlier and it was like the issues from that incident planted the seeds into their son so they could be an example to him and his wife of the Power of God and how he worked in their marriage. It was amazing to me how one person views that movie and sees something totally different and gets something totally different out of that movie than another person. Thats the Holy Spirit working! I still havent gotten to the point where I am going to sit in a restaurant alone but someday maybe at least now I know I can go and enjoy a movie alone if the opportunity presents itself for me to get to go.

I am

2008-10-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

I got this from a friend and figured I would try this....
I am: a child of God, mom, sister, friend, best friend, cousin, niece, granddaughter, daughter

I think: that if we dont do something to stop it our economy is going to be in serious trouble.

I know: that even if there isnt anyone out there to love me that the Lord loves me no matter what

I want: to find Mr. Right and spend the rest of my life getting to know him and be the best mom I can be to my kids

I have: 2 awesome boys and soon a little girl

I wish: that pregnancy was shorter (like 25 weeks) that way I could be almost done and back to my regular life

I hate: People who treat me as a 2nd class citizen because I am divorced and now pregnant with another man's child. Get over it already I know I have and I know the Lord has forgiven me.

I miss: Going out and spending time with someone. When Matty is with his dad the house is so quiet and I am so lonely. I would just like to have someone to dress up and go out to dinner and a movie with or someone to go on a walk with or cuddle up and watch a movie with.

I fear: that I am not going to meet anyone and not have the financial support I need to get ahead in life

I feel: overused. Like I am supposed to just allow a man to get to know me and use me and leave me, its happened more times than I can count.

I hear: My co-workers gossiping

I smell: Carrie's cinnabon candle burning, it smells so good!

I crave: food this morning. I am hungry...a hug too would be nice..I dont get enough of those!

I search:

I wonder: If I can ever have a normal life again.

I regret: that I wasnt there more for my kids when they were younger.

I love:my kids, my friends and family and above all I love the Lord for saving a wretch like me

I ache: all over this morning for some reason, not sure why

I care:

I always: Attempt to pay my bills on time!

I am not: someone that can be used and discarded I am a human being with feelings!

I believe: that if yout tithe the Lord will truly provide all of your needs

I dance: Nope! I am not that good

I sing: I love Praise and Worship whenever I am working in the house!

I don't always:

I fight: for my rights!

I write: all the time. I love to blog and journal my feelings.

I win: as Supermom to my kids!

I lose:

I never: thought my life would turn out this way

I confuse:

I listen: to my friends and family when they give me advice

I can usually be found: in my bedroom on my bed on my computer...its quiet and cozy there

I am scared:

I need: to be taken care of once in awhile

I am happy about:

Okay I know I left some blank but my mind isnt working this morning you fill them in if you want to.

Mud!!!! Uggh

2008-10-09T05:10:00.000-07:00

Last night Matty asked if he could go outside and play. I was like yeah we have 1 hr before Club Rock and my Divorce Care Class yeah arent you hungry---no, alright then you may go out and play. Matty scampered out the door and went over to the courtyard, mom didnt remember it had rained the day before. Anyways I got everything ready to leave and when it was 20 till 7 I called Matt in so we could leave. I didnt even look at him (my mistake) and I was like lets go Matty and hes like mom did you even look at me? I admit I was in go-mode and didnt even look. I looked down at Matty and nearly had a heart attack!!! OMG!!!! Matty was covered in mud!! Apparently one of his "buddies" had wrestled him and got him down into the mud hole in the courtyard! I admit, I freaked! I rushed him upstairs and stripped off his mud covered shorts and long sleeve shirt and threw him into the shower. Handed him soap and a washcloth and told him to get scrubbing. I had never seen so much mud all over his legs, arms, face, and even in his hair! Got him scrubbed and clean and redressed in jeans and a t-shirt and we made it to Club Rock and my class in the nick of time.

Uggh there are days like this incident where uggh I hate being mom and dad to Matty. I love my son dont get me wrong and when I am having a bad day he can make me laugh but uggh in the mud when we are late to go somewhere...I know God I just have to grin and bear with it..and enjoy the mud!

2008-10-09T05:03:00.000-07:00

Its a Girl!

Had my ultrasound yesterday. She is perfect 10 fingers and 10 toes I am gonna have to post pictures. She was so fiesty with arms and legs moving all over the place like she was ready to blow this popstand (me) and explore the world! Matty is a little upset I am not having a boy, but oh well I have a feeling this little girl as fiesty as she is now is gonna give her dopey brothers a run for their money!!! Mom and my sisters have been helping me think of names and right now we are kinda stuck on Alison Rene. Alison after my dad, she is due on his birthday and then we can call her Ali. Dad's favorite actress is Ali MCGraw so thats a plus as well. An calling her Ali means she can be named after my dad whom we call Al. I also liked the name Alexis but we already have an Alexis in the family.

Strawberry Cheesecake

2008-10-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

I went shopping today. Its amazing when you are single how important your food is to you. When I was married we were always scrimping and saving and went to like Aldi's and if we went to Meijer or Kroger we counted every cent we spent. Now that I am single I love food. I love my kids having snacks and stuff. Anyways after work I went to Meijer tonight just for milk and some other things and ended up spending 84.00...the old me wouldnt have done that but the new me well..oh well I dont have a life and i love to eat so it wasnt that big of a deal. Anyways one of the things I have been wanting to have was strawberry cheesecake. When I was married Mike and I ate strawberry cheesecake when we were just the 2 of us together and when I met Mike I bought him a cheesecake for his 1st birthday we celebrated together --a strawberry one. So it kind of became a tradition for us. Anyways since the divorce I havent had one so today when I went in to Meijer I decided -- the heck with it I want strawberry cheesecake. So I bought a frozen one and brought it home and thawed it out and had it for dessert tonight. Ah the memories it brought back but then I realized there wasnt anyone to share this with, that has been so hard for me to deal with but oh it was so tasty! I missed it so much just like I miss the old days so to speak but as I ate it was like a farewell to my old life and a hello to my new one. I have to admit I miss being married, miss the cuddling and I pray that someday I can have that again, but this time different, this time have a marriage that has more of a foundation, more sustenance so to speak. As I sit here with another piece of cheesecake (remember I am not counting calories lol) Heres goodbye to the old life and hello to the new life, the new opportunities, new horizons. It is amazing how one thing can mean different things depending on the circumstances.

2008-10-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

Okay well I had complications with my blood sugar and blood pressure from when I was pregnant with Matty apparently I am gonna have them with this pregnancy too. Saturday night I did not feel well and ended up going to bed about 830, right after Matty fell asleep. Sunday morning I felt worse but then I was like I need to go to church, so I woke up Matty and off to church we went . I got Matty into his Sunday School and got myself into sunday school, went in and got myself some OJ and settled down ready for class and boom! I passed out! When I came to I had a dr and 2 nurses working on me. I thank God that they were in class and I really thank God that the man sitting next to me knew to get them, they gave me more juice and took my bp. I dont know what the heck happened but thanks to them they got me feeling better and I am just glad they were there. So now I guess I am in trouble again. I can drive to work and home and then I have to rest when I get home. I went home after the incident yesterday morning I didnt chance going to service and I am so blessed that I have a very loving, understanding child who spent the afternoon playing and cleaning his room and he gave mommy a surprise-- he cleaned his room spotless and made his bed. Other than the incident it was a pretty uneventful weekend. Notre Dame won which I am glad and the Colts game--wow that was an awesome 4th quarter to go from 17 points down to win the game its just outstanding! The leaves are starting to change here and its getting cooler-- Other than that not much happening on this side of the world!

Moving Day!

2008-10-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have heard about it since December of last year about our new office and this week it finally happened--we moved to our new offices. Nothing impressive let me tell you we basically had to cram 1000 sf of stuff into 200 sf--not an easy task but thanks to some awesome organization we did it, and in one day too working the whole day packing and moving over here. The only positive thing in this move is that I have my own computer now and my own cubicle so to speak.

I cannot believe that its Thursday already. This week has gone by so fast. Went to Divorce Care last night. Learned alot about anger and everything but it is so hard going into a place where everyone is in a different place in their lives and in their divorce. Mine is over and thats about all I can say about it. He is married to the white trash ho. Love that song cheater cheater and cannot wait for the CD to come out with that song on it in Jan 2009. Cannot believe also that next week is my ultrasound. I dont know if I want a boy or a girl all I want is for the baby to be healthy with all my medical issues.

I also cannot believe that I paid October's bills already (well most of them) My 15th paycheck will be able to be banked for the most part. I also cannot believe that its October already. Time is sure flying only less than 3 months left of this horrible year all I can say is that 2009 has got to be better I said that about 2007 and 2008 was worse so I dont know. God is certainly supplying all my needs and to think I judged Him wow He showed me! I have got to get into the word more but with chasing a 6 yr old and keeping up the house and working 40 + hours per week there isnt alot of time.

The leaves are changing, fall is here, grab a cup of hot apple cider and settle in for the fall!

Awesome Weekend

2008-09-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had an awesome weekend up in South Bend and my Irish won so yay! The fish fry Saturday night was awesome as was the birthday party we held for Matty after the fish fry! My aunt and uncle came from Michigan and we went over to my grandmothers and the kids got to spend time playing with their uncle and papa. On Sunday went to mom's church, had a nice service I will always consider Osceola UMC my home church no matter where I live or how far away I am.

Sunday afternoon left mom and dad and stopped at Gena's on the way home. I love the time I get to spend with my friends but it was too short. Time flew and it was 8pm and I was on my way to Indy again.

Not Much Going on here...

2008-09-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

This week I think is just going to drag on, only because I am excited to go home this weekend and be with my family and celebrate Matty's birthday and Notre Dame vs Purdue and then of course the fish fry. I cant miss the fish fry and dad and Bus cooking all that fish. Plus I get Dustin for the weekend! Its become pretty sad that I am looking forward to going home on a weekend -- I really dont have a life, I so need a life oh well.

OMG!!! Use a freaking phone already!

2008-09-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

and dont say you left me a voicemail when I know you sure the hell did not! OMG! I just want to scream...I have a life too! Now I have a six year old child bawling his eyes out because he wanted to go spend the weekend with his dad...his birthday weekend of all things ...and here is the thing the arse called and wished him a Happy Birthday on his birthday and then pulls this crap...WTH? I had plans this weekend to go shopping without a kid which is something I dont get to do very often and get the van swept out and washed and detailed even though that wont last long with a 6 yr old that thinks the floor of the van is a trash can and catch all and then I was planning on going to the movies by myself for the first time and seeing the movie "The Women" or the new Kate Hudson movie that just came out --basically, bottomline I had plans for this weekend and now because you are a selfish s.o.b. I have my son this weekend...WTH? Dont get me wrong I love my kids with all my heart but what I dont love is my 6 yr old rolled up in his blanket by the patio doors downstairs crying himself to sleep. Dont guys get what they do to these kids when they pull the no call no show act, and yeah I am going to be selfish for a minute but I had plans too. OMG I just have to vent and get this out because I am getting sick of it. My opinion of men in general is going to the dogs so to speak really fast because well lets see I am 20 weeks pregnant and well the baby's father hasnt even called to see how things are and then the arse I was married to divorces me and marries his beotch on the same day and then thinks he is Father of the Year --- well arse of the year is more like it! Men are arses and the day I meet a man who will love me and treat me like a queen (yeah right that isnt going to happen) I think I will die a happy woman! Father God I dont get it, all I wanted in my life was a man whom I could spend my life with and kids and a house and a car that doesnt break down every 5 seconds is that too much to ask for? I guess it is so for the minute I am going to enjoy my life as a single person and enjoy my kids and let life happen as it does. I still cant believe my ex husband would hurt his son (his pride and joy so to speak) but it just proves how selfish he is and how full of himself he is and pretty much what every man that has been in my life is....okay vent over now I am going to head to get the van done which will take longer because Matt has to "help" uggh well I pray you all have a wonderful Saturday

Happy Birthday Matt!

2008-09-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

Okay my baby is 6 years old today so I guess I need to quit calling him Matty. He will always be my Matty though. Last night we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner, I love the way they let them up on the saddle and sing Happy Birthday to him. Then we went to Goodwill, I love that store but they had no jeans for Matt (crud) but I found a couple pairs of Maternity pants and a couple of shirts. Matt found some Hulk Hands these cute huge Hulk hands there and so I got those for him. Then we went to Walmart and I found him some jeans and a couple of shirts. I cannot believe that size 5 jeans were too small, so I found him some size 6 ones that fit. I know this probably isnt the most elablorate of birthday celebrations but it was very special, I was with spending the evening with my baby. Yeah I didnt spend hundreds of dollars on gifts for him like I know someone probably will but I did get him some jeans which he needed since all his other ones are worn out from him sliding around on his knees and stuff and basically being a boy! Next weekend we are going home to mom and dads to the fall fish fry and enjoy the leaves turning up there. Go Notre Dame this weekend they play Michigan State and next weekend Purdue. I love this time of year but its not my favorite, summer is my favorite but this is my next favorite with all the fall parties and football and everything.

September rolls on...

2008-09-17T06:14:00.000-07:00

Not much going on here. September just keeps rolling on...I cannot believe Matty will be 6 tomorrow. My baby will be 6. Dustin has his 2nd football game today I hope his team will win another game. He seems to like playing. Big Brother is over (sob) but I am looking forward to seeing new seasons of Survivor and Amazing Race and Csi and Csi: Miami and Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy (Can you tell now that I am not married I have become a TV Nut..lol) I love watching TV in the evenings -- clean up the kitchen after dinner and head upstairs to my bed, my computer and my TV. I have become such a couch potato! I really do have no life, since Matty is asleep by 830. Tonight is my next class of divorce care. I did the bible study on your own stuff which was really cool although I am still not sure about this class. But Matty is all excited its Wednesday night and Club Rock --He absolutely loves Club Rock! Its all he has been talking about. So I cant let the kiddo down. I am starting to like the church even though I havent really met many people yet but its the pastors message that keeps me coming back. Plus its only 5 minutes from my place so its perfect in saving gas and everything. I miss Vineyard though because I really liked that church but its 40 min from home so for now since I am on the save money kick I am glad I found a church closer to home.

Finally finished Beth Moores book "get Out of that Pit" and am now reading Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Woman, and getting as much out of it as I did when I was reading Power of a Praying Wife. If anything this time as a single mom has brought me closer to God although there are so many things going on in my life right now that are so up in the air but I know that God is in control and I have to keep telling myself that on a daily basis. Unfortunately the ex husbands new wife is still harassing me. The other night she text me at 1045 pm (yep the whole house was asleep and was woke up by my phone) asking me if I was having sex with my ex husband? Wth? I havent even seen the man since Labor day when I picked Matty up in Peru from him. Uggh and I was asleep too when she sent that so the next day I emailed Mike and let him know that the games and the nasty texts and everything need to stop. He wrote me back saying he had been staying on Atterbury and didnt know about her doing this (yeah right) and that he would talk to her about it. I think its funny she is worried about her "husband" cheating when she has cheated on him numorous times ..oh well thats what he gets for marrying a woman that thinks he is her "posession" and has stated that to me and others several times. I am just sick of the whole thing. She needs to get over herself before she has harassment charges filed and Mike isnt allowed to see Matt unless he is being supervised.

I guess I just have to be the bigger person in all of this which is sometimes easier said than done. I have had to be the bigger person in alot of things lately which frustrates me. Why is that?

Maybe this is what it means when God is molding me and shaping me for a purpose-- letting me go through all the crap so in the end I can be this tough as nails Christian woman.

Baby is doing good, went to the doc last Wednesday and go back October 8th for Ultrasound and appt with the doc. Meds are working great as well. Its nice to have some energy back. Last night I made porkchops and baked beans and made a Pineapple Upside Down Cake for dessert. I love that I am getting my appetite back and can eat again. I am at 19 weeks I am going to have to take more belly shot pictures and post them tomorrow.

Why is it people think that I dont have feelings??

2008-09-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

I am so angry!!!! Why is it people think they can say what they want to me and treat me how they want to. Do they not get that I have feelings, I have emotions, I am a person too! Yesterday I talked on the phone with my dad's sister (she took my dad and his best friend to the ND game) which was an awesome game anyways she got on the phone and no she couldnt say congrats on the pregnancy or hey Trace how have you been ..no she didnt even say anything like that no she immediately went into saying ...okay are we going to get our tubes tied after this one??? I was like what the hell??? I so wish I just would have laid into her ....why is that her concern? I take care of my kids, I am not on welfare, I work hard for a living for my kids....omg.....Where was she getting off....She doesnt have any kids, so maybe she doesnt understand how much my kids mean to me, they are my life. Even this child I am carrying the situation isnt the best I am bringing him/her into but I still love him/her with all my heart. Yes this is my last child and yes I am planning on getting my tubes tied after this one, but there are days I get tired of being treated like a 2nd class citizen. I get tired of feeling like a whore with all I have been through in 2008 which I have to say was even worse than 2007 which I thought 2007 was the worst, I was wrong. This year having been through the divorce and now everything with that and then meeting a guy I thought was Mr. Right apparently I was wrong about that and now being pregnant and I have to say the lonlieness I have been through this year has been the worst ever. I mean here it is 10 pm on a Sunday night and I am here alone, Matty is sleeping next to me snoring thats a great comfort but I so miss conversing with an adult once in awhile. This is the time when I really think God has forgotten about me and my prayers and my hopes and dreams. I blog on here to get out my feelings because I dont have anyone else to share with. Its hard to believe but a year ago I was married and had a life....I was mom and wife and everything but now yeah I am mom and I love my boys with all my heart and I am trying to bring them closer to God but it isnt the same. I didnt ask for my marriage to end and I dont know when this hole in my heart will be filled or if it can be filled. I also see people out and about and I think I used to be like that now I would just rather stay home I couldnt even go to my co-workers wedding reception Saturday night because I couldnt take all the couples, etc. Uggh well I am exhausted, heading to bed alone someday maybe I will get to fill this huge hole in my heart. Until then I will continue to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.

I know I havent posted

2008-09-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

Everything at the doc went good Wednesday, she is just glad she could get me back on my meds and now we can work on lowering my TSH level down to where it needs to be. I finally got to hear the heartbeat, I love listening to a baby's heartbeat its at 151 which the boys were like 140 so I am thinking girl but I dont know...I will have an ultrasound on the 8th of October and yeah to all of you who want to know you will get to know. I still dont know if I want to know so I am thinking on that.

Started Divorce Care last night. I have to say, God has brought me through so much I am so much farther than I thought (yeah Gena you were right..lol) and I want to thank my "sisters" (you know who you are for getting me through this) because I saw last night what I could be like with the whole holding on thing and I am so glad you have been so "convincing" lol for lack of a better word, you have no idea how much I thank you for going through this with me and even with this pregnancy I couldnt have made it through any of this without you all. Even giving me the swift kick in the rear I needed to get over things to move on with things. And I thank God for putting the people in my life that I needed to get through all of this. Okay I have to quit or I am going to start crying...you girls just know how much I love you.

Okay this day is very special to me as well. I cant believe its been 7 years since that awful day. I call it the worst day in my marriage and my life because after this day passed my life has never been the same. Never in a million years would I think my life would have taken the paths and the twists and turns that it has...all that I have loved and lost and gained all because of 2 planes flying into the twin towers....1 plane flying into the pentagon and 1 plane flying into Shanksville, PA I have my job which I love because of the mobilization of troops for Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom. My heart goes out to all of my friends serving here and overseas I love all of you and am proud of all of you.

Okay now I am getting weepy so I am gonna scoot also please pray for my friends in the Corpus Christi Area as you get ready for Hurricane Ike, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you be safe as you make decisions whether to drive inland or to stay through the storm. Godspeed.

Bad dr's appt..prayers appreciated.

2008-09-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

Okay well I had a bad dr appt today. Having problems with thyroid issues my bffs and family are more informed. Its just been a very bad day and I am very tired. More when I feel up to it. I have to go back to the dr Wednesday at 10 am. Prayers are very much appreciated.

I love it! The first Saturday in September...

2008-09-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

Football! My Christmas! Football season starting up again. Today was the seasonal debut of the Irish and then tomorrow night the Season opener of the Colts vs the Bears at Lucas Oil Stadium. Its also fall cleaning day for me. I started just doing the laundry and by the end of the day I had cleaned the laundry room, foyer, downstairs bathroom, and living room. I cannot believe I got rid of 12 boxes and bags of junk. Stuff I didnt need anymore, stuff to remind me of my former life. As I was cleaning I asked myself, does it get any easier, like tonight I decided to find a way to put up some of my knickknacks and my Partylite things and I opened the box to my Susan Winget house -- I loved that house as well as the barn and the church and I loved to burn tealights in them and as I opened the box to the house, the house had been shattered. I dont know when it happened but it was so symbolic to me --my home is shattered. I stood there tears rolling down my face. I knew I had to throw it away but I didnt want to. It meant that I was going to own the complete set anymore just like my heart, it wasnt complete. This year has been so hard to get through so many twists and turns and changes and everything. As I looked down at the house in that box as shattered as my life is/was I was reminded of Proverbs 3:5,6--"Trust in Him with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all things RELY on HIM and He will DIRECT your paths." God has a plan for me and my boys, for this baby coming, for everything happening we just right now are going through the tough stuff, one day I am going to be able to look back on this and realize I was closer to the Lord today more than I have been in a long time. Yeah I cried when I opened that box but I didnt get angry God has a plan, God has taken the wicked out of my life and the more I let go is directing my paths. No my life isnt how I wanted it to be. When I said "Till death do us part" I meant it but I think the "death" has come and now I am ready for the next stage whatever that may be. It took looking at that house sitting there shattered in that box for me to realize that yes certain parts of my life are over much as I dont want them to be--but God has something better in store for me. I also was all ready to get rid of my dog didnt think she fit in our family, well this afternoon I went out and put out this tie out in the patio area and put her on it and she loved it! Loved hanging around the back yard when it was time for her to come back in tonight she just came in and laid next to me there was no jumping on me no rambuctiousness just her ready to cuddle with me and when I asked her to go to her kennel she didnt fight it she went right in there. I plan on putting her out again there tomorrow for a few hours and then maybe in the evenings during the week. She is such a good dog she just needed something more. I think we all need something more I am not saying being outside more or whatever but we all need faith and when we dont have that faith our lives are lacking something and we start seeking but usually in the wrong places --- I have friends that need God but they are looking outside themselves and outside God--I know you can only do that so long before it sneaks up on you. I have people in my life that dont know what they have until they throw it away. I see that every single day People who think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, believe me when I tell you it isnt -- I had a conversation with a friend this week from back home and she just couldnt believe all I had been through and she is like "what did you do to tick God off" she didnt understand that I had given everything to God and let go...what happened next was the result of "free will' and by the end of the conversation she understood I was trustng God for everything and surrendering it all has so blessed me and my boys beyond my expectations I now realize that Joel Osteen when he says to make plans, my home may be in the dumpsters but its all gonna work out

2008-09-05T06:26:00.000-07:00

Okay I gotta say yay its Friday even though this was a short week. Devotions with Dustin nightly are going awesomely. Wednesday nights devotions..oh wow he could really understand the point that God was trying to get across with the bible reading and then last night it was so awesome but we were talking about living IN Christ and he started crying..I was like Dustin what's wrong and you know he was having a hard time telling me and then it was so cool..hes like mom I dont like it when I sin...I was like thank you Jesus I am getting through to him. And I was like Dustin we arent perfect we have issues but this is where God is tugging at your heartstrings and wanting you to be more like Him. The changes just in the past week have been awesome and he has even helped me. I have been worrying about alot of things in the past week and the way he took to that lesson on worry--wow I need that so badly, I need that Lord I need child-like faith, like the faith you speak about in Mark. I am still trying to decide on whether or not to go to that divorce class that starts Wednesday night and about the new bed I have looked at I know i need a new bed but its like do I want to spend the money right now. God has supplied my needs above and beyond what I expected and I am so blessed!

Okay now I am getting my days mixed up....

2008-09-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

Okay well I guess now today I am getting my days mixed up because its Wednesday already! Thats right I was off yesterday. This is going to be a short week. It rained today, not alot but enough to get the dust off my van and keep Matty inside :O) Its getting harder and harder for me to find clothes to fit my expanding body. My friend made a suggestion that maybe I should know what the sex of the baby is so I would be able to prepare, I dont know, I will think about it. Matty had a bad bowel day so I cant wait to try the raisin bran hopefully it will work better than the medication because the more I think about it the more I want less medications in Matty's life. I wish there was something I could do so I dont have to take medication for not having a thyroid anymore I am going to talk to the doctor about that. My co-workers loved my hair and I cannot wait to get it highlighted so then it will really be the way I want it done and complete.

I keep thinking about going to the divorce suport group but I dont know. I dont want to be hit on and I also am not healed. Its hard to heal when someone hurts you like I was hurt especially when you want to know why it was done and you ask yourself 200 times a day..what did I do wrong? Did I not give enough love? Did I not dote on his every need? Sexual inexperience? Questions like that cross my mind every single day.

I am taking this time in my life before my life gets any more hectic to just "be". God has provided over and above what I expected financially, friends, family, an awesome church. I am so blessed over and over.

New Haircut and New Baby Bump Pictures!

2008-09-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Okay y'all I have to share with you pics of my new haircut as well as baby bump pics..here we go with week 18! Almost halfway there! I am still not that keen on knowing the sex of the baby but those of you who do want to know let me know and when I have the u/s done I will have the girls at work send you what it is so I dont have to know....pretty clever, huh? Anyways here is the pics I am just hanging around on my day off I updated these also on my myspace as well as sent some to some friends and family. Have a blessed day! Love and miss you all, keep in touch!

Traci

My Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

Okay well I wanted to enjoy my Labor Day Weekend. Okay well that didnt happen. I got home from work Friday night packed up the dog and the car and everything set off to pick up Matty from Daycare and head towards Kokomo and then onto the campground. Went to drop Matty off --- of course the witch was there -- I swear she doesnt let him do anything without her, what he sees in her is beyond me, I am glad I am 31 years old and I dont look in my 50's anyways went to drop Matty off and she of course makes comments, she cant keep her mouth shut, its all a game with her. But when she made comments about me being knocked up--okay I had to get out of there. I hugged Matty and yes I told him when I hugged him that he didnt have to listen to her because she is not his mommy I am his mommy and I left. I drove on into my friends campground--a huge thank you to my friends Bill and Janie for inviting me and Harley for the weekend. I got there just in time to play friday night bingo and thinking I was going to enjoy my weekend when my I got a text message from Michael's witch...what the hell? Her telling me that she didnt break up mine and Michael's marriage what the hell? I dont care anymore in my books she will always be a beotch and she will always be a homewrecker and her and Michael can have each other but they will never be the primary parents for my son. I am his mom. I am the one that is there for him no matter what, I am the one that makes sure he goes to bed on time every night and makes sure he is at daycare the next morning and then involved with him as much as I can. How the hell can dumbarse be a father and be in Matty's life when he is now an hour to an hour and a half away. When he was in Avon and I was here yeah he could be a part but not now. Anyways the text messages continued, I was trying to get to enjoy my weekend enjoy my bingo. Thank God for my friend Janie enough was enough for her, she called Mike on his cell and told him the messages had to stop. He of course lied through his teeth saying the messages werent coming from her phone although funny thing the caller id had her phone number on them. And even funnier thing the texts stopped when Janie called Michael. Anyways I was already shook up so I played the rest of the bingo night and went back to the campsite and went to bed.

Got up Saturday morning and my mom called me and invited me to a cookout at the house. Okay like I needed more crap in my life so I drove up there with Harley and went to the cookout. On the way up I called Jon and got him to bring Dustin up there and then to spend the night with my parents. The food and fellowship was awesome till the "have at it" session" and boy did we "have at it" so I called Jon and let him have it the whole earful my parents and my family gave me about Dustin being in Northern Indiana not being in Indy with me. I am praying for God to open an opportunity for Dustin to come back down here and go to school but in the meantime I know Dustin needs to be up there with his dad. But I also need my family's support in all of this, so I was like Jon what do we need to do. Well Jon had some ideas I love when he has ideas about all of this. We are going to buy webcams so we can be online and see each other and type on messenger and we are going to continue with the nightly devotions and Jon is promising to go back to letting Dustin see my parents twice a month realizing that we have to put the family back into all of this. He also got to stay the night with my parents Saturday night and go to the MDA Ride with his aunt and uncle the next day and his cousins and then go out to the farm with his dad and everything. The next morning when I left to go back to the campground there was no fighting, no animosity my mom and dad even hugged me goodbye which they havent done in awhile.

I headed back to the campground, back to my friends, found out that they had had an exciting night. One of the guys had gotten drunk and fell off his chair and into the fire! Ouch! He has 2nd and 3rd degree burns and they took him to the ER but Janie is an awesome nurse so he took awesome pre-care of him. We went to Sunday bingo (I didnt win anything) but for some reason apparently I must have been wearing an imaginary sign around my neck saying "unattached" because I was hit on 4 times this weekend! I MEAN What the heck 4 times!!! And these werent even guys I would have gone out with..I mean I admit I dont know who I would go out with anymore because frankly I am just not interested anymore. I have been hurt alot -- I dont even know what my type is anymore --anyways uggh. I am not a jerkmagnet!

Okay enough said on that. Sunday night was steaks and potatoes and I couldnt even eat my steak. Someday my appetite will come back I mean I am pregnant I should be eating like crazy and I am not---what the heck I think its all the stress I am under. Of course Mike had to call my phone Sunday night and ruin my evening it just had to happen--he was griping about medicine for Matty -- yes my son has a problem with his bowels and they have given him medicine to put in his juice but I am so ready to try something non-medicinal (I guess thats the new age mom in me) so hes like going off about the medicine to put in the juice being over the expiration date I of course am not making a very big deal about it, because I am going to agree with my mom on this one (yeah probably the only time her and I are going to agree) but I am ready to try raisin bran and fiber pills and not have to put meds down my son but apparently the "mommy-wife" who has had how many sick children die? is working to medicate my child--not going to happen--what is her deal anyway? She also was going off about allergy medication for my child--does she get it? MY Child, I am the one for the last 2 years has taken care of him while they have basically abandoned him and I, I know when we need to start taking the Zyrtec its not a daily thing with him, the only thing I do carry is his inhaler and we only have been using that a couple of times during the year. I am getting to be a big believer on not medicating children --- sorry "mommy-wife" to burst your bubble, unless a child needs it. Apparently she cant get that through her weed eater-blonde okay I will say its that color hair. Anyways hes like you need to call Riley and I am like nope I do not I know what my child needs. And you can just hear her go off in the background. Get over it beotch. This is MY healthy happy active little boy I was there through all the hospitalizations and follow ups and today hes almost 6 yrs old and a healthy happy active little boy that loves to ride his 2 wheeler and play and be ornery and just be Matty as I call it. We dont focus on the negative--she needs to get over it.

Okay well anyway Bill and Janie had some friends out Sunday night and had some fun and I actually enjoyed my evening although I was missing my boys (Dustin did call me about 730 to tell me about his day and the MDA Ride, he watched it with my parents and my family and then went out to Grandpa Zimmers for the rest of the day and of course had to call and tell me about all of it which I look forward to when he calls me and tells me about his day.)

I was planning on not coming home till Tuesday since I dont have to work till Wednesday and I could have some more "me time" since when the baby comes thats not going to happen much anymore, but of course Monday morning I was woken up by a phone call from the "doom and gloom" supercouple ....hahaha I like that one! Finding out when I could meet them to pick up Matty today. What part of take Matty to school on Tuesday do they not get? apparently all of it so I spent the morning with Janie and Bill and left to go pick up Matty. I was missing him big time anyway and he had been enough around them he needed his mommy, and I had had enough of the 2 of them. I was just glad getting him back. Of course he was wearing something I would not have picked out for him and daddy bought him new shoes (he has 3 pairs, enough with the shoes already!!!) and he was tired and cranky which means he didnt get his bedtime routine either, uggh but he was home back with me and amen when I left Kokomo he was back with me where he definitely belongs.

Today is my day off and I really needed to sleep in and well now I am up and blogging and Matty is off at school and let me tell you not in a good mood, tired from the weekend (go figure) so it will be an early night for him tonight I can just tell I have got to get up and get around and get some stuff done so Labor Day 2008 is over who knows where I will be in 2009 but thats the fun of it all --- each year, each holiday is a new adventure thats why I love life--yeah mine has sucked this year like big time but this blogging thing I can look back and see where I have come from and where I am going. ....of course, more later.

Way to go McCain!

2008-08-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

Okay I just came back from lunch and flip on the msnbc site and find out that McCain chose Sarah Palin as his VP Running Mate! Way to go McCain for putting a woman on your ticket especially after Hilary...the girls in the office call it brilliant and so do I. Yeah well this goes to show you anything a man can do a guy can do I have known of that for years this also reinstills my faith to vote for McCain in November! Power to the Women in Politics and aiding in running our country!

Tired of feeling used and abused

2008-08-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Okay this is my vent post for the week. I have just had it. Had it with life, had it with everything. I keep asking God where He is in all of this because after last night I dont see him in much of anything in all of this. My night started out with my ex husband basically blowing up my cell phone calling me from 4pm because well lets see the world revolves around him and his new wifey, yeah new wifey who ran out of guys to screw in Indy so lets move to Kokomo and then make my ex husband marry you or send him to jail for kicking your happy ass--wow what a basis of a marriage..anywhoo... (sure if you want a woman who has you by the balls 24/7 then by all means go for it) anyways he apparently has his family now which includes my 5 yr old son funny thing is that my son hates her guts and wont have anything to do with her and doesnt even want to be around dad since basically for the last 2 years dad has been too busy with his life to be with his son and blown him off but that all has to change now because well he has the little witch and he has to show her hes the perfect father (not) and well lets see now they live an hour away and he basically wanted me to cater to his happy rear (trying to be nice and not use profanity...) and drive Matty up there and he will meet me. Okay fine except for this weekend I had plans and my plans didnt include my kids for once because I am escaping to take some time for myself. So now I have to drive home from work and pack up the car and deal with a 5 yr old I wasnt planning on dealing with. And then Monday night figure out how I am going to get him back. It would have been nice for my evening to end there. But no it doesnt. My mother decided that last night that that knife needed to be twisted in my heart/back whatever just a little bit more, so she proceeds to call me and tell me that its all my fault that she doesnt get to see her grandbabies. I cant help Mike divorced me and she doesnt get to see her step grandchild because apparently Mike thinks you divorce children too when you divorce someone..I love all my kids regardless if they are mine or not I know I have a 10 yr old son who would still like to have a relationship with Mike since Mike was there for him since he was 3 years old but well apparently that isnt going to happen. And apparently thats all my fault as well. Didnt you know everything is my fault. Getting cheated on was my fault because I didnt have triple d boobs, and wasnt pretty enough, sorry I am not a slut or a hoochie mama, getting pregnant was my fault because I apparently was not a sex goddess...anyways bottom line everything is my fault I am finding out..and that I guess I am too nice in this world you have to be a bitch to make it in this world something I have never been much of before, but something I better learn about pretty damn quick otherwise I am going to lose everything but I guess the point is what do I have now? A pile of bills and an income withholding order for people to pay child support but unless they take it out of their checks that isnt going to get me much anywhere. Then I trust a person let him date me let him spend time with me and when things get tough (ie I got pregnant) well so much for that and I havent heard from him in almost 3 weeks. So thats why I am to the point where the hell with men. People keep telling me there is this perfect guy out there for me. I am 31 years old and have yet to find him not that I am looking at the moment because really who would want to date a pregnant woman, and if I have one more person tell me God has something awesome for me I am so gonna smack them. I thought I had met a great guy someone who wanted to be with me for me, someone who I could match wits with and be a smartass with and him with me plus he was a soldier which I love the whole loving a soldier thing so we date and then one thing leads to another and then I find out I am pregnant and boom! things change...I actually dont know what happened I think he was intimidated by someone to not go near me because the phone calls and texts stopped. I was really wanting to get to know this person. I know if I got a girl pregnant yeah allow me to run away sorry I guess I am just not built like that..so so far in this pregnancy (almost 18 weeks) I have been alone dealing with the pain and the morning sickness and everything. Still working 40 hrs a week, still dealing with the needs of 2 kids and still waiting for God to decide enough is enough before he hands me anymore because Lord I am so there, enough is enough. I would just like some peace and order in my life, right now my life consists of me working all day, coming home, hanging out with Matty and then being in bed by 9pm. Up at 510 am to start all over again. If I am lonely or sick to my stomach I deal with it. No energy anymore since the pregnancy so I am getting so behind on housework I do the bare mininum it takes to get by. There are so many nights I would just like to have someone to curl up with and watch TV with and talk to. I actually thought I had found my match but apparently I was wrong. Okay well now my feelings are out and now everyone knows why I am feeling like I am feeling I am gonna go and cry now. Hope all of you have a better weekend than me.

Pretty uneventful night

2008-08-28T04:46:00.000-07:00

I got to say yesterday was pretty uneventful. Shellie brought Garrett into the office yesterday afternoon. Good to see him doing so well since his surgery and lengthy hospital stay. He is a beautiful baby. Went to pick Matty up at daycare last night and he looked like he had been to a shooting. His top of his shirt from his top of his collar all the way down to about the middle was covered in ketchup--when I asked him what happened he told me that the "ketchup kasploded at lunch" I think its funny how he says the word exploded, now I am just trying to get the ketchup off the shirt..Got to play more with the baby last night too. For some reason I can lay on my bed while Matty is taking a bath and getting ready for bed and she is all over my stomach..an arm there a leg there maybe this is just a signal of the jealousy to come..hahaha but she/he seems to be more active like around 7pm than any other part of the day. Other than that not much else went on so for a Wednesday it was a pretty uneventful day.

Okay last night went much better....

2008-08-27T04:51:00.000-07:00

Okay last night went much better...with Dustin that is. He called me about 930 on the way home from somewhere with his dad and hes like hey mom how are you and all that jazz and to tell you the truth, I was actually half asleep. But then it was so cool hes like mom I am all ready for devotions. So I said a quick prayer..Lord give the child a peaceable heart and an open heart and to be honest I hadnt even looked at the devotional for the evening before hand and so I open it and its based on Luke 12...thanks Lord I guess I need a reminder too. Anyways Luke 12:12-the end of the chapter is all about not worrying and remembering that the Lord is caring for you. I love the illustration He uses about the raven, how he doesnt reap, doesnt sow yet God feeds them and gives them feathers. And then it was like the Lord placed the words in my mouth as to what to say to Dustin and what I was telling Dustin was good advice for me as well. Dustin I know we have been through alot but you know what its all going to one day very soon work out and when it does we arent going to have the chance to question God and say why, its just all going to fall into place and its going to be for His glory. As I was saying this and praying this into my heart there was like this peace I could feel on the other end of the phone line. I was like thank you God that you can make peace in the midst of the toughest trials of our lives. I am starting to worry about this baby and how I am going to afford it and am I going to be alone in the delivery room and where and who is going to take care of Matt and everything and last nights devotion was for me as much as it was for him. Traci, stop worrying, let tomorrow take care of tomorrow, focus on the day before you and live each day to the fullest for Him. I love when we have those "God moments." As for Dustin I think that was the best phone call we have had in awhile and you could just tell last night he was going to go to bed with a smile on his face and a peace in his heart that hadnt been there in a long time. I know I went back to sleep with that smile and that peace knowing I had used the word and a simple parable to speak volumes to my son.

I am in the process of finishing for the 2nd time Beth Moores book "Get Out of that Pit!" and I stumbled across a bible verse I didnt really notice the 1st time maybe its one of those "God moments" where I wasnt supposed to get that verse till I was ready for it...anyways...Isaiah 30:15 states "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." How many times does the Lord tell us to "Be Still and know that He is God and He is in control..." (Psalm 46:10) and we just keep on worrying and carrying on when we seem to forget God is bigger than us. That He knows whats in the cards for us and if we trust Him, He will lead us down the right path...yeah I know Words to Grow on and there are times I think if I would have just let Him have control of this situation or that one....maybe things would have turned out so much better...

Things didnt go as well as I planned...

2008-08-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

Okay well things didnt go as well as planned with the whole family devotional thing. The part I did with Matty went ok but then we went outside to play and realized someone had stolen his scooter..right off our back patio! I was furious! I think I actually let my anger get the better of me but we do have some super neighborhood kids who are helping me find it (they told me last night some big kid is riding it around the neighborhood) I just cannot believe someone would get up on the patio and steal a scooter. Okay enough with that vent, Matty and I worked on his bible verse Joshua 1:9 and we got prayers said and the next thing I know he fell asleep downstairs on his big Elmo doll. Well at least we got devotionals done. Devotionals with Dustin were so much harder, Dustin kept crying that he missed me and wants to come back to Indy. I just dont feel back here with me is the place for him and so he proceeded to bawl through most of the lesson although he did listen. I miss him but I know him being with his dad is the next right thing for him. His dad and I have built up like this tag team parenting from 4 hrs apart and there really isnt any animosity towards each other anymore. Of course I dont see that happening between Mike and I as long as hes with the hoochie mama there will be no respect because I cant see that woman near my son or any child for that matter uggh she just makes my skin crawl. The evil in her, oh well. Lord forgive me for talking about her like that shes just one of those people.

Anyways it was very hard for me to get through the lesson with Dustin because of his blubbering and then I could not understand him when he was trying to talk to me so tonight when I call him I will pray for open hearts and for us to have an awesome devotional before I get on the phone. Didnt get alot done yesterday physcho dog got mad that I was outside and she was inside in the house so she went on a chewing spree and chewed up several of Matts toys which landed her in her kennel for the night. There are nights that dog behaves beautifully and then other nights I just want to lock her up in her kennel for good and last night was one of those nights. Tuesday is picture day so I have to find something for Matty to wear for pictures. I am guessing by all accounts that he is really loving kindergarten and yesterday he even read some for me.

I am loving this obeying mom thing and in bed by 8pm thing because the little booger is so worn out, last night he didnt even get through all his dinner before he fell asleep poor worn out little guy but that also helps mom so I can get my stuff done so I can go to bed.

I am just glad the olympics are over. How people like my mother can watch hour after hour of that stuff is news to me. Now I am gearing up for football! Go Notre Dame, they have to have a better season then last season or they are going to be saying gooodbye to Charlie Weis. Last night though I admit there wasnt anything much on TV so I had Food Network on most of the night. Its a great channel when there isnt anything else on. I am just not into alot of those sitcoms and stuff. Not sure why when I used to watch TV all the time. Well gotta scoot, enjoy the blessings and the fruits in your day!

The rest of the weekend

2008-08-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I was still feeling pretty good although a little tired so I went to Vineyard to their End of Summer Celebration. Had an awesome church service even though I wasnt for some reason in a celebration mood. They had one song where all these people came on stage holding up cardboard written on with black marker telling about all the bad in their lives and then flipping it over with all the good the Lord has done in their lives. It really had me in tears. I know God has a plan but at the moment I feel like I am staring into a black hole, I so wanted to get up and leave but I just sat there and let the tears flow. I hate my heart being in a million pieces right now.

After Church out on the back lawn they had an awesome party--food, music, games, Matty really got the chance to enjoy himself, he loves a good party!!!! I have to admit I was ready after church to go home but Matty so wanted to go to the party so we went and I have to admit I ended up having fun despite my heart just really aching.

Sunday morning we went back to Chapel Rock. I have to admit I am really liking that church. Not very casual but the worship and the message is awesome! I went back to the Basin Sunday School Class, not sure what I was in store for and the regular teacher was back. The Lesson was on the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:17-34) They even had this modern day video relating to the bible verse except in this case they used paintings and not money. The one gentleman got the biggest jar of gold paint and he painted the most beautiful picture and did as the customer suggested, the one with the next amount did also as she was asked and painted a beautiful picture and used all of her gold paint as she was instructed. Then came the man with the smallest amount of gold paint and he sat there all night long and couldnt use the gold paint and ended up not painting anything on his canvas. The master was very angry with him and sent him away and had the other 2 paint a picture using that canvas.

It hit me so hard but I can relate my life lately to the man with the blank canvas. I know my divorce is final but for the last 3 months I have so locked myself away from everyone and everything including my kids. And why? I really couldnt give an answer. I know my marriage is over but why shut out my kids and my friends and family from my life. Why curse this pregnancy when it is in fact a miracle.

That really got me thinking. And I love it when the Lord gets me thinking because then he really cements his thoughts which sometimes can be so uncomfortable. Anyways went into the sanctuary for Worship Service and they were talking that when a child is born they have 962 weekends till they graduate 12th grade. I hate when God really drives a point home but I so needed that point drove home. My husband and I are divorced and I still have 2 boys that need their mom, so why am I shutting them out of my life? I honestly couldnt give an answer. My life isnt over although for the last 3 months I have been living as it has and it was then when it really hit me like a ton of bricks--what am I doing to help my children along in their faith? The answer was nothing, I work all day and come home and lock everyone out of my thoughts. Why am I missing this golden opportunity to be the light in my kids lives? The rest of the service went so much easier for me and as soon as the church service was over I went to the bookstore in the church and bought a childrens devotional book and called up Jon and told him what I was planning to do with Dustin to help him in his walk in his hunger for the Lord and he so agreed and then I called my bff Gena and told her and shes like God's light is finally shining through on you --God has given you this awesome opportunity to be there for your kids to pray with your kids and help them establish their faith you are finally living a part of the word --to train your children as God wants you to. I dont know whats going on with the situation with the baby's father but God has that all under control because I have given it to Him. So Monday night at 9pm I am going to start Day 1 of family devotions I will let you know how they are going, just please keep us in your prayers. I know I cant give my kids the complete family that they want but I alone with the Lord's help can be the beacon of light that they need.

Okay its Saturday!

2008-08-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Okay well I woke up raring to go! What the heck I have felt like crap for the last 2 weeks so okay I guess I deserve a good mornin. I got up and headed downstairs and scrubbed the kitchen and now just stripped the beds and remade them and got the washer going. I am thinking I am going to take a shower and while I am drying and etc then I will clean the bathroom. You know gotta take care of things while I am feeling good. I am then going to get the rest of the carpets vacuumed as well as the foyer downstairs mopped and then I will go to Meijer and pick up some stuff I love it when I am not feeling sick and can enjoy the day. Gotta get this place to looking my own oh yeah gotta add a pic of me 16 weeks into this pregnancy I wasnt this big with either of the boys of course I gained all the weight in my butt and this pregnancy is all out there because I can still wear my pants. Well I will have to add more later got to get to cleaning so I get that all done and then I can relax (like I know what that is...lol) Have a blessed day!

I am not the "typical" mom anymore

2008-08-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

I have been exploring blogspot and I just realized I am not the "typical" woman anymore. I dont have a husband or at the moment a man. I have my boys and a little darlin on the way in 2009 but there is still so much missing from my life. I am overworked and well at the moment underappreciated. I was watching one of my favorite movies "Bye Bye Love" and I realized I am now one of those women. I was so into being Mikes wife and the kids mom that now when the kids are with the dumb arses I am not going to know what to do with myself. I am going to have to get it together. I know I still have boxes in my place that I just cant get myself to get rid of, well that and now I am too tired to do alot with the baby coming but it does really need to get done. I need to fix my place up the way I want to do it I have that right to do that now. I would also like a new bed. My old bed is like 10 years old and the mattress is shot (probably from me and the kids watching TV and vegging on it) but hey thats what we like to do. I have got to start enjoying my life for what it is and not what I want it to be. I know easier said than done. One of my friends the other night told me that I need to sit down and write out a list of things I like so I decided what a better place to do it then on my blog. Maybe some guy will check this out and ask me out (hey a preggo girl can dream cant she?) anyways here goes

Favorite:

color: red, Colts Blue
food: egg salad (mine is the best though)
pop: for the moment Sierra Mist, after the baby though I will go back to Pepsi
sports: football and NASCAR, although Michael Phelps is kinda cute too ..lol
movie: anything not horror, but I love romantic comedies
music: anything not rap so from hard rock to praise and worship. Music is the spice of life
"Cant have too much spice in your life." ~~Rachael Ray
ice cream: mint chip and butter pecan
dessert: cheesecake
shoes: my nike flip flops
shorts: my sweat shorts-- I love just putting a t-shirt with them and curling up on my bed

Okay maybe this wasnt a good idea because at this point I really do have no life. Although I love my boys and they are my life. They never were before. I mean I was the kids mom but I couldnt devote alot of time to them with working and everything and now time is all I seem to have lol.

Still Blah

2008-08-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

Okay today is orange day at Matty's School so I decided to blog in Orange. Last night when we were getting ready for bed I was talking to Matty about all the colors he has used this week (each day has been a different color) Monday was red day and Tuesday was blue and Wednesday was yellow-- the primary colors and then Thursday was green--he told me that was his favorite day so far --me personally I love the color red but I am also partial to Colts Royal Blue..lol Today was orange. I am surprised that so far I have found a shirt for Matty in every color for everyday so either hes a colorful kid or hes got way too many clothes. (probably the latter..lol..just like his mom!) I am still sick except now its all in my chest and last night was awful because I couldnt breathe and the baby was kicking like crazy and my chest hurt so I was glad to finally just shut all the lights off and go to sleep. I am loving this Matty going to bed at 8pm thing because then I can go to bed, I hope this lasts.

Yay I got my computer back. Now I am busy doing all the Windows Updates to it and having a tough time even getting that done, but I have my online friends back. Thats cool. some of them even missed me.

Matty and I are going to have a Mommy/Matty night tonight. We are going to have pizza (hope my stomach handles it) and root beer floats and watch a movie. I havent done that with him in a few weeks and I know how much he enjoys it. If there is anything that this divorce has taught me is that I need to be closer to my kids. I love my kids with all my heart there isnt anything I wouldnt do for them, and I am never alone as long as I have the kids and the dog and the cat...lol...You know I would love to have someone in my life to share my life --my Superwoman life with but for now I am just enjoying hanging out with the kids. Someday I will learn to add pics to my blog and then you can see all the fun stuff we did this summer together, I know I have more pictures on my phone then I know what to do with. Well I am gonna scoot for now and get some work done (yeah right!)

Okay when I say I feel like crap....

2008-08-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it everyone thinks they can jump on me? I am sitting here at my desk at work with a 102 temperature and have gone through 1/2 a box of kleenexes with a nose that just wont quit running. I finally have taken some tylenol so hopefully the fever will go down and everyone thinks today is the day we can throw everything at Traci day...uh no it isnt. I know God you are going to knock me over with a rolling pin if I dont Be Still and let things go. I know I am never going to get some semblance of my life back so I had better start making things of my life with what I have although its hard when you have to start all over and certain other people (who shall remain nameless) get to have their cake and eat it too. Okay well this has just been a bad day for me I think I am going to go home and go to bed oh wait I have to pay bills with no money okay God I am trying ..Be still...

Something that really spoke to me

2008-08-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

Okay I was watching Joel Osteen on Daystar the other night and his wife Victoria always does this like "chat" thing before Joel's message. I don't usually watch it, it being 10pm and usually in bed but I had it on and Victoria came on and I admit I was going to shut it off but something just kept me there glued to it.

Victoria spoke of a woman who her situation is a lot like mine. Husband left her with kids and she was forced to sink or swim. To be there for her kids. Like me she was nursing a broken heart. Anyways she was at one of those run to the cross or run away from the cross moments and she was like God I cannot keep going on. God showed her that yes she could she just had to pretend all her problems were like balloons. Each balloon represented an issue and one by one she could give those problems up just like she let those balloons float to the sky. So that's what she did she took those balloons and wrote her issues and problems and tied them to the balloons and then went out to her backyard and one by one in prayer lifted those balloons to the sky and released them. And one by one it was like the weight was lifted off her shoulders. And every time she thought about the issues the Lord was there to remind her that He had those issues under control because she released those issues to Him. Matthew 11:28 states "Come to Me all of you who labor and who are heavy-laiden and overburdened and I will cause you to rest. (i will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. ) People usually stop right there but I find verse 29 to be just as powerful and part of the answer: verse 29 goes on to say "Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart and you will find rest for your souls. I know when things get to me. Like this week when I ended up in financial straits I panicked until the Lord stopped me and was like "Traci, who do you think I AM?" Dont you know I am bigger than the issues in your life? I have a plan for you. I love when God just stops me like that usually right in the middle of the beginning of a meltdown. Another verse that just so helps me and when things get rough I start meditating on it-- Psalm 46:10--oh I love how my bible puts this verse--"Let be and be still and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the Earth!" When all this started with the divorce and Mike leaving and everything and then me finding out I was pregnant I didn't stop and think that the Lord had a plan for me. I seriously didn't stop I went into the whole why me and what did I do? Well besides sleeping with another man (a no no by the way) I didn't do anything this is just how the cookie crumbles so to speak --- I did what Beth Moore in her book "Get Out of that Pit" tries to avoid...I held my nose so to speak and jumped right into that pit! I let my circumstances get the better of me. I didn't stop and Be still and Let God nope I let myself land in that pit. I shut God out even for a few weeks but God is God He is going to get His plan through to you no matter what. Even though I wasn't in the word God was showing me in so many ways that He needed me out of my pit. It was during that time that I grew closer than I have ever been to my boys. I loved it when I was married and Saturday afternoons we loaded up the boys and went somewhere and I missed that so much. But my marriage wasn't to be, God still has bigger plans for me. I need to put my issues in my life on those balloons so to speak and lift them to the sky and let go. I need to rest in the Lord that everything is going to be taken care of. God is using this time in my life for me to realize I don't have to have a man to make my life complete although I wouldn't mind a man. All I need is Him. Him and my boys He will fill in the rest of the details. I really love Joyce Meyer and she has a saying from her book "Beauty for Ashes"...."Its easy to give up, it takes faith to get through." I have that saying permanently imprinted in my heart and when things get tough and I want to give up I pull out that verse and I meditate on it and remind myself that God has awesome plans for me and that this too is a season and it will pass...

Havent been on in quite awhile so much new is going on in my life!

2008-08-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

Okay well I know I havent been on here in like forever. The divorce is final now, I still cannot believe that my marriage is over but on July 22nd I signed the final divorce papers. Of course dummy didn't keep up with the child support (did you think he was going to) and now the rumors are that he married the well you all know what I think of her.

I did meet someone in May (towards the end). Of Course another soldier. And then in June I got the surprise of my life..I am pregnant! Wow! At first I was devastated and then overjoyed. The father didn't take it too well (oh well his loss). As I write this today I am headed into week 16 and last night Matty got to feel the baby move for the first time. I know him and Dustin are going to make great big brothers and I am hoping for this baby to be a girl although I will be happy if its healthy with all I have been through.

I am still in church seeking mode. I loved Vineyard but at 30 miles away I need to find something closer. So last sunday I tried a church called Chapel Rock Christian Church right down the road from my place. Very nice church and I am looking forward to seeking out the Sunday Schools and stuff although I didn't see a Sunday school for divorced pregnant women...lol.. Mike leaving me and then me meeting and then me now on my own again wow its been a crazy summer! I can honestly say I have had one of those run to or run away from the cross situations and I am very glad I ran to the cross and not away from it. In all of this from the divorce to the pregnancy to the financial challenges I can actually say 2 things have happened to me this summer---I have grown way stronger in my faith and I have learned who my true friends are (you know who you are girls and I thank you so much for being there with me for allowing me to call and vent at 2am and everything I don't know what I would have done without you.)

I have also grown closer to my kids. Dustin is still living with his dad up north but we are so much closer. He calls me at least 4 nights a week and tells me all about school and he just got done with 4-H fair and did so awesomely again this year. His Guinea pig "Charlie" (I personally think he is a pain in the butt) but that little booger won Grand Champion so now he is treated like a king (I cant believe a guinea pig we picked up for 5.00 won the best in the show!!) He also won Reserve Grand Champion on the notebook for his guinea pig and champion on his notebook for the cat and chamion on his collections project (the boy loves trains!) I am going to have to get some pictures on here so you all can see his accomplishments. Oh yeah and he won Reserve Champion on his butterscotch pudding (so maybe he is taking in his mom's footsteps in 4-H) I still cant believe he is in 5th grade!

My little booger Matty is almost 6 now (September 18th) and just started kindergarten. It was so cute to see him toddle off to the bus in his black and white camoflauge backpack (long story why he doesn't have an army green one...lol) He also has an awesome new babysitter and so far has gotten in trouble at school twice (uggh but I was expecting actually more than twice by now....lol)

Okay and then theres me. Not much new here beside the pregnancy. I dont know if the father wants to be involved or not but after the initial shock overcame then I became really happy about it and actually my parents are pretty happy about "her" too. I like the name Alison for a girl and I don't know what about a boy's name. I have given the father's heart to you God I know he is going through some stuff in his life so maybe after he gets through all the stuff he will come around but if he doesn't I have my friends and family. I have got to start putting more pictures on this thing to keep you all updated and maybe like a video diary of my pregnancy since this will be my last one (I guarantee you all because this one has been a doozy and enough for me!) Sitting here I was thinking maybe Payton for a girl or a boy name since the baby is due in February right around the playoffs and Super Bowl --Go Colts!

Last night Matty was laying on my legs and saw the baby move. It freaked him out but he thought it was cool. I cant believe Labor Day is next week this summer has flown by. But hey, the boys and I had fun! We went and stayed at Jellystone for a couple of weekends and went to the fair and spent time tanning at the pool and this was the 1st time since 2001 that I wore a bikini--oh well its going to be awhile before I get to wear it again--darn on me excercising and eating right and everything because the doc said changing my lifestyle is what allowed me to get pregnant. Guess its back to the couch for me ...lol you all know I am just kidding.

Shaken!

2008-05-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

It is so amazing how weird life can be. One minute you have all these plans dreams and goals and the next, everything comes crashing down around you and you are like ..now what? That has so happened to me. Only my friends know what exactly is going on but lets just say dont ever depend on anything or anyone the only thing I can depend on is that the Lord loves me and I am going to be okay because I am in His arms and He is the only thing that is going to get me through. Tonight I was looking in the word when I stumbled across Psalm 107:28-30-"In their misery they cried out to the Lord, and He saved them from their troubles. He stilled the storm and calmed the waves. They were happy and it was quiet and God guided them to the port they wanted." Wow I dont know but right there the Lord tells me its all going to be ok. No matter what happens it will all work towards His glory. There is so much that I dont know like even where I am going to live but God knows and for the first time in a week tonight I am going to go to bed tonight and not cry myself to sleep but go to sleep in my comfy bed with a peace in my heart. Dear Heavenly Father you have all that is going on in my life. I dont know what your plan is but I do know that my issues, my trials are in your hands and that its gonna be ok. Thank you Father for the work you are doing in my life and for the work you are doing behind the scenes in this issue. Thank you Father for giving me the strength to work and then come home and be with the kids. Thank you Father, we thank you and Praise you. In your name I pray Forever and ever Amen and Amen